


Still I See You, Celestial

by ChameleonCircuit



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Asexual, Asexuality, Barisi - Freeform, Canon-Typical Violence, Court, Mentions of Attempted Suicide, References to Dubious Consent, Slow Burn, asexual sonny, canon typical descriptions of rape and assault, casefic, corrective rape, references to rape, trial, tw: corrective rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-02
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2019-02-09 13:53:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 51,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12889296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChameleonCircuit/pseuds/ChameleonCircuit
Summary: “Sonny, you deserve love more than most people I know.”“But who would want me?”





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> First off, I wanna say thanks to my beta booyahkendell. We've only just gotten started on this journey together but I trust her implicitly.
> 
> Secondly, I just wanna re-iterate the warnings in my tags. This prologue contains POTENTIAL dubious consent (I don't see it as such, but it may make you uncomfortable?), but it's only sort of a brief vague description of something in the past. However, the rest of the fic will deal with victims of rape and physical abuse, as well as drugs and alcohol, and I want you to be aware of that now, even though that won't begin until the next chapter. This fic will also deal heavily with misunderstandings of asexuality and even outright hatred towards people who identify as asexual. It will also deal heavily with internalised hatred.
> 
> I'm not speaking on behalf of the asexual community. A lot of Sonny's experiences, including a lot of his own thoughts, come from my own personal experience. However, as with all sexualities, my experience doesn't speak for everyone else's. We're all different. Remember that :)
> 
> This was done as part of NaNoWriMo this year for me, so the whole thing is already finished and won't be abandoned. I just need to find the time (and the patience) to read over it all and make sure it all actually makes sense. Still, I'm hoping updates will be fairly regular.

Sonny’s palms were sweating as he sat in Rafael’s office waiting for him. He’d thought about leaving -- firing off a text as an excuse and just high-tailing it out of there -- but Rafael had  _ asked _ him to come, and a part of him couldn’t say no.

 

So he was wiping his hands on his pants repeatedly, taking deep, measured breaths, trying to calm himself down. Because he’d felt the shift in their relationship, and that terrified him and thrilled him all at once.

 

His crush on Rafael had been instant from the moment they had met. He couldn’t contain his excitement to just be near the man, always talking far too much in an attempt to just be seen and appreciated. He’d secretly relished in every insult and barb thrown his way because he was being  _ noticed _ , and despite how sad it sounded, even to himself, he couldn’t quash how thrilled he was.

 

Sonny practically preened every time Rafael had even vaguely acknowledged that he might have done a good job. Because underneath all the backhanded compliments and exasperated conversations, Sonny could tell he was softening towards him. He could tell in the way Rafael’s eyes crinkled at the corners, or the way he actually considered what Sonny said instead of rolling his eyes mid-sentence. He could tell in the way Rafael willingly engaged in conversations, and the way he would rather loudly admit Sonny was right when the others were giving him a hard time for spouting “legal crap” -- Amanda’s words -- in the middle of a case.

 

Most of all, he could tell because Rafael let him shadow on the Hodda trial. Not only did he let him shadow, but he valued his input, and even acknowledged he’d been helpful.

 

That had been the real shift. That had been when Sonny started to notice the way Rafael smiled at him more, and the way his insults seemed far less snippy and more habitual. He noticed the way that Rafael seemed to enjoy what he now referred to as their “banter”, instead of seeming to barely tolerate a word Sonny said. He noticed the way Rafael would insult him with the eagerness of someone just  _ waiting _ to be insulted back.

 

The tenderness had been what had thrown him the most. Sonny had never, in all his time as a cop, felt as stupid as he had during the trial against the Catholic Church when he was blindsided by the Monsignor. The gentle way Rafael had reassured him that he wasn’t stupid, that he wasn’t to blame, and that he, too, had been blindsided by the same man, had floored him.

 

The shift only intensified his butterflies, though. He felt more nervous around Rafael now, not less. He thought if they could be friends then he’d get over his stupid crush and move on. Sonny’s crushes never lasted long, but this was going on two years now and it was setting him on edge.

 

Still, he revelled in the attention and their newfound friendship, despite how nervous it made him. And when he found out Rafael had been receiving death threats, his fear nearly swallowed him whole as dread crawled through his veins, through his throat, through his chest.

 

It was hard to breathe, knowing Rafael was in danger. He didn’t even take the time to consider  _ why _ he was so affected. He just set to work on trying to fix the problem.

 

They spent a lot of time together while the hunt for Heredio was on. Mostly because Sonny wanted to personally make sure Rafael was safe as often as he could, but also because Rafael seemed suddenly lonely. Lonely and scared, though he’d never say it out loud. And it made Sonny’s heart ache to see him looking so vulnerable when, to the rest of the world, he was as fierce as ever. He felt privileged to be considered close enough for Rafael to let his guard down, to let him in.

 

It had only been at Mike Dodds’ funeral, when Sonny saw the soft, tenderness in Rafael’s eyes, had felt his hand cover his own, had felt how close the other man seemed to stand next to him that afternoon, that it all began to feel wrong.

 

When he’d dropped Rafael home that night, Sonny had been downright terrified of the electricity that seemed to be thrumming between them. He walked Rafael up to his apartment out of obligation more than anything. His legs had felt like jelly, and he had been so sure Rafael was going to kiss him that he’d left as quick as he could.

 

Then he’d avoided him. For three days he hadn’t seen or talked to Rafael. Until now.

 

And now he was sitting in Rafael’s office, his tie feeling too tight around his neck as he tried to calm himself down to a point where he could appear neutral when Rafael arrived.

 

“Sorry, Buchanan was insistent on making my life hell for an entire hour in chambers. Apparently he thinks two witnesses, fingerprints, and DNA evidence aren’t enough for me to get a solid conviction. An hour of my life I’ll never get back. I’m sure he does it on purpose, just to annoy me.”

 

Sonny let Rafael ramble as he hung his coat, slipped his jacket off, loosened his tie, dumped his briefcase on his desk, and set to work rolling his sleeves up. Sonny just watched, eyes wide, as Rafael moved around him with an ease Sonny wished he felt.

 

Then, instead of sitting in his seat on the opposite side of the desk, he leant against the desk on Sonny’s side, their legs brushing slightly.

 

Sonny felt his mouth go dry.

 

“You okay?” Rafael asked softly, head tilted to the side so he could catch Sonny’s eyes.

 

“‘Course,” he said with an easy smile. Smiling always came easy for him, even when he didn’t really mean it.

 

Rafael studied him for a moment longer before nudging Sonny’s knee with his leg, a slightly concerned smile on his face. When Sonny said nothing, Rafael sighed.

 

“I wanted to take you out for dinner. By way of a thank you,” he said eventually, his voice a little higher than usual.

 

Sonny was sure he sounded nervous, which didn’t really make sense.

 

“You don’t hafta do that, Counsellor. I’m just doing my job.”

 

“No,” Rafael said, voice full of the same sincerity it had been at Dodds’ funeral days earlier, “It’s more than that. You’ve…”

 

He trailed off, casting his eyes downward as he folded his arms across his chest. He cleared his throat before looking up again, not quite meeting Sonny’s eyes.

 

“You’ve made me feel safe. And please don’t ever make me repeat that because the indignity of it may actually kill me.”

 

Sonny laughed, despite himself, which prompted Rafael to laugh too, the tension easing from his shoulders.

 

“I’ll pretend I never even heard it,” he agreed with a grin.

 

“So, dinner?”

 

Rafael looked hopeful. So, so hopeful. It made Sonny’s stomach do somersaults and his heart pound painfully in his chest. How could he say no? He didn’t even want to say no. Not really.

 

“Sure,” he finally agreed, standing up as Rafael began the process of unrolling his sleeves.

 

Sonny tried not to laugh as he watched Rafael put himself back together only moments after letting loose, but Rafael caught his eye, and they held a playful glint in them despite the glare he attempted to throw his way.

 

—

 

Dinner turned into dinner and drinks, and as Sonny rose to go to the restrooms, he belatedly realised he was a little drunk, his head spinning pleasantly from the sudden movement.

 

When he returned, Rafael had another drink waiting for him. He thought about turning it down -- they both had work the following morning, and at the rate they were going they would both have hangovers to nurse -- but he was having far too much fun to be sensible.

 

He clinked his glass against Rafael’s, glowing under his soft, sparkling smile. They were sitting next to each other now, instead of opposite, to combat the growing noise in the bar around them. He could feel the warmth of Rafael’s leg lightly touching his own, their hands sat only inches apart on the table, and Sonny was overcome with the urge to reach out and touch.

 

It was as if Rafael had read his mind as he wordlessly reached across the distance, brushing their pinkies together. Their eyes met, and Sonny felt his breath hitch in his throat at the shy smile on Rafael’s face as he looked at him through his lashes. Sonny never thought he’d ever describe the ADA as  _ shy _ , but that’s undeniably what he was in that moment.

 

Sonny grinned in return, linking their pinkies before turning Rafael’s hand over, tracing lazy patterns on his wrist and palm.

 

“Do you want to share a cab?” Rafael asked, and Sonny found himself nodding despite the way his stomach had started to flutter uncomfortably.

 

Rafael linked their hands as they left the bar, and Sonny felt the sudden urge to flee. When they stepped outside, he could feel the tension bubbling between them. He could feel Rafael inching closer and closer. He could feel Rafael’s breath warm on his cheek and suddenly he couldn’t breathe.

 

“You okay?” Rafael asked softly, stepping back a little.

 

Sonny could feel his palm growing sweaty against Rafael’s and snatched it away. The concerned look he was receiving made him feel nauseous.

 

“I think I had too much to drink,” he offered with a weak laugh. “I should…erm…go home.”

 

Rafael looked hurt for a moment, but nodded. The look on his face mad Sonny’s heart twist uncomfortably in his chest. He wanted to reach out, kiss the hurt look off his face.

 

“You take this one. I’ll grab another,” Rafael said quietly, gesturing to the cab that had pulled up in front of them.

 

Sonny hesitated, and when Rafael reached out to tentatively cup his cheek, he leaned into the touch, his heart pounding in his chest. He wanted to take it back, suggest they go together after all, but as soon as the thought entered his head he felt a flutter of panic and he pulled away, sliding into the back seat of the cab.

 

“What the fuck is wrong with me,” he groaned to himself.

 

Just as the cab pulled up outside his apartment his phone pinged.

 

**Barba**

_ Sorry if I was being presumptuous. I realise I could take the coward’s way out and blame the alcohol, but the truth is I’ve developed feelings for you that I had, perhaps wrongly, assumed you reciprocated. For that I apologise. I trust you’re mature enough to not let this affect our work relationship? _

 

Sonny felt fondness and disappointment both bloom in his chest together, side by side, an uncomfortable juxtaposition.  _ Of course Rafael composes texts like business emails _ .

 

The thing was, he did feel the same way. He knew he did. But the thought of pursuing anything terrified him. It had been so long since he’d had feelings for someone. He hadn’t dated since college.

 

He could still vividly remember the stench of Victoria’s perfume as she climbed on top of him and rode him until he came. He could still remember how he had wanted to be anywhere else but there in that moment. He could remember trying to think of a polite way to stop what they were doing, but he’d come up empty. Because until the moment it was happening, he’d thought that was what he wanted, and he felt like if he just kept trying, just kept going, he’d end up enjoying himself.

 

They’d been seeing each other for weeks and he had loved being with her. She was beautiful and funny, and smart and charming, and he had felt so lucky to be able to spend time with her. They’d kissed and cuddled and it had been nice. Sex was the next natural progression. And yet the smell of it, the slick of it, the way Victoria moaned and pressed his hands against her chest, her clit as she bobbed up and down had made him feel sick.

 

He’d had the fleeting thought then that something was wrong with him, but he was too embarrassed to ask anyone about it. He figured he mustn’t have been attracted to her, but he was still yet to want  _ anyone _ sexually.

 

He’d once tried to bring it up with Bella, but she’d just joked that he needed to get laid, so he didn’t bother mentioning it again.

 

Now, though, he felt so frustrated with himself. He  _ liked _ Rafael. More than liked, if he was being completely honest with himself. 

 

He had enjoyed the warm feel of his hand and the tender look in his eyes. He’d enjoyed how close they’d been, how effortless their conversations had become. He enjoyed everything about the man, and he’d committed every detail he could to memory. His favourite colour, his favourite foods, the way he liked his coffee from various coffee shops, the way his brow furrowed constantly when a migraine was approaching -- all of it, Sonny had committed to memory in case he ever needed to recall the information at any point.

 

Rafael made him feel warm and comfortable and  _ alive _ in ways no one else before him had. He wanted the privilege of seeing him before his first coffee in the morning, and just after a shower before bed. He wanted to be able to make him soup when he was sick and massage his back when he was tense. He wanted to know what it felt like to have the comfort of Rafael pressed up against him, holding him,  _ loving  _ him, when he was feeling down.

 

Basically, he wanted a relationship with Rafael. He just didn’t want sex with him. And yet sex and relationships went hand in hand. There was no way he could have one without the other. But the thought of sex with Rafael just wasn’t appealing.

 

Sure, Rafael was attractive. Rafael was arguably the most attractive person Sonny had ever laid eyes on. Sonny thought he was beautiful. But he didn’t want to sleep with him.

 

_ What the hell is wrong with me? _

 

He went to sleep with frustration, anger and hurt all hurling themselves around inside him, all directed at himself.

 

\--

 

Sonny’s hangover the next day was strong, but his self-hatred was stronger. He was so tempted to call in sick just so he could wallow in self-pity, but the guilt just at the thought of doing that forced him out of bed.

 

He’d been sitting at his desk for a whole hour staring down paperwork, trying to ignore the throbbing in his skull and the deep sadness that seemed to have lodged itself in his throat. He felt, more often than not, as though he were going to cry for no apparent reason. 

 

His thoughts kept circling back to Rafael and how good he’d smelled, how gentle his touch had been, how sweet his smiled had been. And every time he pictured Rafael’s shy smile it felt like a new punch to the gut.

 

“I need more than that,” Rafael’s voice drifted to him from the hall.

 

Sonny kept his head down, refusing to look up in case Rafael was looking at him. He could hear his hushed conversation with Liv, and the more he heard Rafael’s voice, the more antsy he felt. Abruptly, he pushed himself up from his desk, almost knocking his chair over, earning him an odd look from Amanda.

 

He had to walk past Rafael to get to the bathrooms, which was a mistake. Their eyes locked as soon as he came close, and Sonny could see a million questions in the single look Rafael gave him. He had to look away.

 

He splashed his face with water in the bathroom before staring at himself in the mirror.

 

_ Get a grip, Sonny. _ He told himself. Like a mantra. Over and over and over, hoping it would set in.

 

When he eventually left the bathroom, he walked straight into Rafael, having to grab onto him to stop him falling over.

 

He felt his face go red instantly and he let go, like he’d been burnt. The wounded look Rafael gave him made a fresh wave of guilt surge through him.

 

“Carisi, I…” Rafael paused and cleared his throat, and Sonny could see how forced his neutral expression was. “We need to be able to be in the same room as each other to do our jobs. I realise I crossed a line, but--“

 

“It’s not that,” Sonny said quickly, cutting him off.

 

Rafael gave him a disbelieving look, and rightly so. It was an outright lie. But it wasn’t that Sonny couldn’t be in the same room as Rafael because he’d made a move. It was because Sonny felt guilty just  _ thinking  _ about him, let alone seeing him.

 

“Rafael…” Sonny trailed off, not really sure what to say. He just offered a weak smile, patting Rafael on the shoulder as he walked past, inwardly cursing himself for being such a coward.

 

—

 

It had been five days. Five days of Sonny’s internal conflict. Five days of awkward interactions with Rafael. Five days of hating himself and hating Rafael, and then hating himself more for hating Rafael, who he knew had done absolutely nothing wrong.

 

Five days, and they were at work drinks to celebrate a job well done after a particularly tough case was closed. And Rafael was there, coat still on, muttering with the Lieu in the corner. 

 

He knew he shouldn’t, but he couldn’t stop watching the quirks of Rafael’s lips, the rise and fall of his chest as he listened, the way his eyes softened at the edges while Liv spoke. Everything about Rafael was beautiful to him, and it felt so cruel that he couldn’t just be normal, couldn’t just pursue him.

 

Rafael left all too soon, only sparing the rest of the squad a slight nod, and Sonny felt his heart drop, though he knew it was for the best.

 

Later that night when Sonny was fairly drunk, just sitting with Liv while Amanda and Fin played darts, Liv leaned over to him.

 

“You okay?” She asked gently, and he felt a lump form in his throat suddenly.

 

“Yeah,” he choked out, not bothering to turn to look at her. “Yeah, I’m good.”

 

“Barba seems to think otherwise.”

 

The comment seemed innocent enough, but Sonny knew better.

 

“Whatever it is, don’t let it interfere with your job,” she warned after a small silence. “If you need to take some time off, you let me know. But if you’re at work, you do your job.”

 

“It’s fine, Lieu,” he bit out, voice unnecessarily snappy. He shot her an apologetic half-smile that she didn’t return.

 

After a few rounds of darts with Fin and Amanda, he found himself sat with Liv again. The silence between them was agonising. He had to fill it. He had to say something. He had--

 

“Can I ask you something?” He asked before his brain had even been aware he was going to.

 

She nodded, leaning in to hear him better.

 

“Is it… Is there…” he paused, licking his lips, unsure how to phrase his question. As his mind caught up, he wasn’t even sure he wanted to ask.

 

Liv was looking at him, eyes soft, waiting patiently. He realised it as the same look she gave victims, and he had to avert his eyes.

 

“I um…I have this friend. She… she’s had sex, right? And she didn’t enjoy it at all.”

 

“Carisi…” Liv started carefully. “If your friend was raped--“

 

“No, no it’s not like that. She  _ wanted _ it. She just didn’t enjoy it. She  _ wanted _ to enjoy it. But she… she’s just not into sex? I wasn’t sure…I mean…everyone likes sex, right? But she’s never been interested in it.”

 

Liv contemplated him for a moment, taking a sip of her drink. She sighed gently, playing with the rim of her glass as she looked at him.

 

“Sonny, everyone’s different. Everyone’s sexuality is different. Everyone has their own way of relating to sex and everyone has different libidos.”

 

Sonny felt himself blush, which made Liv laugh at him.

 

“I know, it’s kind of like talking about sex with your mom.”

 

“More like talking about sex with my boss,” he said, surprised to find himself laughing too.

 

“Look,” Liv said once they were done laughing. “Your friend isn’t alone. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with her. You should assure her of that.”

 

Sonny had the distinct feeling that Liv knew this was about him, but he was grateful she was playing along anyway.

 

—

 

The following day there were two pamphlets on his desk about asexuality, and as soon as he got home, he got googling.

 

The more he read, the more it resonated with him. And the more it resonated, the more he felt his heart sink. A part of him had been hoping he might find the right person and then he’d know. Instead, he just felt broken. He felt ripped off, like he was missing out on something that the rest of the world got to enjoy. It felt entirely unfair.

 

He felt hollow.

 

When he’d discovered the word bisexual and figured it applied to him, he had felt so relieved to be a part of a community of people. Having that label had helped him come to terms with his attraction to men and what that meant in relation to his faith and his relationship with the church.

 

But this didn’t feel like belonging. To him, this felt like being outcast. This felt abnormal, like a part of him was missing. He would spend the rest of his life alone while his friends fell in and out of love, and he felt sick with sudden loneliness.

 

He thought of Rafael, and his heart ached for him. He entertained explaining to Rafael, but the thought filled him with dread. He could picture the disbelieving, pitying look on the other man’s face, and it made his stomach twist uncomfortably.

 

That was when he made the decision.

 

He wouldn’t pursue his friendship with Rafael any longer. Rafael deserved better than what he could offer, and he wouldn’t lead him on, no matter how badly he wanted to feel his hand on his cheek or smell his cologne up close. He would keep his distance, no matter how much it hurt. Because it was what was right.

 

Sonny went to bed feeling empty but determined.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter deals with vague descriptions of rape.
> 
> Thanks again to booyahkendell for being my beta :) My grammar is a mess.

“You at least have to come with me,” Amanda teased, smacking Sonny playfully on the shoulder as she got up from her perch on his desk.

 

He shoved her gently, wrinkling his nose at the thought.

 

“You lost the bet.”

 

“Yeah, but it’s _your fault_ I lost the bet.”

 

“Hardly,” he said with an eyeroll.

 

At her puppy dog eyes, he heaved a sigh before standing up.

 

“You owe me,” he grumbled as he slipped his coat on, following her to the elevator.

 

“I dunno why you’re so against it. That cute blonde who works there is totally into you.”

 

 _That’s the problem,_ he thought to himself, but said nothing, half-tuning her out as she continued to tease him about the “cute blonde”.

 

Once they slipped into the ever-busy cafe, Sonny caught the blonde’s eyes and looked down instantly, pretending he hadn’t seen her. He felt Amanda nudge him playfully and had to resist an eyeroll.

 

“Sonny, hey!” The blonde -- _Liana_ , his mind supplied -- called out to him above the heads of the other patrons.

 

“Hey, Liana,” he answered, forcing his usual charming smile on his face.

 

He wished she didn’t make him so uncomfortable, but every time he saw her he couldn’t _unsee_ her, drunk and clinging to him as she tried to plant sloppy kisses on his lips, which had resulted in sloppy kisses all over his chin, cheeks, and neck, instead. He knew she remembered it from the way she’d flushed with embarrassment the next time he’d come in. He’d been avoiding her ever since, but it seemed she still remembered his order.

 

“Usual?”

 

“Yeah, yeah. Same as always. Amanda’s paying today, though.”

 

At the mention of Amanda, Liana’s face fell a little, but she nodded and went to work on making their coffees’s after flashing him a smile.

 

“You gonna grab her number?” Amanda asked, bumping her shoulder against his after paying for their drinks.

 

Sonny just scoffed at her, barely sparing her a glance as he leant back against the wall, arms folded across his chest.

 

“Aw, c’mon. She’s pretty.” He knew Amanda was trying to trap him -- coax something out of him for her own amusement -- but he wasn’t interested in the conversation.

 

Liana was very pretty. He couldn’t deny that. She was radiant in every way, and her smile could match his in charm and brightness alike. But he didn’t know her, and he didn’t _want_ to know her. That was always the problem. It didn’t matter how good looking or how lovely someone was, he just wasn’t interested. He never had been. And it would be unfair to lead her on by indulging her.

 

Especially when he had feelings for someone else. Those feelings were confusing enough to deal with as it was.

 

Just as Amanda’s face began to crinkle in confusion -- _concern?_ \-- Liana was in front of them with a cardboard tray of coffees.

 

“Listen, Sonny--” she paused, sparing an awkward glance at Amanda before she returned to him, smile firmly in place. “Would you like to get a drink some time after work?”

 

He could tell she was nervous. The feeling was radiating off of her in waves, making his own stomach flip. He could feel Amanda’s eyes on him as his face grew red.

 

“Erm… I…” He had no idea what to say. “Liana, look, I’m a cop. I don’t have a lot of spare time.”

 

Her face fell and he felt instantly guilty having been the one to cause it. He briefly entertained the idea of agreeing to a date just to make her smile again, but he knew that would be worse in the long run.

 

“Well…if you find you have time, call me,” she half-mumbled as she handed the tray off to Sonny.

 

As they left the cafe, he noticed a piece of paper with her number sticking out from underneath his coffee cup. Before he could conceal it, Amanda’s quick fingers snatched it up, a smirk on her face.

 

“You gonna call her?”

 

“No.”

 

She pouted at him, and he had to fight the urge to roll his eyes. He loved Amanda -- really, he did -- but she had no idea when to just shut the hell up.

 

“Why not? C’mon Sonny, she’s beautiful, she’s young, and she’s interested in you! At least go on one date, see if it could go anywhere.”

 

He didn’t respond as he held the precinct door open for her, though he knew his silence would add fuel to the fire just as much as anything he could say.

 

“Y’know, if you’d told her you were seeing someone, I woulda thought Miss Raw Foods was still around,” Amanda started, and Sonny could feel a headache forming already. “But you didn’t. Is it ‘cause of Barba?”

 

“What?” Sonny asked a little too quickly, gaping at her with his mouth wide open.

 

“I’m a detective, too, remember. You can’t hide things from me. Especially not something that obvious.”

 

He could feel the heat rising in his neck, creeping its way up to his cheeks, and the feeling only fuelled his irritation at the situation. Whatever feelings he may or may not have for a certain ADA were absolutely none of her business and had nothing to do with him turning down Liana. Well, almost nothing.

 

“So, why don’t you take her out, hmm? It could be fun. Stop you from pining all the time.” She was back to full teasing mode.

 

“I’m just not interested, Amanda,” he said bluntly.

 

“Alright, alright,” she replied, eyes comically wide as she took her coffee from him and backed away, hands raised defensively.

 

He fought the urge to roll his eyes _again,_ and dropped Fin and Liv’s respective coffees on their desks for them before sitting back down at his own.

 

“You okay?” Fin called over to him, eyes narrowing suspiciously as they flitted between him and Amanda.

 

“Fine,” he said shortly, then regretted it instantly. He wasn’t in a bad mood with Fin. He wasn’t even really in a bad mood with Amanda. He just wished the whole morning hadn’t happened.

 

“Sonny’s in a mood,” Amanda stage-whispered, and Sonny pretended he didn’t hear her as he set to work on the pile of papers building up on his desk.

 

He dropped the piece of paper with Liana’s number in it straight in the bin.

 

—

 

Head down, staring at a text on his phone, Sonny nearly walked straight into a woman standing awkwardly at the entrance to the squad room. The officer manning the front desk for the afternoon seemed to have disappeared, and the squad room itself was chaos.

 

“Hey, sorry,” he said gently, taking a step back from her quivering form.

 

He could see the track marks down her cheeks from where her tears had washed away her makeup, and her eyes were bloodshot and tired-looking. He suddenly felt too big and too tall compared to how small she seemed to be trying to make herself, and he dropped his head a little, trying to catch her eyes.

 

When their eyes met, he smiled warmly at her, pleased when she managed a small, watery smile in return.

 

“You okay? Looking for someone?”

 

He knew instinctively that this girl was a victim, but he didn’t want to scare her off by being too forward. He just smiled patiently, letting her dictate how fast the conversation moved.

 

“Um…I’m here to…Um…I was…” she lowered her eyes, her bottom lip quivering, “raped.”

 

She whispered the last word, like it was something that shouldn’t be said out loud. It didn’t matter how many times he heard it, or in how many different ways, it always made his heart break.

 

“Okay,” he started, reaching out slowly, placing a hand on her shoulder when she didn’t flinch away from his presence. “I’m Detective Carisi. How about I get you seated in an interview room and I’ll grab my partner and we’ll take your statement?”

 

She said nothing, but she allowed him to lead her into one of the more private rooms.

 

“You need anything? Coffee, tea, water?” He asked as she took a seat on the edge of the lounge, clutching her handbag to her chest.

 

“Uh, water,” she said with a small nod and another attempt at a smile.

 

“I’ll be back in a moment.”

 

“Amanda!” He called as he crossed the squad room to the break area, motioning for her to follow.

 

“What’s up?”

 

“Got a rape victim in room 4. Sit in on the interview with me?”

 

“Sure,” she said with a nod, heading back out to grab her pen and paper.

 

Sonny followed suit, nudging the door back open with his shoulder as they entered the interview room. He handed the young girl the cup of water and sat across from her.

 

“I’m Sonny, and this is Amanda,” he said, gesturing towards Amanda as she sat next to him.

 

“Ariana,” she said quietly, glancing at Amanda before looking back at Sonny.

 

“Alright, Ariana. Can you tell us what happened?”

 

“I don’t know where to start,” she whispered after a prolonged, somewhat tense silence.

 

“You said you were raped?” Sonny prompted gently, inching forward on his seat. She nodded in response.

 

“When did it happen?”

 

“Last night.”

 

“Okay, and can you tell us where you were?” Amanda chimed in, jotting down the date on her notepad.

 

“Um, at a party. Some rich kid. I don’t know the address.”

 

“Okay, sure. How did you find out about the party?”

 

“Through Facebook. The address is probably on there.”

 

“Sure, we can have a look at that later,” Sonny said quietly as he made a note of it. “Can you walk me through the events that night? What time did you get there?”

 

“Around 9. It didn’t happen until later, though.”

 

“How much later?” Amanda prompted when it looked like Ariana wasn’t going to say any more.

 

“It was 11:37 when he started and 11:53 when he finished,” she whispered, eyes filling with tears.

 

Sonny felt a shiver run down his spine at that as a sick feeling formed in the pit of his stomach.

 

“You kept track?” Amanda asked, glancing at Sonny.

 

“I spent the whole time watching the alarm clock on the side table. It was the longest sixteen minutes of my life.” She was whispering now, and Sonny had to lean in to hear her properly.

 

“Do you know who he was?”

 

She began fiddling with the edges of her handbag, eyes downcast, tearing at the material as little flakes of the cheap faux leather came off in her hands. Sonny could see her own fingers reddening at the repeated action, and he had to resist the urge to reach out and still her hands.

 

“I’d been drinking,” she blurted out, looking up at Sonny, wet eyes wide with fear and what he was sure was guilt.

 

“Hey, that doesn’t matter, okay?” He said softly, offering her an encouraging smile. “It doesn’t matter how much you had to drink. Alright?”

 

She nodded, wiping at her eyes to stop the tears before they fell.

 

“Can I ask how much you had to drink?” Amanda asked, and Sonny was grateful she was there to ask, because he sure as hell didn’t want to.

 

“I lost count,” she admitted, deflating a little. “It was mostly punch and mixed drinks.”

 

Amanda nodded and glanced at Sonny, indicating to him to resume questioning.

 

“Did you see him at all before it happened?”

 

“We’d spoken,” she said with a slight nod. “I flirted. A little. He asked me to come to the bedroom with him and I told him I had a boyfriend.”

 

“What’s your boyfriend's name?” Amanda asked.

 

“I don’t have a boyfriend. I lied to get rid of him.”

 

“Sure, okay. So then what happened?”

 

“My friend…she meant well, but she…she…” Ariana broke off, casting her eyes downward again to resume picking at her bag.

 

“Ariana?” Sonny prompted softly. “What did she do?”

 

The silence between them felt long and heavy. Sonny timed it. He didn’t want to push too hard, but he didn’t want her to stop talking to him, either. The minute silence felt like much longer than it was as he and Amanda shared loaded looks.

 

“I’m asexual. He didn’t believe me. Said it wasn’t a thing. Said I was broken. Said he could fix me.” She was on a role now, her face red with anger, her voice shaking as it rose in both pitch and volume. “You probably think the same. Everyone does. It’s why I don’t say anything. I just lie. I say I have a boyfriend. It’s usually enough. But Emma… Emma had to open her big mouth.

 

“And he just laughed. He laughed at me, and he told me all I needed was a good fuck, and he tried to grab me. So I left. I went upstairs to go to the toilet and grab my things, and when I came out of the bathroom, he was just there. And suddenly we were in a room, and he was on top of me, and I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t do anything.

 

“He just kept saying, ‘I bet you’ve never felt nothing like me’, and, ‘See, a good fuck will fix you up’. Eventually I tuned him out and focused on the time. And when he was done, he kissed me, then thanked me, then left.”

 

Sonny felt sick. He actually felt physically sick. It wasn’t so much the act itself that made him feel sick -- it always got to him, but hearing accounts of rape was more of an expected pain by now. But this felt so much more personal, and he could feel the goosebumps rising on his skin.

 

Because he’d heard those exact same words, so many times over the past year and a half. Every time he told a potential one-night stand he was asexual, or that he didn’t like sex, they always felt it was their place to tell him he was wrong about himself. And so he’d just stopped saying it, just like Ariana.

 

He swallowed past the lump forming in his throat and glanced at Amanda’s notepad, pleased to see she’d jotted down Ariana’s recount.

 

“I’m so sorry that happened to you, Ariana,” he said softly, voice embarrassingly scratchy with emotion.

 

Amanda shot him a concerned glance, which he ignored.

 

“And you’re wrong. I don’t think the same at all. Your sexuality is real, and valid, and what he did to you was inexcusable.”

 

Sonny was staring fiercely at Ariana, willing her to see just how much he meant his words. He shocked himself by how much he meant them. Things he’d tried to tell himself so many times seemed suddenly so much easier to say and believe when they related to someone else. He felt relief subside his nausea when she smiled at him. It was small, but he could see her relief at being heard and being believed. And honestly, it was moments like that he remembered exactly why he did this job.

 

“And you never caught his name?” Amanda asked, because apparently Sonny had forgotten _how_ to do his job.

 

“No.”

 

“Alright, would you be up for speaking to a sketch artist to describe him?”

 

“Oh, it…it was a costume party, I don’t…All I know is he had green eyes.”

 

“Okay.” Amanda sat forward, ready to stand. “Have you showered?”

 

“Four times,” she admitted quietly. “I know I shouldn’t have, but I felt so dirty, and I didn’t even know if I was gonna be strong enough to come here. I’m sorry.”

 

“Hey, no, it’s okay. The important thing is, you did come here. We’re gonna need to do a rape kit anyway, so I’ll arrange for someone to take you down to the hospital for that, too, if you’re up for it?”

 

Ariana nodded, and Amanda smiled softly at her.

 

“Great. You’re doing great, Ariana. I’ll be back in a moment. Sonny?”

 

Amanda gave him a look that said _follow me_ , so he did, closing the door behind her.

 

“You okay?” She asked gently, giving him her victim voice. “You got a bit…Y’know…”

 

He sighed, running a hand over his face. He wasn’t ready for this conversation. He doubted he ever would be.

 

“Yeah, I’m fine. It just never gets easy, y’know?” It wasn’t a lie, at least.

 

“Yeah,” she clasped his shoulder in a gesture of comfort. “I gotta ask, though. What the hell does it mean if someone’s asexual?”

 

Sonny instantly felt tired. The weight of his exhaustion made him slump a little as he leaned against the wall behind him, arms coming across his chest.

 

“It’s…a lack of sexual attraction.” Amanda made a face, but before she could say anything, he continued. “About one percent of the population identify as asexual. Which sounds small, until you realise that’s like seventy million people worldwide.”

 

Amanda stared at him for a moment before shrugging.

 

“Sounds weird, but whatever. I’ll take her down to the hospital while you try and work on some kind of guest list.”

 

Sonny clenched his jaw and gave her a curt nod, biting back any retort that might have been on the tip of his tongue. As long as they took the case seriously, it didn’t matter what Amanda’s views on asexuality were. At least, that’s what he tried to tell himself as he ignored the disappointment settling deep within his chest.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my beta, booyahkendell.
> 
> And thanks to all of you who have been so lovely and sent me such kind messages on tumblr. It means the world to me that you're enjoying this and I only hope I don't let you down!

Sonny tried to suppress the butterflies in his stomach as he approached the ADA’s office. He did this countless times a week, and yet every time, he got butterflies. Every time he was in the other man’s presence, he seemed to fill with a sense of nervous energy that he seldom felt with anyone else. It was why he just couldn’t seem to shut up around the man in the beginning, even though he knew his opinions were unwanted.

 

“Dressed casual today, Detective Carisi,” Carmen teased, a sly smirk on her face as he entered the foyer to Rafael’s office.

 

Even though his smile was quick and natural, it took his brain a moment to catch up. And suddenly he felt severely underdressed, having not given his attire a single thought. It was his day off, and he was just dropping off some papers Rafael had texted him about the previous night, before he made his way to lunch with his parents.

 

“Er, yeah, off duty,” he said with a shrug, scratching the back of his neck for lack of something better to do with his hands.

 

“It suits you.” He could have sworn he caught her wink at him, but when he looked properly, she was just smiling at him. “You can go in. He’s free at the moment.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

He knocked lightly on Rafael’s door, waiting a brief moment before letting himself in. Once met with Rafael, even with his jacket and vest removed, tie loosened, and sleeves rolled up, Sonny couldn’t help but feel under-dressed in his faded jeans and navy sweater. He felt practically naked when Rafael’s gaze raked up and down his body before settling on his eyes with a slight smirk and a glint in his own eye.

 

“Date?” He questioned with a gesture as he reached out a hand for the papers (or, more probable, the coffee Carisi had brought with him).

 

Sonny placed the coffee on his desk and handed him the papers. Rafael took them, but his eyes didn’t leave Sonny’s.

 

“Erm, lunch with my parents, actually.” He flashed Rafael a grin, unsure whether the question had been an invitation to sit and have a conversation, or whether he was just being polite.

 

Rafael motioned for Sonny to sit down as he traded the papers for the coffee, taking a long sip, eyes still on Sonny as he sat down.

 

“Only if you have time,” Rafael offered as an afterthought.

 

Sonny glanced at his watch even though he already knew he had plenty of time. He’d come early for the sole purpose of having time to spare if Rafael wanted his company.

 

“Yeah, it should only take me about 40 minutes to get there, give or take depending on the traffic, so I got time. What’s up?”

 

Rafael glanced down at the papers for a moment, eyes scanning them quickly before he looked up again and leant forward, fingers tapping at the edges of his coffee cup.

 

“I hear you picked up a new case?”

 

“Oh,” Sonny couldn’t help the disappointment at the conversation being about work, but he smiled nonetheless. “Yeah, poor girl. Some asshole thought raping her would stop her being asexual.”

 

Rafael scoffed before taking another sip, and Sonny suddenly felt the need to defend her.

 

“I mean, this is why asexuality should be taught in schools -- should be talked about in general. It won’t stop things like this happening, but it’ll make people more aware. ‘Cause she’s not alone, y’know. It’s a real thing.”

 

He hated how defensive he sounded, the way his voice rose slightly, but under Rafael’s unwavering stare, he couldn’t help it. He could practically feel the disbelief radiating off of the other man. Just as he opened his mouth to continue, Rafael cut him off.

 

“I know, Carisi,” he said softly. Sonny could only think of a handful of times that tone had been directed at him, and it had been so long since the last time. So long since he’d been deserving.

 

“Right, sorry,” he muttered sheepishly, rubbing his hands on his jeans.

 

“It’s good that you’ve taken an interest,” Rafael continued, dismissing Sonny’s apology by not even acknowledging it. “I remember when you didn’t even know how to handle a transgender teen, and here you are, up-to-date on your asexuality facts.”

 

“I didn’t…” Sonny sighed, feeling himself blush a little. Rafael’s tone was gentle, though, and he was smiling, not smirking or teasing; just smiling. “I handled that badly. My mouth has the tendency to race ahead, y’know? Sometimes things don’t always come out the way I intend them to. Would help if people didn’t gossip,” he grumbled the last part with a slight eye-roll. 

 

Rafael laughed, leaning back in his chair to rest his feet on his desk.

 

“And look how far you’ve come.” 

 

And there was that teasing tone Sonny was used to. Stupidly, it made him feel far more comfortable than any sense of kindness or earnestness from Rafael ever did. He supposed it was easier to keep his own feelings at bay that way.

 

“I’m not an idiot, y’know. I am capable of learning,” he said with a laugh.

 

“I know you’re not an idiot,” he said quietly before adding, “You had us all fooled for a while, though.”

 

Sonny rolled his eyes and laughed, pleased to hear Rafael huff a laugh himself. He was so grateful for the change in their relationship. It felt like it had taken forever to even get Rafael to respect him, let alone value him in any way. But eventually Rafael had softened towards him, and that’s when it got harder. Suddenly he had been filled with the fear that his crush could be reciprocated. There had been numerous times when he’d caught Rafael looking at him, eyes soft and mouth quirked in a contented smile. There’d been times where he’d lean in too close, or a hand would linger too long, and Sonny’s heart would pound faster in his chest. And he couldn’t help but revel in it, no matter how much it terrified him. Because he was, after all, human.

 

But then he’d made the stupid decision to put distance between them. He let himself fight back when Rafael teased him, and he found that a vindictive, petty side of him he hadn’t even known existed enjoyed the way he seemed to be able to put Rafael in his place. He didn’t want to make the other man miserable, but it was so comforting to know that he could have some control over their relationship. That he wouldn’t just do anything the other man asked of him, spending their every moment together attempting to impress him and preening at every backhanded compliment.

 

It wasn’t until he decided to see a therapist after the events with Tom Cole that he realised how toxic he’d allowed his behaviour to become, and he’d worked on mending their relationship instantly.

 

It had started small. Dropping off cups of coffee and baked treats the same way he would for the squad. Then it grew to offering meals and drinks when they were working closely together. Eventually, things felt like they had slipped back into place.

 

He’d thought about apologising countless times for the way he’d behaved with Rafael for that time, but he’d decided against it every time the words were on the tip of his tongue. As much as he wanted to, as much as he wanted that acknowledgement, he wasn’t sure it would be appreciated. By now he’d figured out Rafael didn’t do emotions -- not really. He could be kind and considerate and caring when someone needed him to be, but he wasn’t great at comfort, and he wasn’t great at talking about his own feelings, as Sonny had realised after finding out about Ashtonja Abreu.

 

But more than that, he was scared. He was still so scared that if Rafael knew he was asexual, he would be met with disbelief and pity.

 

“These are very thorough,” Rafael commented, snapping him out of his thoughts. “Please tell me you didn’t spend all night on these?”

 

“Nah, they were mostly done in the office,” he lied easily. “I just tidied them up.”

 

Technically, he wasn’t lying. All the details were there already. Sonny had just spent hours the previous night re-writing them in a way that were actually legible to anyone other than himself.

 

Barba frowned at him for a moment before dropping the papers back down on his desk.

 

“Go enjoy your day off, Detective.”

 

Sonny mock-saluted as he jumped up from his chair, glancing at his watch. He still had time, but he didn’t want to overstay his welcome.

 

“See ya ‘round, Counsellor.”

 

He made sure to flash Carmen an extra big smile on his way out, bouncing a little from the casual interaction with Rafael, despite how short-lived it may have been.

 

\--

 

Just as he raised his hand to knock on his parents front door, the door swung open and his mother had her arms around him in an instant, squeezing the life out of him as always.

 

“Ma…” He protested half-heartedly as she planted a kiss on his cheek before patting it with her hand.

 

“I keep telling you, you don’t need to knock. This will always be your home.”

 

“I know, ma. But it just doesn’t feel right.”

 

She batted his arm, but continued to smile fondly as she lead him inside. His sisters were already there, along with Tommy, and Gina’s new boyfriend, Scott. There was another man there whom he’d never met, and who introduced himself as ‘Elliot’ with no other explanation for his appearance. He shook the man’s hands politely before being dragged into the corner of the living room where his sisters were sat gossiping. It didn’t matter how old he was, he always ended up with his sisters instead of anyone else. He preferred it that way, though, despite how much be pretended to complain.

 

“Elliot your boyfriend, ‘Resa?” He asked as they sat down.

 

Teresa and Gina shrieked with laughter at that, and he looked to Bella in confusion. She had a small, apologetic smile on her face, and he felt an uncomfortable flutter of nerves in his stomach.

 

“He’s, um…Sonny, don’t be mad, I know you hate it when we try and set you up on dates…” Bella started, and Sonny groaned, covering his face with his hands. “It was Mom’s idea. I tried to tell her you wouldn’t want it, but, well…you know how she is.”

 

He did. He knew very well how his mother was. Right up until he was twenty-seven, his mother had been trying to set him up with almost every young woman she seemed to come across. That was until he practically screamed at her that he was gay (a lie, a half-truth, if he was being generous) in an attempt to shock her into stopping her disastrous mission to find him a wife. It had stopped for a while, and honestly, he’d been a little hurt despite bringing it on himself.

 

However, there she was with not only a fresh attempt at setting him up, but also with what she probably thought was an apology. And really, it served him right for thinking she’d ever settle for him being single.

 

“Are you mad?” Bella was biting her lip -- likely biting back the laughter that was bubbling beneath the surface while their sisters continued howling as though this was the funniest thing they’d ever seen.

 

“Nah,” he said with a sigh. “I feel sorry for the guy more than anything.”

 

“Why don’t you give him a go? He seems nice?”

 

He made a face, but said nothing in response. He’d never tried to explain to his family that he was asexual. It had been hard enough letting his sisters know he was bi, and he’d never have told his mother he was gay --  _ really, why did he lie? _ \-- if he hadn’t been so frustrated. But some form of sexuality, at least, they could understand. He couldn’t quite bear the thought of them rejecting his lack of sexual attraction as being “abnormal”, and he was almost sure it would double his mother’s attempts to set him up.

 

“Elliot! Did you meet Dominick yet?” His mother asked as she fluttered back into the room, tea towel slung over her shoulder.

 

He could hear her fussing and he took a deep breath before standing up to make his way over. He could feel a headache building behind his temples for the second day in a row. Still, he smiled warmly at Elliot as he made his way over. It wasn’t his fault, after all, that his mother was insistent on introducing him to every single person on Staten Island (and probably in New York City in its entirety).

 

“Yeah, we met briefly before,” Elliot supplied as they shook hands again.

 

“Well, I’ve made sure you will be sitting next to each other for lunch, so you can get to know each other well.”

 

Sonny felt his face grow hot despite himself, and noticed Elliot looked a little red, too. He quickly dropped the other man’s hand and shoved his own hands in his pockets.

 

—

 

Lunch went by smoothly. Elliot was good for conversation, and the only awkwardness was the lingering feeling in the back of Sonny’s mind.

 

While everyone else was tidying up -- his mother had insisted he take Elliot back to the lounge to get to know him better -- Sonny was racking his brain for some kind of explanation.

 

“I’m sorry,” he started at the exact same time as Elliot. They both laughed, feeling the rising tension dissipate.

 

“Look, my mom means well. She doesn’t realise she’s just making people uncomfortable.”

 

“I’m not uncomfortable. I’m sorry if you are.”

 

Sonny smiled gently, gesturing for Elliot to sit across from him, not beside him.

 

“I s’pose I am uncomfortable. But that’s not on you,” Sonny said gently.

 

“It’s fine. Really. I honestly only came because my own mother would kill me for saying no. Something about being impolite.”

 

Sonny found himself laughing again, knowing all too well what Elliot was talking about.

 

“Yeah, tell me about it. Like, I’m sure you’ve got better things to be doing than spending lunch with some old people you vaguely know from church and their family.”

 

Elliot hummed his agreement before quickly backtracking with a stammered apology.

 

“Nah, it’s fine. I love being with my own family, but if I’d had to sacrifice my day off to spend it with someone else’s family, I’d be more than a little pissed.”

 

“You’re good company, though,” Elliot offered with a shy smile.

 

“So are you.”

 

Elliot seemed to light up at that, and Sonny sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. He wondered if that’s how he looked every time Rafael even vaguely complimented him.

 

“And you’re a cop, wow,” Elliot continued, growing more animated as he leaned forward in his chair. “And a lawyer. Double whammy. Your parents must be so proud.”

 

“Dad is, for sure,” Sonny said with a laugh. “Ma couldn’t care less. I mean she’s happy I’ve done well, sure, but she just wants to see me with a family.”

 

“How’d she handle you being gay?” Sonny couldn’t mask the momentary shock on his face, and Elliot was quick to apologise. “Sorry, it’s none of my business, really. I don’t know why I asked. I just--“

 

“I’m not gay.” Elliot gave him a strange look. “I lied. Kinda. I’m…” he paused, unsure whether to be honest or to just go with his usual schtick. “I’m bi.”

 

His stomach twisted uncomfortably at the lie, even though it wasn’t technically a lie. He hated that he could never seem to get the words to actually form on his lips when he wanted them to. He ought to wear his sexuality with pride and give a voice to others like him who may feel alone. Instead, he hid behind something he found easier.

 

“I thought if I told her I was gay she’d stop trying to set me up. She’ll always love me, but I couldn’t imagine her ever trying to set me up with a man. But here we are. She’s really trying. I ought to feel bad for lying, but I didn’t know what else to do.”

 

Elliot breathed out a laugh, and Sonny felt a flicker of guilt again. He was hiding behind multiple labels that belonged to other people without any thought for how others may feel about it.

 

“Sorry. Sorry, that’s probably a really shitty thing for me to do. Just use a label that’s not my own.”

 

“Nah. I mean, yeah, kinda, but we’re all queer, right? I mean people forget it’s LGBTQIA+. Most people can get to the LG, a few to the BT, fewer still to the Q, and then the IA get’s lost completely. There’s so many varying and overlapping sexualities. I think you use whatever label you’re comfortable with. It’s no one else’s business.”

 

Sonny felt a warmth spread through him.

 

“I’m asexual,” he whispered, the words unprepared.

 

Elliot looked momentarily stunned before nodding, smiling at him like he’d already known. Which, of course he hadn’t, but it made Sonny relax completely.

 

He left his parent’s place with Elliot’s number and a promise to keep in touch, feeling lighter than he had in a long time.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, sorry for the super long delay! Thank you all for your patience. And thanks to Kendell, as usual, for being my beta.
> 
> Warning: This chapter deals with another victim, plus some pretty gross attitudes.
> 
> This is where I start to doubt myself on the story. It's hard portraying characters you love with less than ideal thoughts/opinions/qualities...

Sonny was racing towards the elevator in the precinct when his phone pinged.

 

**Amanda**

_ How far away are you? _

 

Sonny breathed in deeply, leaning against the wall of the elevator. He hated running late. It always made him feel like he was about to be in trouble, despite the fact that no one actually cared if he was five minutes late, so long as he did his job right.

 

**Sonny**

_ Literally just hopped in the elevator. _

 

When Sonny entered the squad room, Amanda was waiting for him, leaning against his desk. Her expression was pinched.

 

“Hey, you okay?” He asked as he slung his coat across the back of his chair.

 

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’ve got a victim sitting in an interview room. I need you to sit in.”

 

Sonny raised an eyebrow at her, glancing around the nearly empty squad room.

 

“Liv and Fin are out. Something to do with the Chief, I’m not really sure.”

 

“Yeah, okay, sure,” Sonny said softly.

 

He knew it was protocol for two of them to speak to anyone at the same time, be it a suspect, a victim, or a witness. It was to protect them and their jobs, should anything go wrong. But Amanda was more than capable of speaking to a victim alone, and the fact that she’d felt it necessary to wait for him made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.

 

“What’s she said so far?” Amanda paused, hand resting on the door as she turned to look at him. Her expression was unreadable. “Hey, you’re worrying me. What’s up?”

 

“Nothing. Sorry, no, you’ve got nothing to worry about. She told me she’s asexual. That he said he could ‘fix her’. Sound familiar?” Sonny felt a shiver run down his spine and he nodded. “I wanted you here because…Well, I was scared I’d say the wrong thing.”

 

Sonny smiled softly at her, and she smiled back. Honestly, he was grateful she’d waited for him, even if the thought of the conversation ahead made his chest feel tight.

 

“Hey, Lilly? This is my partner, Sonny. Is it alright if he joins us?” Lilly nodded, and Sonny smiled warmly at her. “He’s gonna take over most of the questioning. But I’ll be here the whole time, okay?”

 

Lilly nodded again, but she looked at Sonny suspiciously. He couldn’t blame her -- not really -- but the look she gave him coupled with her wet, red eyes made him feel instantly out of his depth.

 

“Hey, Lilly,” he said softly, sitting across from her. “Can you tell me what happened?”

 

“I already told her.” Lilly’s voice was defiant, and didn’t waver in the slightest, and Sonny was struck by how strong she seemed.

 

“I know,” he replied, nodding. “But I’d like you to tell me, if that’s alright? If you’re not up to it--”

 

“I was raped,” she cut him off, still staring at him like he’d wronged her somehow. “I was raped two nights ago by some asshole who thought he could fix me.”

 

“Fix you?” He prompted, though he knew what she meant.

 

She looked to Amanda for reassurance, and she smiled and nodded.

 

“I’m asexual. He thought he could show me I wasn’t. You probably think the same. All men think the fucking same. They all think they can fix me, but they can’t. I’m asexual, and I’m fucking proud of who I am, and no one else has the right to try and tell me I’m broken because of it.”

 

Sonny swallowed around the lump forming in his throat and took a deep, steadying breath as he leant forward a little. He made an effort to relax his face, to snap out of interview mode and let his emotions control his face the way they normally did. He watched her expression soften just slightly as she watched him struggle to find the right words.

 

“Lilly, what he did…I could never agree with that,” he said, his voice a little hoarse. “And y’know what? It doesn’t matter what I think, or what Amanda thinks, or what anyone else thinks. If you didn’t want to have sex with him, then he raped you. Your sexuality doesn’t even come into it.”

 

Lilly opened her mouth to speak, but Sonny cut her off before she could, training be damned.

 

“And I believe you, Lilly. And I don’t think you’re broken, and I don’t think you need fixing. You’re perfect just the way you are.” His voice broke slightly, and he could feel Amanda’s eyes on him, burning into the back of his skull. “All that pride and that strength is what’s gonna help you through this. Hold onto it. But please don’t direct your anger at us, okay?”

 

Lilly nodded, her expression completely softened, fresh tears filling her eyes, though not falling, as though she wouldn’t allow them to.

 

“Talk me through the whole night. From start to finish.”

 

“I didn’t even see him for most of the night. It was at the LGBTQIA+ party at Club Cumming. I got there just after eight and I didn’t meet him until much later. It was around three A.M. when he was done with me.”

 

She fell silent, and Sonny waited patiently, sharing a glance with Amanda to make sure she stayed quiet too.

 

“He followed me into the bathroom. He pushed me into a stall. He asked if I wanted to fuck. I told him no. I told him I was asexual. He laughed at me, said ‘I thought as much, from your badge’ -- I was wearing an ace flag badge -- and he fucked me anyway. I tried to fight him but he held my mouth so hard I couldn’t breathe. He was so strong. He just kept saying he would fix me. That I’d see I was wrong. I don’t know how long it lasted. It felt like forever, but it can’t have been all that long, because no one else came into the bathroom in that time, and the club was really busy.”

 

Sonny nodded, the bitter taste of bile hitting the back of his throat.

 

“Did you get a good look at him?” Amanda asked gently.

 

Lilly shook her head. 

 

“Brown hair, green eyes. Small nose,” her voice cracked, and she took a deep breath before adding in a whisper, “but he had one of those masquerade masks on, and he had glitter and paint all over him -- I couldn’t even tell you his skin colour.”

 

He felt dread set heavily in his stomach as Amanda continued talking to Lilly, explaining about the rape kit and what would happen next. She sounded far away, though. All he could think about was the fact that they had two victims and still no solid description on his appearance or any other way of identifying him. Both their victims had washed away any DNA evidence that might have been left. 

 

He felt entirely disconnected as he stood up and left the room, barely aware of her concerned eyes following him out the door.

 

A one-off was tough to hear, but could be put down to the ignorance of a drunk, entitled asshole taking what he wanted. Two victims in the space of a week from what sounded like the same perp was too much. He knew it could arguably be a coincidence, but he didn’t believe it for a second. This guy was targeting asexuals, and the thought made him feel ill.

 

He took a deep breath as he leant against the wall, startling when Rafael came up beside him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

 

“You okay?” Rafael asked gently, retracting his hand in apology.

 

“Yeah, of course,” he dismissed with a scoff.

 

“You sure? You seemed…off…”

 

Sonny wondered how much of the interview Rafael had seen. The fact that he had no way of knowing frustrated him, but he didn’t want to ask. Instead, he smiled gently.

 

“Yeah. Just an uncomfortable pattern, that’s all.”

 

Rafael nodded, humming his agreeance as he glanced back in at Lilly and Amanda talking.

 

“We need to find him. Two is hard to argue as a pattern, but I’d rather it be considered a coincidence than have a third victim,” Rafael said quietly, his voice almost unbearably gentle.

 

Sonny just nodded, grateful when Rafael simply patted his shoulder before walking across the room to meet Liv and Fin, who were just returning.

 

Once he and Amanda returned from the hospital after ensuring Lilly had a rape kit done, Liv, Fin and Barba were waiting in the bullpen for them.

 

“Update us,” Liv said, pushing her glasses up her forehead as she put Amanda’s notepad down.

 

“Another vic,” Amanda started, “same perp by the sounds of it, though he’s got away lucky again -- she can’t properly describe him. I’m still gonna get a sketch artist to talk to her, but it’s unlikely anything will come of it.

 

“I’ll make sure you’ve got a warrant for the guest list at Club Cumming,” Rafael added, popping a pretzel in his mouth.

 

“So, both vics are asexual. That can’t be a coincidence,” Liv said.

 

Fin scoffed, leaning forward to rest his hands on the back of his chair. “You buying that crap?”

 

Sonny felt a flare of anger surge through him, but his urge to say something died with fear on his tongue.

 

“Really, Liv?” Amanda started. “I mean, rape is rape, don’t get me wrong. But asexual? Is that even a real thing?”

 

“Yes, it’s a real thing,” Rafael snapped before anyone else could say something, sending a wave of pure gratitude through Sonny.

 

Fin scoffed again, and he, Liv, and Rafael all shot him a look, causing Fin to hold up his hands defensively.

 

“Alright, alright. Look, I’m not saying they deserved it.”

 

“That doesn’t matter,” Liv said sharply. “What matters is we have two women raped by the same man who seems to be targeting people who identify as asexual. Whether or not you  _ believe _ in asexuality is irrelevant.”

 

Both Amanda and Fin looked more than a little sheepish, and Sonny wished it would make him feel better, but he couldn’t seem to fight down the anger and shame that were both bubbling up inside of him.

 

“So we’ve gotta track this guy down. Now he’s been to a proper venue with security and cameras, hopefully we can get a shot of him that we can match up to the ID he used on entry. Fin, Rollins, go to Club Cumming and see what you can dig up,” Liv ordered before turning to Sonny. “Carisi, keep trying to track down some kind of guest list for that first party. We still need to talk to witnesses from who saw them together.”

 

“Rollins, Carisi, I’ll need your notes so far,” Rafael called out, mainly to Amanda, as they all exited the bullpen.

 

“...seems pretty unrealistic to me,” Fin was saying quietly to Amanda.

 

“I dunno, Sonny said something like one percent of the population identifies as asexual. Maybe there’s something to it?”

 

Fin snorted, face disbelieving as he shook his head.

 

Sonny was beside them before he even knew what had overcome him, his fists clenching by his sides.

 

“How about you educate yourselves before you dismiss an entire group of people already laughed at by the majority of the population,” Sonny half-shouted. “You gave me heaps for  _ asking _ about a transgender kid, like I was some kind of idiot, and yet here you both are saying whatever the hell you like about a minority you literally know nothing about.”

 

At their stunned faces, he stalked over to his desk, yanking it open and grabbing the two pamphlets he’d still held on to from over a year ago now.

 

“Bit of light reading,” he spat, shoving the pamphlets in Amanda’s hands.

 

“Sonny--” she started.

 

“No,” he warned, voice wavering as he felt the fight leave his body in a rush.

 

“Sorry, man,” Fin said quietly, and led Amanda out without another word.

 

Everyone was staring, the entire squad room doused in silence. He could feel his chest heaving with each breath, his hands shaking from the adrenaline rush. A gentle hand touched his arm and he spun around, eyes locking on a set of calming green ones laced with concern.

 

“Come on,” Rafael said gently and lead him down the hall to the bunks.

 

Sonny just allowed Rafael to lead him, his body weak after the sudden adrenaline spike. He felt exhausted. And ashamed. And embarrassed. Mostly embarrassed.

 

“Liv’s gonna be so mad,” he whispered after a bout of silence as they stood awkwardly in the middle of the empty room.

 

“I think she’ll understand.”

 

“That was…I shouldn’t have…”

 

“You were right, though,” Rafael said gently, cutting him off. “You were right, and they know it as much as I do.”

 

Sonny nodded, sighing heavily as he sat. He ran his hands through his hair, causing some strands to come loose from his gelled coif, and let his forehead rest in his palms.

 

Eventually he felt the bed dip next to him as Rafael sat down.

 

“Sonny, speaking up when your co-workers -- your friends -- are wrong is hard. And maybe you didn’t handle it the best way you could. But frankly, they were bordering on imbecilic. If it were any other sexuality, they wouldn’t even think like that. But suddenly they’re faced with something unfamiliar, something they don’t understand, and their filter switches off.”

 

Rafael sighed, tilting his head to the side to catch Sonny’s eyes from behind his hands. Sonny raised his head, letting Rafael’s gentle smile calm him.

 

“They’re not completely stupid. They’ll think twice before saying something next time. You did good.”

 

Sonny smiled, then, unable to control his reaction to praise from Rafael. His presence was calming, and he felt a warmth spread throughout him. And suddenly, he wanted to lean in and touch his face. Lean in and kiss him lightly, gently. Lean in and smell him.

 

And his stomach swooped simultaneously with fear and love, and he stood up before he could do something he would regret.

 

“Thanks, Rafael,” he said quietly, offering him a genuine smile.

 

Rafael nodded and stood also, patting Sonny on the back on his way out of the room.

 

Liv was in her office when Sonny returned to his desk. He hesitated, on the verge of sitting down, before heading over to her office

 

He knocked gently on her door frame, smiling apologetically when she looked up.

 

“Look, Lieu, I just wanted to say sorry. For shouting at Fin and Amanda like that. I shouldn’t--“

 

“No, you shouldn’t,” she said quietly, cutting him off. “But if you didn’t I was going to have to, so you saved me a conversation.”

 

She smiled warmly at him, and he sagged a little with relief at knowing he definitely wasn’t in trouble.

 

“You okay?” She asked softly. He was growing more than a little tired of hearing that question directed at him.

 

“Yeah, Lieu. I’m all good.”

 

She didn’t look convinced, but she nodded anyway, and he left with a smile for good measure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now you've read the chapter, you can probably see what I mean in regards to Fin and Amanda. And I just want to say that I don't view them as bad people or bad characters. I chose them simply because it could never be Liv or Raf. I've had people I love have similar views to this. It hurts. That's kinda the point.
> 
> ANYWAY. Thank you for reading :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's more of a filler chapter than anything, so sorry in advance that not a whole lot happens.

“Look, man,” Fin started as soon as they got in the car.

 

Sonny started driving, not sparing Fin a sideways glance. He wasn’t angry anymore. The lingering disappointment was still there, but he was used to feeling that disappointment. He just didn’t want to be having this conversation.

 

“You’re mad, I get it,” Fin said with a sigh after realising Sonny wasn’t going to respond.

 

“I’m really not,” he said easily, still focusing on the road.

 

“Sure, ‘cause you’re usually such a quiet guy,” Fin deadpanned.

 

Sonny sighed, glancing over at Fin.

 

“It’s fine, Fin. Really.” Sonny smiled for good measure.

 

“Alright, just makin’ sure.”

 

Sonny nodded to him as they pulled up, giving him another smile. It  _ was _ fine. He mostly felt uncomfortable about blowing up at Fin in front of everyone.

 

They walked up to the front door of the brownstone, and Fin rapped on the door before they both stepped back. After a beat, an attractive man with sparkling green eyes and a crooked nose answered the door.

 

“Anton Ferrera?” Fin asked as they both flashed their badges.

 

“Yeah?” He didn’t seem nervous, just mildly put-out.

 

“We’d like to ask you a few questions, if that’s alright?” Sonny asked, sending him his most charming smile as he leant against the bricks beside him.

 

“Can I ask what this is about?”

 

“Well, I’m sure it’s probably a big misunderstanding, but a woman was assaulted at Club Cumming the other night, and your name came up.” Sonny hated how easily he made himself sound like he was on this guy’s side.

 

“Oh. At the LGBT party?”

 

“That’s the one.”

 

“Yeah, I was there. I didn’t see anything, though, if that’s what you wanna talk about?”

 

“Sure, we get it,” Fin chimed in, glancing at Sonny. “But people often remember more than they think they do with a bit of prodding.”

 

“Yeah, like when you think you don’t know the words of a song until the song’s playing, and suddenly you’re singing along,” Sonny added with a smile.

 

Anton laughed easily and nodded, glancing back into the apartment behind him. Sonny hated him.

 

“I’m expecting company. My mom and dad are coming over,” he said with a ‘ _ what-can-you-do’  _ shrug.

 

“It won’t take long,” Fin tried.

 

“Yeah, yeah alright, come in,” he relented after an uneasy silence.

 

Sonny and Fin followed Anton into his living room, taking a seat across from him on the lounge.

 

“It’s okay, Stefan, you don’t need to sneak around,” Anton called out over their shoulders, a warm smile on his face. “It’s just some cops, not my parents.”

 

They watched as the barely-clothed Stefan sagged with relief against the doorway to the living room.

 

“Great. Mind if I shower before I go?”

 

“Go ahead.”

 

“Boyfriend?” Sonny asked casually, resting back into his chair.

 

“Sure,” Anton said with an awkward laugh and a shrug that told Sonny that it was probably more of a one night stand situation.

 

“Anyway, man, we just wanna know what you were up to that night, whether you had any photos, that sort of thing,” Fin said.

 

Anton frowned, pulling his phone out of his pocket.

 

“I got some photos, yeah, but I doubt they’ll be of any help. They’re just selfies of me and my friends, and a video of Darren Criss.”

 

“Can we see?” Sonny prompted, resting forward to reach out for the phone.

 

“Uh, sure.”

 

Sonny flicked through the photos, but the first thing he noticed was that Anton’s face was easily recognisable, no paint or mask of any kind concealing his face. It didn’t rule him out completely, but it didn’t look promising, either.

 

“You were right,” he said with a laugh, handing the phone back.

 

“You happen to see this girl at all?” Fin asked, bringing up a photo of Lilly from the night of the party.

 

Anton studied it for a moment before shaking his head slowly. He looked genuinely apologetic as he looked back up at Sonny, and Sonny felt his hatred subside, despite how desperately he wanted to hold onto it.

 

“No, she doesn’t look familiar. I’m sorry.”

 

“That’s alright,” Sonny said quickly, standing up. “Thanks so much for talking to us.”

 

“Yeah, no problem.”

 

\--

 

“Well, that went well,” Fin said as they headed back to the car. Sonny just hummed noncommittally.

 

Sonny could feel the tension rising between them as they drove in silence, but he couldn’t, for the first time, think of a way to fill it.

 

“Y’know, before,” Fin started, and Sonny sighed heavily. “That was me admittin’ I was wrong. I read the pamphlets. I still don’t get it, but I shouldn’t have talked about something I knew nothin’ about.”

 

“Fin, it’s fine, honestly. I shouldn’t have shouted at you.”

 

“Yeah, well…” Fin trailed off.

 

They lapsed back into silence for the rest of the drive, but at least this time it was comfortable.

 

—

 

“I can’t get you a warrant for every person who was at Club Cumming,” Rafael said with an air of exasperation as he stirred his coffee.

 

“Well get us a warrant for  _ something _ .”

 

“We have no grounds for a warrant for anything. We’ve got nothing. We’re still at square one,” Sonny explained, more of a mumble to himself than anything else.

 

They all looked at Rafael for confirmation and he nodded. Sonny hated the warm sensation that spread through his chest at the muted acknowledgement. Rafael was still looking fondly at him over his raised coffee cup and Sonny shot him a half-smile.

 

Liv sighed heavily as Amanda rolled her eyes, turning towards the door.

 

“Find me something more solid. Find me a witness. Keep trying the guests from the house party. Someone has to have taken a photo or something we can use as probable cause.”

 

Sonny pinched the bridge of his nose and nodded, moving to follow the rest of the squad out.

 

“Carisi,” Rafael said quietly.

 

“Counsellor?”

 

“Things still seem tense between you and Rollins,” he commented lightly as he sat at his desk.

 

“Yeah, well, she knows how to hold a grudge.”

 

“What could she possibly have to hold a grudge about?”

 

Sonny sighed, glancing out the door. The squad was long gone, so he sat down in the chair opposite Rafael and sent a quick text to Liv telling them to go without him.

 

“Because I embarrassed her. I yelled at her when I shouldn’t have,” Sonny said quietly, offering a thin-lipped smile.

 

Rafael hummed in contemplation as he kicked his feet up on the desk. Sonny felt his heartbeat quicken and he wasn’t sure if he should leave or stay.

 

“How are you, Carisi?” Rafael asked after a moment's silence, and all Sonny could do was stare.

 

He couldn’t remember Rafael ever attempting  _ small talk _ with him. They’d had countless casual conversations about family and their childhoods and law school. They’d made sure the other was okay more times than he could count. But Rafael had never enquired after him in a casual, non-purposeful way before. Which instantly made him wonder what the reason behind this was.

 

“Blessedly for me, Sonny, I can’t read your mind. Words will work better.”

 

Sonny’s eyes met Rafael’s and he felt his heart skip a literal beat at the warmth he saw. His voice was all snark but his face was a picture of open affection.

 

“I’m good. Great, even,” Sonny said with a laugh, leaning forward on his knees. “How are you?”

 

Rafael rolled his eyes and rested back in his chair, a playful smirk on his face.

 

“Please, when have you ever known me to engage in small talk?”

 

“Hey, you started it,” Sonny grinned, raising his hands in mock-defense.

 

“Hmm, touche.”

 

“Have dinner with me?” Sonny offered, then immediately wished he could take the words back.

 

Rafael looked surprised for a brief moment before he schooled his features, and Sonny felt his stomach flutter.

 

“Is that a good idea?”

 

Rafael sounded sad, suddenly -- regretful -- and Sonny felt a fresh wave of hot guilt wash over him. He ducked his head so he didn’t have to look at Rafael anymore.

 

He wished he could pursue Rafael. He wondered what it would feel like to let this run its natural course. He wondered what it would feel like to take Rafael to dinner, to hold his hand, to kiss him on the cheek, and let it grow naturally instead of worrying about the “end game”.

 

“You tell me,” he said eventually, shyly looking up at Rafael through his lashes.

 

Rafael gave him a small, sad smile.

 

“How about we start with coffee,” he said in a near whisper, and Sonny found himself nodding eagerly.

 

“I’d like that,” he whispered back.

 

It was small, but it was something, and Sonny felt hope bloom in his chest at the prospect of allowing himself to be happy for a while.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks to booyahkendall for being my beta :)
> 
> This chapter's emotionally heavy, so proceed with caution.

Sonny felt warm. Warm, content, and fuzzy. He wished he could blame it on the alcohol, but he was still on his first beer. No, the way he felt had everything to do with the way Rafael was sitting close, leaning in as he looked at photos of Sonny’s niece.

 

“You don’t care about this,” Sonny said with a laugh, pulling his phone away to place in his pocket.

 

Rafael’s hand came to rest on top of his own before he could move much, and his gaze trailed from the warm hand on top of his own all the way up to Rafael’s gorgeous green eyes.

 

“I care about you,” Rafael said quietly, hesitantly, his smile sadder than it ought to be.

 

“Jeez, Rafael. How much have you had to drink?”

 

Rafael pulled his hand back to cradle his scotch in both hands.

 

“Meetings with the DA warrant drinking in excess,” he mumbled, and Sonny felt the smile fall from his own face.

 

“Hey, what’s up?” Sonny asked softly, taking the time to look at Rafael properly.

 

He looked tired. More tired than usual. The lines in his face looked deeper and his eyes seemed duller, and Sonny felt an ache form deep inside himself as he resisted the urge to reach out and touch.

 

Rafael sighed heavily, shooting Sonny another small smile before looking back at his drink.

 

“Tell me more about Anna,” Rafael said quietly, gesturing to the phone that had been left forgotten on the table.

 

Sonny watched him for a moment longer. He noted the tension in Rafael’s shoulders, and the slight stubble on his jaw. He watched Rafael breathing even, deliberate breaths, and sighed heavily, downing the rest of his beer in one mouthful.

 

“Look, I’m gonna indulge your desire to not discuss whatever’s up. But if you ever wanna talk, you can. I care about you, too.”

 

Rafael hummed quietly, gulping down the rest of his drink before signalling for another. Sonny noted the flush in Rafael’s cheeks and the way he was leaning into Sonny’s space more than usual and pushed Rafael’s arm back down, shaking his head at the bartender.

 

“Look, I’ve got a video here of Anna taking her first steps,” Sonny said before Rafael could complain.

 

By the time Sonny had finished showing Rafael videos and explaining small details of the moments, gesturing excitedly, Rafael seemed to have cheered considerably without the help of more alcohol.

 

“...and then Bella said--“

 

Sonny’s phone started buzzing in his hand, cutting him off. He opened his mouth to continue speaking, prepared to ignore it, when Rafael nodded at the screen.

 

“You might want to answer that,”he said softly, moving out of Sonny’s personal space.

 

And just like that, the spell between them was broken, and Sonny came crashing back to reality.

 

“Hey, Lieu,” he said, holding back a sigh as he saw Rafael stand to put his coat on.

 

“Carisi, hey. I need you to meet me at Mount Sinai. We’ve got another vic. She’s hysterical, but I’m thinking it’s our guy. I'm just getting in the ambulance with her now.”

 

“Sure, Lieu. I’ll be there in about half an hour,” he said with a heavy sigh before hanging up.

 

His phone pinged almost instantly with the address. He and Rafael walked out together in silence, and he wordlessly patted Rafael’s arm before heading to his car.

 

—

 

When Sonny arrived at the hospital, they had just started the rape kit. The victim -- Maria -- was hysterical the entire time, but she kept insisting it was fine, that she didn’t need a break. Liv spent the whole time trying to help her breathe, so Sonny decided to hang back and wait until it was safe to start asking questions. Any semblance of a good mood he’d had was gone completely, and his beer sat heavy in his stomach.

 

Once the kit was over, they sat with Maria behind the curtain of her temporary bed. She didn’t need to stay overnight as she’d sustained no serious injuries, but the nurses were pushing to give her a sedative to calm her down.

 

Once left alone, Maria went silent. Her stuttered breathing was the only sound she made as tears silently cascaded down her face.

 

“Maria, please talk to us,” Liv pleaded quietly, leaning in close. “We wanna help you but we need you to tell us exactly what happened.”

 

She remained silent, eyes trained on a spot on the curtain as she hugged her knees to her chest. She looked so small and so fragile, and Sonny wanted to hold her close.

 

After a whole half hour of silence interspersed with Liv’s unsuccessful attempts at conversation, Liv’s phone rang and she left the room with an apologetic glance at Sonny.

 

Sonny just sat quietly, unsure of what to say. There was nothing he could say that Liv hadn’t tried already. He didn’t know where to begin. He desperately wanted to know if this was their guy, or just another awful attack, but he didn’t want to push her.

 

“Carisi, I’ve got to go. Do you mind staying until they discharge her, and giving her a lift to the hotel?” Liv asked, phone clutched to her chest.

 

“Yeah, no worries, Lieu,” he replied easily, waving her off with a smile.

 

He sighed heavily, fishing out his phone, trying to think of a way to get through Maria’s defences.

 

“Wanna see a video of my niece?” He asked with a small laugh, thinking on how it had worked with Rafael earlier that night.

 

To his surprise, she glanced up at him, angling her head in a way he took to mean yes. He cautiously moved from his chair to the bed beside her, scooting a little closer when she didn’t move away, and held the phone up so they could both see.

 

“She’s nearly two,” he said quietly as he hit play.

 

Anna bounced the ball towards Sonny in the video, screeching with delight when he caught it and rolled it back to her. It didn’t matter how many times he watched the video, it always made him smile. He glanced down at Maria and noticed her smiling a little, too, and he felt a sense of accomplishment.

 

“Y’know,” he said quietly, after pocketing his phone again, “I’d love to have a kid of my own one day. They’re just so…pure, y’know? How ‘bout you? Do you want kids?”

 

She sighed, shifting a little beside him, and he inched away to give her a little more space.

 

“Kids would be nice,” she conceded quietly. “But I couldn’t be a single mom.”

 

“What makes ya think you’d have to be a single mom?”

 

She stilled completely, a fresh lot of tears filling her eyes and spilling over instantly.

 

“Hey, no, y’know what? None of my business.”

 

He watched, horrified, as sobs racked her body. He felt responsible, even though he know it really wasn’t his fault at all.

 

“This is my fault,” she hiccoughed.

 

“Don’t do that,” he whispered fiercely. “Don’t blame yourself for something that was completely out of your control.”

 

“But I’m a freak. I’m damaged. I need help. Something’s so, so wrong with me. And he knew it.”

 

Sonny felt a cold sense of dread wash over him. He was almost one hundred percent positive it was the same perp now. He just wished they could prove it.

 

“Maria, listen to me. There could be nothing wrong with you to make what he did acceptable. What he did is on him, not on you.”

 

“I’d just joined a group. I was just st-starting to think maybe I wasn’t abnormal. I met pe-people like me. But I must be damaged. For someone to do this?”

 

She looked at him with wide, pleading eyes, and he felt his breath catch in his throat.

 

“You’re not damaged,” he whispered.

 

“Who doesn’t like sex?” She asked with a sob.

 

“Plenty of people.” _Me._

 

She turned her head away, burying it in her arms.

 

“Maria, listen to me. There’s _at least_ seven million people worldwide who feel similar to you. _At least_ one percent of the population identifies as asexual. You’re not a freak and you’re not damaged, Maria. You’re perfect just the way you are.”

 

“Then why did he rape me?” She mumbled, her voice obscured by tears and skin.

 

“Because he’s the damaged one. Not you.”

 

He rested his hand on her back lightly, bringing up a collection of photos on his phone.

 

“Maria, can you look at some photos and tell me if you recognise any of them?”

 

She stayed still and silent for a few minutes, but eventually she lifted her head to look. After scrolling through the photos she shook her head, burying it back in her arms.

 

“He’s not there,” she whispered.

 

“Did you meet him at the group?”

 

“No. I’d never seen him before.”

 

“But you did see him?” Sonny asked as he got out his pen and notepad.

 

“Yeah. He just came out of nowhere out the front of my building. He had flowers. He said he was dropping them off for his girlfriend. I let him into the building with me. Stupid.

 

“He walked up the stairs with me, chatting about his girlfriend, about how he couldn’t wait to take her to Disneyland because he was going to propose to her there. He told me all about the ring he’d got from his great grandmother. It sounded so beautiful.

 

“He paused with me when I got to my door. That’s when I started feeling like something was wrong. And as soon as my door was open he pushed me inside and started tearing at my clothing, telling me how he was going to fix me, make me see how--how wrong I was.”

 

Maria’s voice lost the strength it had found as she dissolved into a fresh round of tears, this time buried against Sonny’s side. He held her tightly as he ran soothing circles on her back.

 

As much as he hated the thought, he hoped the bastard had left some DNA behind. He’d moved on from parties to house visits, and that wasn’t a good sign at all.

 

—

 

“Call me. Any time. Anything you need, okay?” Sonny said, handing Maria his business card.

 

She nodded.

 

He smiled at her as he shut the door behind him, and his face crumbled the moment he was out of sight. The amount of hatred she seemed to hold for herself physically pained him, and he had no words to offer that would make it better.

 

Sonny sat in his car contemplating texting Rafael. He didn’t much feel like being alone, and he desperately wanted something to take his mind off this case.

 

But he remembered the tense lines in Rafael’s back, and the dullness in his eyes, and thought better of it. Rafael didn’t need to deal with Sonny’s personal feelings on the case. All Rafael needed was for him to do his job properly and give him a good case to prosecute.

 

Just as he was about to start the car, his phone buzzed.

 

**Elliot**

_You free for a drink?_

 

Sonny stared at the message for a while, contemplating the offer. He wanted to do something more in regards to their case, but it was too late at night to even attempt to obtain any security footage for Maria’s building, so he knew there was nothing more he could do at that time.

 

**Sonny**

_I doubt I’d be good company._

 

**Elliot**

_Sounds like you NEED a drink, then. My shout._

 

Sonny sighed, running a hand over his face. He thought about going home and calling it a night, but the thought of his empty apartment was the opposite of comforting.

 

**Sonny**

_Sure, one drink._

 

Elliot’s next message contained an address that was blessedly close to home, and he set off in that direction.

 

When he arrived at the bar, he spotted Elliot instantly, and a wave of relief flooded him.

 

“Hey, I got you a beer. But I’ll drink it if you’d rather something else,” Elliot said, sliding the beer across the table to Sonny as he took off his coat.

 

“Cheers,” he said, before taking a large mouthful.

 

“Rough night on the job?”

 

Sonny huffed out a laugh and shook his head.

 

“Yeah, let’s not go there. What’ve you been up to?”

 

“Ah, had a date but it didn’t quite go so well,” Elliot gestured to the red mark blossoming below his ear.

 

Sonny frowned, leaning in a bit to get a better look at the bruise that was forming. He hated that he couldn’t stop being a cop out of hours, especially since working with SVU.

 

“He do that to you?”

 

“It was a misunderstanding.”

 

“Do I need to--?”

 

“No. Sonny, that’s not why I invited you out for a drink. If I wanted a cop, I would have gone to the police, relax.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, but that’s…I mean that’s not okay.”

 

“Which is why I won’t be seeing him again.”

 

“Good. Yeah, good.”

 

Sonny took another drink as a slightly awkward silence fell between them.

 

“Am I your rebound, then?” He asked with a laugh, trying to lighten the mood.

 

To his relief, Elliot laughed as well.

 

“Something like that…”

 

“So how’s your mom? Ma said she was going to Paris?”

 

They lapsed into comfortable conversation, getting to know each other outside of their shared church and home ground. One beer turned into six, and Sonny had returned to pleasantly buzzed by the time they parted ways.

 

He fell asleep easily for the first time since the case had started.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usual warnings for mentions/vague descriptions of rape and trauma.
> 
> And, as always, huge thanks to my beta, booyahkendell :)

It seemed to be a continuous string of bad luck with this case. They’d managed to get DNA from Maria’s rape kit, but it matched nothing in the database and they were no closer to finding their perp.

 

Maria’s apartment was too cheap and too old to have any kind of security system, and all CCTV managed to give them was the back of two potential suspects, but no identifying features.

 

They’d interviewed everyone they could track down from both parties where the first two rapes had occurred, and no one seemed to know who their perp was. No one even recalled seeing him, except Ariana’s friend Emma, but even she didn’t know his name.

 

Every potential lead turned out to be a dead end, and Sonny’s frustration was growing. Their only hope was Maria, but she refused to talk to a sketch artist or look at any more photos. She’d called Sonny five times in two days, scared someone was in her hotel room. Every time he’d shown up and searched the room for her, and every time she would break down again, apologising over and over. 

 

Maria wouldn’t speak to anyone other than Sonny. Every time Sonny was with her, she’d let another detail slip -- the smell of his cologne, the rough fabric of his jumper, the sound of his voice in her ear -- but none of it was of any help, and every time Sonny  _ tried _ to push for something they might be able to use, she would fall into a mantra of self-hatred that made Sonny’s heart ache.

 

The more he spoke to Maria the more the case hurt him. Ariana was at peace with her sexuality, and Lilly was defiantly proud of hers. But Maria saw it as a flaw, as something that needed to be fixed, and blamed herself for her attack.

 

“I’m so sorry, Sonny,” she hiccoughed.

 

“You don’t gotta apologise.”

 

“You’re the only one who makes me feel safe.”

 

“That’s my job,” he said with a smile.

 

“This is all my fault.”

 

“Maria,” he sighed, “You gotta stop doing that. It’s not your fault. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

 

He was tired. He was so tired. It was two AM and he was leaning against Maria’s hotel room wall for the third time that day, listening to her hate herself, and he wasn’t sure he could keep doing this. But what else could he do? They needed her for this case. They needed her to open up. Sonny was the only one she would talk to. He was just doing his job. But he knew it was more than that, too. He wanted --  _ needed - _ \- her to be okay.

 

“You should see a therapist,” he said softly. “I can get you a referral.”

 

“Won’t change anything,” she mumbled.

 

“You’d be surprised. Helped me a lot.”

 

She looked up at him, confusion written on her face, and he laughed.

 

“What, you think I’m always okay? Everyone’s got shit they need to deal with, Maria. Some more than others. Therapy helps. Trust me.”

 

“What’d you need therapy for?”

 

He breathed out heavily, considering what was appropriate -- what would help.

 

“I nearly died. Had a gun to my head. Thought I was gone,” he said slowly, voice cracking a little. “But I’d been struggling for longer and just hadn’t realised it. It helped a lot. With everything. I wish I hadn’t waited so long to go.”

 

“You nearly died?” He nodded. “But you seem so…fine.”

 

“Mostly I am, yeah. But only ‘cause I got help. No one expects you to get through something traumatic on your own. You shouldn’t expect it of yourself.”

 

She nodded slowly before saying, “I’ll think about it,” a hint of a smile ghosting her face.

 

“You gonna be okay if I go?”

 

“Yeah. Yeah, I’ll try not to call again.”

 

Just as he was leaving, his phone rang, Amanda’s face flashing up on his screen.

 

“What’s up?”

 

“Meet me at Bellvue. We’ve got another vic.”

 

“Can she give us a description?”

 

“He,” Amanda corrected, and Sonny felt a wave of nausea wash over him. “And no. Not at the moment, anyway. He put up a real fight. He’s banged up pretty bad.”

 

“I’ll be there in fifteen.”

 

—

 

“Hey, how’s he doin’?”

 

“Not good. They had to sedate him before I could get much out of him. The nurses did a rape kit, but I didn’t get to question him. Sorry for dragging you down here.”

 

“No, no, it’s fine,” he assured her. “Have you spoken to the nurses?”

 

“I spoke to the paramedic. He was the outcry witness. Waiting on the nurses now.”

 

Sonny nodded and sighed, collapsing into one of the uncomfortable hospital chairs to wait. A feeling of tension settled between them and Sonny had to fight back the urge to groan in frustration. He and Amanda hadn’t spoken since his outburst in the squad room. He hadn’t even quite realised, being so busy with the case.

 

He patted the empty chair next to him, and when she just folded her arms across her chest, he sighed again.

 

“Look, ‘Manda, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lose my cool at you like that. Especially not in front of everyone.”

 

“Yeah, well,” she started as she sat down next to him. “I’m sorry for not thinking before I spoke.”

 

He laughed, nudging her with his shoulder, and she nudged back, giving him a grin. She may be stubborn, but it never took much to fix things between them.

 

“You doin’ okay?” She asked softly.

 

He considered telling her what was going on. He considered admitting to her he was asexual, that this case hit too close to home for him, and that Maria was using up every bit of energy he had left, and he had no inclination to put a stop to it. He even considered telling her about Rafael and asking for her opinion on the whole matter.

 

Just as he was about to open his mouth to begin spilling his metaphorical guts, the nurse came out.

 

“Detective Rollins?”

 

“Yeah,” Amanda said, standing up. “This is my partner, Detective Carisi.”

 

“You won’t be able to speak to Andrew tonight, I’m afraid. But you should be able to speak to him tomorrow afternoon. If you give me your details, I can make sure someone contacts you tomorrow.”

 

As Amanda gave the nurse her details, Sonny leant against the wall, feeling his exhaustion wash over him completely. A feeling of fear and dread was bubbling up inside him. Female victims were one thing, but a male victim made him wonder if he could be next.

 

He knew the thought was ridiculous -- he’d never felt that way with male victims before -- but this case had wound its way around his heart and dragged him in. He felt too much a part of it, and he couldn’t stop the fear of him being a target from threatening to swallow him whole.

 

“Hey, you okay?” Amanda asked, appearing at his side once more.

 

“Yeah,” he breathed out, following her out of the hospital.

 

—

 

Sonny glanced up as a coffee cup landed its way on his desk. He followed the hand up to Rafael’s eyes. Rafael’s eyes that were full of concern and affection in equal measures -- a look that felt far too private.

 

“Thought you could use this,” he said quietly, perching on the edge of Sonny’s desk.

 

“Mmm. Thanks,” Sonny said after taking a large mouthful, ignoring the fact that it was slightly too hot on the way down.

 

“Heard anything on Andrew yet?”

 

“Nah, but I’m guessing you already knew that.”

 

“Liv said you spoke to Maria again last night.” Sonny nodded. “It’s not your job to coddle her.”

 

“We need her.”

 

“We do,” Rafael said with a sigh, “but don’t let it consume you. Have dinner with me tonight.”

 

Sonny stared at Rafael for a moment. He watched the way Rafael’s shoulders tensed before he made an effort to relax them, and the way his jaw was set defiantly, though Sonny had no idea why. He wondered if Rafael even wanted to be asking, but then Rafael’s eyes went soft, and Sonny felt himself smile back, nodding his head.

 

“Sure, I’d like that.”

 

—

 

Sonny was just outside the restaurant Rafael had chosen when his phone rang.

 

“Carisi,” he said as he handed the cab driver some money, motioning for him to keep the change.

 

“Andrew can’t give a clear description. He can’t really remember anything. It’s looking like something was slipped into his drink, but we’re gonna run some more tests.”

 

“You went without me?” Sonny could feel the frustration bubbling up inside him already. Four victims, and still absolutely no leads.

 

“Didn’t want to interrupt your hot date,” Amanda teased.

 

“I told you to call me.”

 

“Yeah, well, you’re welcome,” she snapped, hanging up before he could say anything else.

 

He sighed heavily and shot off an apology text, though he wasn’t entirely sure she deserved it.

 

He felt his eyes prickle with tears as he leant against the brick wall of the restaurant, taking a deep breath in. He was overworked and overtired and this case was getting under his skin. They had a serial rapist on their hands who were attacking people like him, and they had no leads. He felt completely helpless, and that helplessness translated to anger and frustration. Before he’d even registered the thought process, he was punching the brick wall. He heard, more than felt, the bones in his fingers crack, and he cursed loudly.

 

A warm hand was on the small of his back, leading him away from the commotion now bubbling at his expense, and he allowed himself be lead down a quiet side-street.

 

“I’m sorry,” Sonny whispered once he registered it was Rafael standing with him.

 

“Rather the wall than me.”

 

“I would never,” Sonny whispered fiercely, eyes shooting up to meet Rafael’s.

 

“I know. Sonny, I know.”

 

He sighed, sagging against the wall, shame filling him up and diluting his anger.

 

“Raf, I’m so sorry. I ruined--“

 

“Nothing. You ruined nothing.”

 

Sonny smiled weakly.

 

“How do you feel about Thai food?” Rafael asked quietly.

 

“What?”

 

“Thai food. There’s a nice place down the road from my apartment.”

 

“You invitin’ me over?”

 

“Wow, you really are a detective,” Rafael deadpanned, causing Sonny to grin, just a little. “Yes, I’m inviting you over. Once that’s been looked at.”

 

As Rafael glanced down at Sonny’s bruised and bloodied hand, he made an attempt to move his fingers which resulted in a shock of pain that caused him to hiss.

 

Gently, Rafael took his hand, running delicate fingers over his knuckles. Even the feather-light touch caused him to flinch and retract his hand.

 

“It’s fine. It just needs some ice.”

 

“It could be broken.”

 

“Nah, I don’t think anything’s broken. Just bruised.”

 

Rafael eyed him skeptically for a moment before conceding with a sigh.

 

“Fine, come on. I have an ice pack at home.”

 

Sonny followed wordlessly, walking just close enough for their shoulders to brush every now and again. He let Rafael order him dinner, and when he got inside Rafael’s apartment, he felt a strange sense of calm wash over him. It smelt entirely like Rafael the moment he stepped through the door, and he had to stop himself from breathing in deeply.

 

“Go sit down. I’ll bring food and the ice pack,” Rafael said quietly as he toed his shoes off at the door.

 

They ate their meal in silence. Uncomfortable silence. Silence Sonny would usually fill with chatter about something or other. But anything that popped into his head felt like the wrong thing to say. Every thought that reached the tip of his tongue died as the ice pack slowly defrosted on his knuckles. So they ate in silence, and Sonny desperately wished he could fill it.

 

“Thanks.” When Rafael looked up at him in confusion, Sonny added, “For dinner. And…well, yeah…”

 

“Don’t mention it.”

 

“Yeah, but…” Sonny trailed off with a sigh, looking down at his half-empty container of food. He dropped his voice to a whisper to add, “I wanted tonight to be nice.”

 

“My apartment isn’t nice enough for you?” Rafael asked, feigning offense.

 

Sonny laughed, looking up at Rafael again, eyes shining with unshed tears.

 

“Your apartment’s plenty nice,” he said with perhaps too much sincerity.

 

Rafael sighed, dropping his chopsticks into his container as he leant forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

 

“Sonny, if you need someone to talk to--“

 

“It’s fine,” Sonny cut him off quickly, offering a watery smile. “It’s fine.”

 

Rafael gave him a small nod, popping the lid back on his container. Sonny followed suit and watched as Rafael took both containers into the kitchen and returned with a bottle of beer for Sonny and a glass of scotch for himself. Instead of reclaiming his armchair across from Sonny, he sat himself right beside him on the lounge. So close he could feel the heat radiating from the other man.

 

“Thanks,” he said quietly, before taking a sip.

 

“How's your hand?”

 

“Sore,” he admitted with a grimace. “Will be for a while, I imagine.”

 

“I wish you’d let me take you to the hospital.”

 

“If it’s worse tomorrow, I’ll get it checked out.”

 

“Good.”

 

“Hey, Rafael?” Sonny asked after a beat of silence, tilting his head a little in Rafael’s direction.

 

“Mmm?”

 

“How ‘bout you? You okay?” 

 

Sonny’s heart was pounding in his chest as he watched Rafael freeze, his shoulders tensing. He wanted to reach out, to soothe, to feel like he was doing at least  _ something _ useful. But more than that, he wanted to know if Rafael was okay.

 

Because he’d noticed how quiet the other man had been. He’d noticed how his smiles seemed smaller; sadder. He’d noticed the air of defeat that seemed to hang around Rafael when he wasn’t in court or meeting with defense attorneys. 

 

He’d noticed, but it hadn’t fully sunk in until the other night when Rafael had practically begged Sonny to bother him with videos and stories of his family. It hadn’t sunk in until Rafael had had a little too much to drink and his defenses weren’t up quite so high. And he’d been so absorbed in this case that he’d forgotten to ask.

 

“I’m fine,” Rafael said softly, not meeting Sonny’s eyes.

 

“I guess we both are, then,” Sonny replied, quirking his lips up in a half-smile when Rafael turned to look at him properly.

 

The smile he received in return was small, but genuine, and Sonny was grateful for it. He hadn’t expected Rafael to talk. He just needed him to know he was there, and he’d noticed. He needed Rafael to know he cared.

 

Three drinks in, and Sonny was holding Rafael’s hand. He didn’t know how or when it happened, but a more accurate description would be that they were holding hands. Rafael hadn’t moved away. In fact, he’d moved closer.

 

A vague flicker of panic ran through him, but it was dulled by the alcohol and the warm comfort of Rafael’s deep, green eyes as he spoke about something that Sonny honestly wasn’t listening to. He felt warm, and safe, and comfortable, and he was damn well going to enjoy it.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks to my beta, booyahkendell.
> 
> And thank you to everyone who's been reading and the lovely comments you've left! It honestly means so much more to me than I can put into words :)
> 
> Poor Sonny goes through a pretty rough time in this chapter, so consider yourself forewarned.
> 
> Additional chapter warnings: Mentions of attempted suicide

Sonny had spent a solid seven hours combing through CCTV from various angles around both the bar Andrew had met his rapist and Andrew’s apartment, where the attack had occurred. Sonny had been staring at grainy footage for seven hours and he had a headache.

 

He’d gotten one shot of the side of the perp’s face, but it was so grainy he knew, even as he sent it on to be cleaned up, that nothing would come of it.

 

He felt he could cry with frustration. Four victims and absolutely no closer to finding out who this asshole was.

 

And, true to her word, Maria hadn’t called again. Not yet, anyway. He knew that was probably a good thing, but he was really hoping she would come around. He understood she was scared, and he understood she blamed herself for what had happened, but he couldn’t understand her unwillingness to help put a monster behind bars.

 

Sonny squinted at the second shot he’d captured of their perp’s profile. Something in the shape of the man's face looked familiar, but he couldn’t work out why.

 

He sighed as the final tape ended, and rubbed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. Seven hours and he’d accomplished nothing. He barely resisted the urge to swipe his laptop off the table, and opted, instead, for slamming his fist into it’s instead.

 

Which was the wrong thing to do, considering he’d only punched a brick wall with that same hand the night before. His eyes filled with tears as he sucked in a sharp breath.

 

“Carisi?” Liv asked quietly from halfway across the room.

 

“Lieu,” Sonny’s head snapped up. “Sorry.”

 

“You okay?” She asked gently, leaning against a desk.

 

“If you tell me you have something I just might be,” he said with a shallow laugh.

 

“Sorry, Fin and Amanda have been speaking to people all day and no one’s been any help.”

 

Sonny sighed and cradled his throbbing hand to his chest, an uncomfortable lump forming in his throat.

 

“He just keeps getting lucky. Our only witness is too scared to pursue her own case, and no one else saw him properly or can remember what he looked like. I mean, it’s ridiculous!” Sonny was bordering on shouting, but he couldn’t quite stop himself.

 

“How can one man manage to dodge all photos and security cameras? How the hell--?” he cut himself off and breathed out heavily, shooting Liv an apologetic look.

 

“I know. This one’s tough. And it doesn’t help that Fin and I have had to dedicate so much of our time to other cases. But we’re all on board now. We’ll get him, Carisi.”

 

Liv clasped his shoulder comfortingly and made to leave the room.

 

“What if we trap him?” Sonny asked quietly, causing Liv to stop in the doorway and turn back to him. “The last two were both a part of that Asexual group. What if I sign up to it.”

 

“Carisi…”

 

“How else are we gonna get him? Their security system was awful, so TARU can’t trace who might have been in their system unauthorised. All members and founders have alibis, or you’d have come here with good news for me. What other option have we got?”

 

Liv contemplated his words for far too long, but Sonny remained patiently silent.

 

“Okay. But we have to discuss it with Barba first. It’s been a long day and you’ve spent the last seven hours staring at a tiny screen. Go home. We’ll discuss it tomorrow.”

 

Sonny nodded, closing his laptop as she left the room.

 

As he made his way back to his desk, Sonny thought about seeing if Rafael was free, but when he thought of their intimacy the night before, his stomach twisted anxiously. Instead, it was Elliot’s number he pulled up.

 

**Sonny**

_ Hey, you free? Wanna meet for drinks? _

 

It wasn’t until hours later, when Sonny was half-watching crap TV while scrolling through Facebook, that his phone pinged.

 

**Elliot**

_ I’m so sorry, I was busy. I’m guessing you’re probably home now? _

 

**Sonny**

_ That’s okay. Yeah, another time? _

 

**Elliot**

_ Sure. Everything okay? _

 

Sonny sighed, dropping his phone to his stomach. He thought about telling Elliot about the case, about how frustrated he was with their getting nowhere. He thought about talking about Rafael, too. He briefly wondered if he should see his therapist again, with all the thoughts swirling around his head that he couldn’t seem to tell anyone about. 

 

His phone vibrated again.

 

**Elliot**

_ I know you work with SVU. I worked in child services for a long while. I doubt you could shock me. _

 

**Sonny**

_ You’d be surprised. _

 

**Elliot**

_ From experience, it’s not good to bottle things up. I know we’re not all that close, so you don’t have to talk to me. Make sure you talk to someone though? _

 

He figured it couldn’t hurt to talk just a little bit. Get some of his frustration off his chest.

 

**Sonny**

_ This prick just keeps evading us. He’s targeting asexuals. It’s disgusting. And he just keeps getting lucky. I guess it’s just frustrating. Every potential lead is another dead end. _

 

**Elliot**

_ You sure it’s just that bothering you? _

 

**Sonny**

_?? _

 

**Elliot**

_ This one’s gotta hit a bit close to home, right? _

 

Sonny felt a lump forming in his throat. He’d been trying to hard not to think about himself in all of this, he really had. 

 

**Sonny**

_ It feels like it’s happening to me, when they tell me what he says to them. _

 

**Elliot**

_ I’m so sorry, Sonny. _

 

He was surprised when his breathing stuttered and hot tears slipped down his cheeks. He hadn’t felt this coming. And suddenly it was all too much. Because everything those girls had told him, and everything that had been said to them, hit him right in his weak spot. 

 

Because he still hadn’t come to terms with his asexuality, no matter how much he tried to make peace with it. He was still too scared to tell people for fear of rejection and humiliation. He was too scared to allow himself to form any kind of romantic bond for fear that he would get his heart broken when they realised he wasn’t going to have sex with them.

 

He hated himself for it every time he thought about it, and this case meant he thought about it every day. And it didn’t matter how willing he was to fight for the victims, he couldn’t find the strength to fight for himself.

 

He could feel Rafael getting closer again, and he was making a real effort to let it happen naturally. Because his fear was born from love. He’d been in love with Rafael since the moment he met him, despite everything, and he was so scared that if he got too close, Rafael would turn him away. Out of disgust, out of pity, out of a plain disinterest -- Sonny didn’t care what the reason was, he just knew he couldn’t bear it.

 

He felt sick just thinking about the way he was leading Rafael on while trying to deal with his own conflicting feelings. He knew he was handling this badly. He knew it had to end, but he was so unwilling to let it.

 

His phone vibrating brought him back to his senses, and he wiped his eyes roughly before answering.

 

“Carisi,” he answered, voice wavering a little.

 

“Hey, you okay?” Amanda asked softly, her voice coming down as though she’d been about to say something else.

 

“Yeah, fine, what’s up?”

 

“We’ve got another male vic. He was drugged, too, and he’s still unconscious. He was part of the asexual group, though. Lincoln Thomas.”

 

Sonny could picture his smiling face from his profile immediately, and his stomach twisted in anger and guilt.

 

“I’ll come down to the hospital,” he said with a sigh, heaving himself up off the lounge.

 

“Bellvue,” she confirmed before adding, “Fin’s gonna go talk to his friends. We thought it’d be better if you were there if Lincoln wakes up.”

 

“Sure, see ya soon.”

 

As Sonny hung up, he noticed another message from Elliot.

 

**Elliot**

_ I can come over if you want? I’m in Manhattan at the moment anyway. I’ll bring beers. _

 

Sonny sighed, disappointment bubbling up inside him. He’d much rather be drinking beer with Elliot than sitting in a hospital waiting for a victim to wake up.

 

**Sonny**

_ Raincheck? I’ve been called in to work. _

 

**Elliot**

_ No problem. Take care of yourself. _

 

— 

 

Sonny spent five hours dozing off in the waiting room before a nurse came to tell him Lincoln had woken up. Sonny nudged Amanda awake as he stood, heading into the room.

 

“Hey, Lincoln,” Sonny said softly.

 

“Who are you?”

 

Sonny noted how scratchy his voice sounded and the bruise blossoming under his eye.

 

“I’m Detective Carisi. This is my partner, Detective Rollins.”

 

“I don’t wanna talk to you.”

 

“That’s fine,” Sonny said with a small nod. “But we kinda really need your help.”

 

“I don’t remember anything.”

 

“We und--”

 

“I don’t remember anything,” he said with more force, wincing as he shifted his position. “I’d tell you if I did. Trust me.”

 

Sonny nodded, feeling helplessness shroud him once more. It felt like a constant dance of one step forward, two steps back with this case.

 

“What he did,” Lincoln started, pure venom in his voice despite the way it shook as his eyes filled with tears. “I would never have allowed--”

 

He broke off with a shuddering gasp, and Sonny’s stomach twisted in empathy, his own eyes stinging.

 

“I don’t really like sex. I don’t have sex with strangers. It’s…I’m asexual. I dunno if you know what that is, but--”

 

“I know,” Sonny said quietly. “It’s…We think that’s why you were targeted.”

 

And oh, how Sonny hated the way Lincoln’s face twisted at that news. He looked more horrified and more upset than he had before, and Sonny wished he could take the words back.

 

“This wasn’t random?” Sonny and Amanda both shook their heads. “He…Because I’m…What the fuck? So this is my fault?”

 

“No,” Sonny said sharply.

 

“You didn’t choose your sexuality,” Amanda said, flashing Sonny a look, and he knew this was partly her way of showing she’d done her research. “And you sure as hell didn’t ask for this.”

 

“This isn’t your fault,” Sonny added, just for good measure.

 

Lincoln held their gaze for a moment before deflating entirely, resting back into the mass of pillows propping him up.

 

“I’m sorry, I can’t help.”

 

“It’s okay. Let us know if you remember anything,” Amanda said as she placed her card on his side table.

 

“I can’t believe this guy,” Amanda said once they were out in the hall. “Five vics and we’re no closer to finding him.”

 

“Hey,” Fin called from across the waiting room of the ER. “Any luck?”

 

“Nah,” Sonny said with a sigh. “How ‘bout you?”

 

“Nothin’. They didn’t even realise he’d gone. They only found him ‘cause they were s’posed to be stayin’ at his place.”

 

“Fuck,” Sonny muttered under his breath. “Fuck.”

 

Amanda clasped his arm comfortingly and he leant into the touch, just a little. He felt like he hadn’t slept in days, not properly, and he knew his shift started in a couple of hours. He wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway.

 

“I’ll get started on rounding up CCTV footage,” he said with a sigh, headache already forming at the thought of staring at computer monitors for hours on end again.

 

After hours of trawling the streets around the bar for potentially helpful footage, Sonny felt defeated. He knew he should feel hopeful. They had another opportunity to catch this guy, and Rafael had sent them a warrant for the guest list because, blessedly, the club Lincoln had been assaulted at had ID and facial screening on entry.

 

“Hey, let’s grab a coffee. My shout,” Amanda suggested as they pulled up at the precinct. 

 

“Sure,” Sonny shrugged, following her around the corner.

 

Even from outside, he could see Liana’s brighter-than-the-sun smile, her golden hair bobbing around her face, and he felt his stomach flip. He felt like an ass for not calling or texting, but she was better off not being strung along by his need to be overly friendly to everyone.

 

“Do you mind if I wait out here?”

 

Amanda glanced inside, caught sight of Liana, and turned back to Sonny with a smirk on her face.

 

“Things not go well with Miss Sunshine in there?” And God, he hated how smug she sounded.

 

“Things didn’t  _ go _ at all.”

 

“You’re telling me you’re not into that? Hell, even I’m into that,” she teased, and Sonny rolled his eyes.

 

“Go be  _ into that _ , then,” he said a little too icily. “You give her your number if you want, you take her out. Although I’d start by not referring to her as  _ that _ . Her name’s Liana.”

 

Amanda looked stunned by his outburst, but before she could say anything, his phone started ringing.

 

“Hey, Ma,” he answered, putting on his best cheerful voice, relieved to see Amanda walking away.

 

“Sonny! Oh, sweetheart, what happened with Elliot?”

 

“What?” His face pinched in confusion. “What about Elliot?”

 

“I just bumped into him at the deli and it sounded like you two weren’t seeing each other anymore.”

 

Sonny sighed heavily. This was not a conversation he wanted to be having.

 

“Ma, we were never seeing each other like that. We’re just friends.”

 

“Sonny, he deserves better than that! He’s a good boy. Nice, religious, young, fresh. He cares about people. He does good work with the church. You would be lucky to have someone like him. And he’d be lucky to have you!”

 

“Ma, someone will be lucky to have him, okay? He’s great. I’m just not interested.”

 

“But you’re  _ never _ interested,” she sighed, sounding so forlorn that he felt guilt twist inside his stomach. “I just want you to be happy, sweetheart.”

 

“Can’t I be happy alone?”

 

His mother scoffed, but he could picture the sad, pinched expression on her face, and he felt his face grow hot and his eyes grow watery. Because this is what it all came down to. He could handle letting himself down. He could handle not finding love for himself, despite how desperately lonely he felt every time he thought about his future. He could handle all of his internal hatred and fear. But he couldn’t handle letting his mother down.

 

He knew she didn’t approve of Tommy, and both Theresa and Gina were always flying from one man to the next, never for a moment settling down. And Sonny had always been such a mommy’s boy. He took pleasure in making her happy, in doing right by her. Letting her down wasn’t an option.

 

He realised his mother had been talking to him for some time and he’d tuned her out. He could feel his heart hammering in his chest as he noted the tint of desperation in her voice.

 

“...Though there is surrogacy…but you can always adopt, too. But that’s beside the point.”

 

“Ma,” he said with a shaky sigh.

 

“I just want to see my only son get married, have a family,  _ be happy _ .”

 

“I am happy.” He knew the tremor in his voice gave him away, and he closed his eyes, heart practically pounding in his throat.

 

“You’ve not been happy for a long time, Sonny.”

 

His breath hitched in his throat, and the sound of his mother shushing him like a child on the other end nearly undid him. All he wanted was to make her proud.

 

He felt Amanda come up behind him and took a deep, shaky breath.

 

“I gotta go, Ma. I’ll talk to you later.”

 

He hung up before she could say anything, ignoring Amanda’s concerned expression as he took the coffee from her and walked back to the precinct, Amanda half-running behind him to keep up.

 

“Hey, you okay?” She asked as they got in the elevator.

 

No, he wasn’t okay. But he couldn’t find the words. His breath was coming a little too fast and his heart was still beating wildly in his chest. He was surprised she couldn’t hear it. It seemed to be all he could hear. He swallowed, prepared to answer, but the words weren’t there. He just shook his head. A small, jerky action that felt unnatural, and pushed through the elevator doors before she could say anything else.

 

His phone started vibrating again as he got to his desk, and he looked down at Gina’s face staring up at him. 

 

He declined the call.

 

She called him back instantly.

 

He could feel himself shaking. He didn’t know if he was angry, or upset, or scared, or something else entirely.

 

He declined the call again.

 

“Carisi, my office?” Liv asked, and he wordlessly followed her.

 

She sighed, closing the door behind them before moving to lean against her desk. He remained standing, half-worried he was being told off for something.

 

“Maria tried to take her own life last night.” Sonny felt his stomach flip at her words, the metallic taste of bile rising in his throat. “She’s stable, but it was touch and go for a while there. She’s not conscious at the moment. She lost a lot of blood.”

 

Sonny felt like he couldn’t breathe.

 

“I thought you should know,” Liv said softly, offering him an apologetic smile.

 

“Thanks,” he choked out, turning away to leave.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

No. He wasn’t okay. He felt like screaming it, but the words died on his tongue. He felt like every eye was on him as he walked back to his desk. 

 

His phone was vibrating again.

 

He declined the call, half-throwing his phone down on his desk as he stalked back out of the room and down the hall to the change rooms. Somewhere to be alone. Somewhere to breathe.

 

Except he couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe, and his tie felt too tight. He tugged at it roughly, clumsily, tearing the top buttons from his shirt. He tried to take a deep breath, but it came out as more of a gasp. More of a sob.

 

He heard the door open, felt the warm, gentle hand come and rest on his arm, and he tried for another deep breath. His chest hurt.

 

“Sonny,” Rafael said gently, and Sonny turned away from him in shame. “I can go, if you want, but I’d rather stay.”

 

Sonny reached for Rafael’s hand, managing to grab his wrist instead, face still turned away. He couldn’t breathe.

 

“I’m not going anywhere,” Rafael whispered, linking their fingers while his other hand came to rest on the back of his neck, fingers running into his hair. “Breathe with me.”

 

And Sonny did. He listened to Rafael’s deliberate breaths mingling with the sound of the hot water system humming in the distance. He listened to Rafael’s breaths and he tried to match them with his own. He felt his knees grow weak and he slid down the locker to the floor, Rafael sliding with him, until they were both sitting on the dirty floor.

 

“I’m sorry about Maria,” Rafael said gently, and Sonny thought he might cry.

 

“Yeah,” he whispered. “Me too.”

 

“She’ll be okay.”

 

Sonny wanted to ask him how he knew. He wanted to voice his doubt. He didn’t think Maria would be okay at all. He thought Maria would hate herself her whole life, and there was very little anyone could do about it. He thought that because he felt it himself, just a little, and his heart ached with the weight of it.

 

But he knew Rafael was only trying to help, so he nodded, and he smiled, and he gave Rafael’s hand a squeeze.

 

They sat in silence for what felt like ages, just holding hands, Sonny listening to Rafael’s breathing to remind him to do the same.

 

“Liv told me about your idea.” Sonny tilted his head in question. “About you wanting to act as a honey trap, of sorts, to lure this guy in.” Sonny nodded.

 

“I don’t like it,” Rafael said with a frown, not looking at Sonny anymore. He gave Sonny’s hand a firm squeeze. “But I can have it approved. I just need to know you’re going to be okay.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“This case is affecting you. You’re too close to it. The others seem to think you’re fine, but--” Rafael broke off with a sigh, turning to look at Sonny again. “I need to know you’ll be okay.”

 

Sonny swallowed.

 

“Someone else can do it, it doesn’t have to be you.”

 

“Yeah it does,” Sonny said quietly, and Rafael just nodded, letting go of his hand.

 

“I thought as much.”

 

He sounded sad, and Sonny couldn’t work out why.

 

“I’ll be fine. I’ll get him.”

 

“I don’t doubt you,” Rafael said with a small smile, pushing himself up off the floor.

 

Sonny pushed himself up, too, dusting his pants off with a deep, shaky sigh.

 

“I’ll get it approved, then. Go tell Liv you’ve got the green light.”

 

Rafael left before Sonny could even thank him.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is very emotionally heavy. I think that disclaimer can be used for pretty much every chapter, but this one more than most. This chapter contains sexual assault and reference to the last chapters attempted suicide.
> 
> Thanks, as always, to booyahkendell, my ever patient beta.
> 
> And thanks again to everyone for leaving such beautiful, encouraging comments. I honestly can't thank you enough.

Sonny was nervous. In fact, nervous was an understatement. His stomach was doing somersaults and it was making it hard to keep drinking the soda he was nursing.

 

He kept scanning the crowd, hoping to see someone who looked suspicious, but everyone looked so normal, chatting with friends, drinking, laughing. If anything, he was the one who looked suspicious.

 

He was also heavily regretting suggesting  _ he _ be the one to be the bait. He’d spent the past few days engaging with the asexual group online, and he’d been to one meeting, and he honestly felt uncomfortable. Everything he said and did was for the case, and therefore had to be reported back to Liv. 

 

Which was fine, normally. Normally he would create a persona, come up with a background story, and treat it as an acting exercise. Even when it was tough, Sonny always enjoyed going undercover. It was thrilling to get to be someone else for a while.

 

But this -- this was not thrilling. Every piece of information he’d offered up had been personal and true, and when their perp came after him, he would be coming after Dominick “Sonny” Carisi, Jr., not some person Sonny had made up to play up to the perp’s tastes. When the perp came after Sonny, this time it would be personal, and he already felt sick at the thought.

 

“Go socialise. You’ve been sitting there for almost an hour,” Amanda piped up in his ear, making him jump a little.

 

“Carisi, Lincoln’s come in. He’s working with a sketch artist. His memory’s hazy, but he wanted to try and help,” Liv added.

 

“Hey, Sonny!”

 

He heard the words just as he’d been about to reply to the team, and turned to see the familiar face of Elliot.

 

“Carisi, who’s that?” Liv asked in his ear, but he ignored her, opting for addressing him in a way that would answer Liv without looking suss.

 

“Elliot! Wow, hi.”

 

“You look like you could use a friend,” Elliot said, taking the seat beside Sonny.

 

“Ah, I, erm…” He trailed off awkwardly, not really sure what to do.

 

Normally he would tell a friend he was working, but he didn’t want word to get around. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Elliot, because he did, more than he trusted a lot of people. It just didn’t sit right with him in that moment. But he couldn’t be distracted, either.

 

“I didn’t expect to run into you here, that’s for sure,” he added, as though Sonny hadn’t even needed to speak. “I mean, I tend to come to these for a hook-up.”

 

Elliot laughed, green eyes sparkling, and Sonny was struck by the fact that they were almost the exact same shade as Rafael’s. 

 

“I see you’ve got your ace badge on, though. Good for you!”

 

He smiled warmly, and Sonny found himself smiling back, comforted by a familiar presence.

 

“Carisi, just make sure you stay focussed.”

 

“You don’t have to sit with me, you know,” Sonny said with a self-deprecating laugh.

 

“Nah, I want to.”

 

Elliot kept talking to Sonny, not seeming to notice he was barely listening. He caught snippets, something about their parents, something about a potential boyfriend, but really, Sonny was just keeping his eyes out for anyone that could be their guy.

 

“I’m gonna go get another drink, you want one?” Sonny offered, standing up.

 

“Sure, just a beer, if you don’t mind?”

 

“I’ll be back in a moment,” he said with a nod, heading to the bar.

 

“Good. Keep circulating. See if anyone takes an interest in you,” Liv said in his ear.

 

“I’ve gotta go back with the drink eventually,” he muttered under his breath before flashing the bartender his most charming smile. “One beer and one cola, please.”

 

“Let me pay for those,” a man’s voice came from behind him, and Sonny turned to find a large man crowding him against the bar.

 

“Oh, erm…”

 

“Please. It’d be my pleasure.”

 

“I’m kind of…It’s a drink for me and a friend.”

 

“You seeing this friend?”

 

“Um, no, just a friend,” Sonny replied, tapping the badge on his chest.

 

To his surprise, the man laughed, handing over a few bills to the bartender when he came back with Sonny’s drinks.

 

“Asexual doesn’t mean you're single, sweetheart. I’m Lucas, by the way,” he said, extending a hand.

 

“Sonny,” he replied as they shook hands.

 

“Cute name. So, can I steal you away from your friend?”

 

“Well, it depends what you have in mind,” he said with a smirk, using every bit of false confidence he could muster to flirt instead of hide.

 

Normally flirting was easy. Arguably the easiest part of going undercover. Sonny knew that his natural, bright smile, and open expression were instantly welcoming. He knew he could be charming, and he knew that his ability to talk about anything and everything often worked in his favour. He knew he was likeable, bubbly, and, apparently,  _ cute _ . 

 

All of that was fine when he was using it to get information or pretending to be someone else. But right now, the thought of turning that charm on to lure someone who was specifically after him made his skin crawl.

 

Sonny felt himself shrink back a little as Lucas reached out to brush his cheek. The gesture was far too intimate, but Lucas also didn’t fit the vague descriptions they’d received from the first two victims. His eyes were definitely blue, not green, and his nose was perfectly straight. And he was leaning in far too close for Sonny’s liking.

 

“Sonny, everything okay?” Amanda asked in his ear, sounding concerned, and he realised he was breathing quite heavily.

 

“He bothering you?” Elliot asked from beside him, saving him from having to think of a way to let Amanda know he was fine. (Really, the camera pinned to his lapel wasn’t much help at all up close.)

 

“No, no it’s fine,” Sonny said quietly, handing Elliot his drink as he slid along the bar and around Lucas. “It was lovely to meet you, Lucas. Thanks for the drinks.”

 

He made sure to flash his best apologetic smile, gesturing toward Elliot with a what-can-you-do kind of look.

 

“Carisi, the sketch is coming through to you now. Might be best to go somewhere no one can look over your shoulder,” Liv instructed.

 

“Hey, mind my drink while I go to the bathroom?” Sonny asked, before slipping out the door and down the hall to the toilets.

 

He pulled his phone out on the way, opening the message once he was inside the bathroom. 

 

When the image opened, he felt a cold sense of dread wash over him as his heart started hammering in his chest. He was vaguely aware of both Liv and Amanda saying something in his ear, but they sounded too far away. 

 

“No,” he whispered, jumping as the door to the bathroom swung open.

 

“Finally, some alone time,” Elliot said with a grin as be moved towards Sonny.

 

“You…” 

 

It wasn’t that Sonny didn’t believe it. It was that he didn’t want to believe it. He didn’t want to believe that he could be such a poor judge of character that he’d willingly befriended and spent time with a rapist. He didn’t want to believe that a guy from Staten Island whose parents were friends with his parents could be a rapist.

 

Sonny didn’t want to believe that someone he had chosen to trust from the first moment they met could be so vile.

 

“Let me help you,” Elliot whispered, and Sonny hadn’t realised he’d come so close.

 

He backed away, but there wasn’t really anywhere to go. Elliot was with him for every step until his back hit the cold tiles at the far end of the bathroom.

 

“Carisi?”

 

“Wait,” he said, partially to Liv and Amanda, and partially to Elliot.

 

He needed Elliot to say or do something more incriminating than crowding him in a bathroom, but the thought made him feel sick.

 

“Let me help you,” Elliot repeated, moving in to kiss Sonny.

 

“Help me?” He spat as he turned his head away from the kiss. “Like you helped Lincoln, and Lilly, and Andrew, and--”

 

“Yes. Like I helped them. You know you want me. You’re just scared. I can cure you.”

 

“You actually believe that?”

 

Sonny felt tears spring to his eyes, and he tried to will them to go away.

 

“Come on, Sonny. You don’t  _ actually _ believe asexuality is normal, do you? You see sex every day in your job! It’s a primal instinct!”

 

“The things I see in my job shouldn’t be used as an example of what’s right.”

 

“Perhaps not,” Elliot said with a shrug, like it didn’t really matter either way. “But you know I’m right.”

 

“No…what…Maria tried to  _ kill herself _ because of what you did to her,” Sonny half-shouted, his voice wavering.

 

Elliot gripped Sonny’s jaw in one hand, the other hand reaching down to unzip Sonny’s pants. He wanted to move, wanted to stop what was happening, but he was frozen. He could hear Liv and Amanda talking to him, but he couldn’t seem to make out the words.

 

“Maria tried to kill herself,” Elliot started, as he took Sonny’s hand, pressing a gentle kiss below his earlobe. “Because she hates herself.

 

“Maria was a sweet thing. She was the only one out of the lot of them who wanted to please me. She did everything I asked, everything I wanted. She believed I could help her.”

 

Sonny had his cheek pressed against the tiles behind him as he tried to move his face away from Elliot. He squeezed his eyes shut, listening to the blood roar in his ears as he felt the growing hardness in Elliot’s underwear beneath his hand. 

 

He wanted to fight as Elliot turned him around, but his limbs wouldn’t cooperate. He was bigger than Elliot, stronger than Elliot, and more sober than Elliot. He knew he could fight, but he couldn’t seem to make his limbs work.

 

He tasted bile on the back of his throat as Elliot pressed up against him, the only thing between them being the thin fabric of Sonny’s underwear.

 

“Raf,” he whimpered, eyes screwed shut.

 

And suddenly there was too much sound, cool air hitting the back of his legs. His breathing was coming in short, sharp intakes and his head was spinning. Hands were on him, words in his ear, and he pushed blindly at them. All he could hear was his heartbeat, so loud and strong.

 

_ Thump thump. _

 

_ Thump thump. _

 

_ Thump thump. _

 

“Carisi,” Liv’s voice cut through, and there she was, right next to him as Amanda, Fin, and two uniforms escorted Elliot out in handcuffs. “I need you to help me out here, okay?”

 

Sonny looked down and realised his pants were halfway up, Liv’s hands holding onto them as she tried to hold him up  _ and  _ re-dress him, and he felt an overwhelming sense of shame fill him.

 

He grabbed hold of his pants, quickly zipping them back up before sliding down the wall a little, Liv’s arms still half-supporting him.

 

“You’re okay,” she whispered in his ear, holding him close to her, and he shamelessly buried his face in her neck as hot tears spilled down his cheeks. “You’re okay.”

 

—

 

Sonny couldn’t sit still as he waited for Liv in her office. He kept standing, pacing, sitting back down, picking up things on Liv’s desk to look at, pulling his phone out only to put it away again when his lock screen still showed a message alert from Elliot.

 

He was fiddling with Liv’s pens when she entered her office, and he managed to knock them over completely in his haste to put them back.

 

“Sorry,” he muttered, bending down to collect them off the floor.

 

His hands felt clumsy, shaky, and he couldn’t seem to keep them all in his hands. He could feel himself growing frustrated as he shoved them back in their holder.

 

“Sorry,” he muttered again, but Liv just waited patiently while he made sure he was satisfied with the way the pens were arranged.

 

He rubbed his clammy hands on his pants before sitting down again, crossing his arms over his chest before making a conscious effort to appear relaxed.

 

“So, ah, what do I gotta say?”

 

“Walk me through what happened?”

 

“You know what happened.”

 

“The video is mostly obscured and the audio, while damning for Elliot, doesn’t tell us what happened in that bathroom.”

 

Sonny winced, crossing one arm across his chest, picking at the fabric of his cuffs.

 

“Can you walk me through what happened?”

 

“I went into the bathroom to look at the photo. I kind of…It took me a while to process, I guess. I was shocked -- horrified -- to see what was essentially Elliot’s face staring back at me.”

 

“Because you were friends.”

 

“Because…” Sonny paused and then nodded jerkily. “I thought so, yeah.” 

 

He hated the way his voice shook.

 

“Why didn’t you communicate that to us?”

 

“It didn’t occur to me…I guess…I was shocked? I dunno. And then he was just  _ there _ and he seemed so sure that he was  _ right _ .”

 

Sonny swallowed hard, looking away as Liv smiled encouragingly, nodding along with what he was saying.

 

“I dunno, Lieu. I just froze. I could have --  _ should have _ \-- detained him. But I just froze. And he was getting closer and I just  _ froze. _ ” His voice was properly shaking now, and he swiped a hand over his face -- anything to not have to look at her.

 

“It’s natural, Sonny. Everyone speaks in terms of fight or flight, but you’ve been working SVU long enough to know there’s a third, more common response -- freeze.”

 

Sonny nodded. He knew that. It didn’t matter that he knew that. He couldn’t stop thinking of everything he could have said, could have done. He felt separate from the victims they dealt with. The victims whose cases they worked were small, were vulnerable, were often dependent on their abusers or scared for their lives. Sonny was none of those things. He was a cop, he was strong, he made a living of taking charge, of overpowering people, of being in control. He should know better.

 

“Sonny?” Liv asked, eyes soft and gentle as she leaned in towards him.

 

“Sorry, um…I froze, and he…He pulled our pants down. Teasing me. He didn’t  _ do _ anything. He just kinda…pressed himself up against me. But, um, I guess you guys came in before he could go any further. I dunno. I can’t really remember?”

 

He posed it as a question because he really couldn’t remember. He couldn’t remember what he’d been thinking or what Elliot had been saying. He had no sense of how much or how little time had passed. All he knew was that he couldn’t move, and then suddenly, Liv was there, holding him.

 

“That’s normal, too, Sonny,” she reminded him and he nodded. “Can you tell me how you know Elliot?”

 

“Um. My mom tried to set me up with him,” he said with a dry laugh. “Mom goes to church with his family. He’s just moved back to Staten Island from Miami. He…I trusted him, y’know? He seemed nice.”

 

Sonny winced at the way his voice steadily sounded more strangled, and he pinched the bridge of his nose, fighting back the urge to cry.

 

“Some detective I am. Couldn’t even see what was right in front of me,” he whispered with a laugh completely devoid of humour.

 

“Sonny,” Liv said with a sigh, moving to sit next to him. “That’s not how it works.”

 

“I know,” he said quietly, giving her what he hoped was a convincing smile. “Still hurts though.”

 

She hummed in agreeance, patting his arm lightly as she stood up.

 

“You’re on mandatory leave until a psychiatrist clears you,” she said softly, and he stood up quickly.

 

“No. Lieu, I’m fine. It’s fine. I’m--”

 

“It’s okay to not be fine. You--”

 

“He didn’t do anything to me,” Sonny half-shouted, before adding quietly. “I’m fine.”

 

“It’s protocol, Carisi.”

 

He stared her down for a moment before sighing, slumping a little in defeat. He knew she was right. He hated it, but he knew he couldn’t argue.

 

She patted his shoulder again before opening the door. “Go home,” she said softly, and he nodded.

 

As he walked out, he could feel eyes on him, his face burning. He caught sight of Amanda and Fin’s concerned faces and forced himself not to look.

 

Sonny cried when he got home. 

 

Not right away. He showered, put on sweatpants and an old t-shirt, heated up some food, grabbed a beer, and sat down in front of the TV to eat. Mechanically. The food sat untouched, going cold. He still couldn’t look at his phone.

 

And then suddenly, he was crying. Not silently, calmly, like he sometimes did when a case hit him hard. He was crying hard, his breathing ragged and uneven, his face hot and his nose a running mess. He didn’t know where it came from and he couldn’t seem to stop it. He didn’t even know why he was crying. He just couldn’t stop.

 

It was like he was feeling everything at once, and far too much of it. He felt guilty for not being honest with his mother, with Amanda, with Rafael. He felt guilty for not doing more for Maria, too. And he felt her pain as deeply as if it were his own, and, on some level, it was his own. Because all the self-hatred he’d pushed to the side in relation to his sexuality had bubbled to the surface with this case, and was now overflowing in abundance.

 

He hated who he was, what it meant for his future. He hated that he’d never be satisfying as a partner, that there’d always be something missing from his relationships, if he could even have relationships in the first place. He hated that he’d always be holding something back from his partner. He hated that his partner would always more than likely resent him no matter how much they tried not to.

 

He hated that all he could see for his future was loneliness. It was the fear of being alone that made him hate what he was the most. And no matter how much he told other people they weren’t broken, that they weren’t damaged, that they weren’t alone, and no matter how much he meant it when he said it to other people, he just couldn’t seem to believe it about himself.

 

He was so scared of being alone, so scared of letting the people he loved down, and so scared to commit to something that he knew would eventually fall apart. Mostly, he was scared of Rafael resenting him. It was why he could never seem to make his mind up about what he wanted. He loved Rafael with everything he had, but he was so scared that it wouldn’t be enough once Rafael knew the truth.

 

He’d just managed to calm his breathing down when there was a knock at the door.

 

“Just a minute,” he called out on his way past the front door to the kitchen. 

 

He splashed some water on his face and patted it dry. He caught sight of himself in the mirror by the entranceway and sighed.

 

Sonny looked a mess and he knew it. His eyes were red and puffy, and his face was somewhat blotchy. He really, really didn’t want to answer the door.

 

When he finally did, Rafael was standing on the other side, pizza box in one hand and case of beer in the other.

 

“Goat cheese and sundried tomato,” Rafael said quietly, waggling the box. “It’s fine if you’ve already eaten.”

 

“That’s my favourite,” Sonny half-whispered, head tilting to the side a little as he looked at Rafael.

 

“That’s kind of the point,” Rafael said, matching Sonny’s near-whisper as a smile ghosted his lips.

 

Sonny felt the tears before he could stop them and he groaned, moving into the apartment more to be out of sight than to let Rafael in. He scrubbed furiously at his face, fresh waves of self-loathing rolling over him.

 

_ Pizza. I’m crying over pizza _ , he thought to himself, a rueful laugh bubbling up inside of him.

 

Rafael had followed Sonny inside, looking concerned, and hesitant, and just a little bit sad, and Sonny didn’t quite know what to do with him as he sat down on the lounge.

 

“Um…” Rafael started, standing awkwardly to the side of the lounge. “Sonny? I didn’t mean…Did I do something wrong?”

 

Sonny laughed again, swiping at his face before he looked at Rafael. He felt utterly ridiculous, and nothing about this situation seemed funny. Rafael looked so sad, and so concerned, and Sonny felt like he could cry just from that alone. It had been a  _ long day _ .

 

“No, you did nothing wrong. You’re perfect.”

 

“Then why…” he trailed off, gesturing awkwardly with full hands.

 

Sonny reached up and took the beer and pizza from him, setting both on the coffee table. He was smiling, but he knew it must have looked at odds with the mess that was his face. He didn’t feel _happy_ , but how could he not smile when Rafael remembered his favourite pizza, and showed up on his doorstep with said-pizza and beer, in what was clearly an attempt to cheer him up.

 

The smile slipped from his face, though, when he thought about why he needed cheering up in the first place.

 

“Sit down, Rafael,” he said quietly, grabbing a beer, but leaving the pizza box untouched. His untouched meal from before was still there, too, long since gone cold.

 

“You should eat something,” Rafael said, as he grabbed a slice of pizza for himself.

 

“‘M not really hungry,” he mumbled into the neck of his beer.

 

“And I’m not really a goat cheese person, but here we are.”

 

Sonny sighed and grabbed a slice of pizza for himself, if only to make Rafael happy. They sat in silence for a while, eating and drinking. Too silent. 

 

It gave Sonny time to study Rafael. To note every minute change in his facial expression as his brain worked silently. To think about what this meant, that he was here in Sonny’s apartment with two of his favourite things. To think about all the things he should say, but couldn’t say.

 

But worst of all, it gave him time to think about Elliot, and how similar their eyes were in colour, and Sonny quickly lost his appetite again.

 

“I’m not good at this,” Rafael said quietly, as Sonny set down his half-eaten second slice of pizza. “But you can talk to me. I’m here for you. If you want me to be.”

 

“I’m fine.”

 

“Please don’t lie to me.”

 

Sonny sighed, resting back against the lounge.

 

“I just feel stupid, I guess.”

 

“Why? Because you failed to see something no one else who knew him saw either?”

 

“But I’m a cop, Rafael. I should have--”

 

“No. That’s not how it works.”

 

Sonny closed his eyes against the prickling of fresh tears he felt, swallowing past the constricting of his throat.

 

“I feel guilty,” Sonny whispered shakily.

 

“What about?”

 

“So many things,” he said with a small laugh. “But right now? I feel guilty that I feel betrayed by the fact that someone I considered a friend would want to do that to me? I feel guilty making it about me when he raped five people. He ruined five lives and all I can think about is how he hurt  _ me _ .”

 

“That’s normal, that’s--”

 

“Selfish, Rafael. It’s selfish.”

 

“Sonny…”

 

Rafael paused, and the longer his pause dragged on, the more Sonny’s skin seemed to crawl, like he had an itch  _ inside _ himself that he couldn’t scratch, and he felt vaguely sick.

 

“What did he do to you?”

 

“Read my statement.”

 

“I have. And I’ve listened to the tape, but…”

 

“He didn’t do anything.”

 

“Sonny--”

 

“No. He didn’t. But he would have. He would have if he’d had the chance. And I’m so fucking lucky that the first time he’s had the opportunity was that night. Because I nearly had him at my apartment. Imagine that? Imagine what would have happened if he’d been here?”

 

At some point while speaking, Sonny had stood up, though he didn’t remember the action. He was half-pacing, picking at his cuffs, his skin, his hair; mindlessly fidgeting.

 

“I was useless. All that training, all the times I’ve overpowered perps, held my own, and I just froze. I couldn’t move. I could barely think straight. I couldn’t…I just stood there…He…I just…I can’t…”

 

“Sonny, stop,” Rafael said forcefully, taking both Sonny’s hands in his. “Stop.”

 

“But--”

 

“Stop.”

 

Sonny swallowed, staring into Rafael’s eyes. He was breathing hard and fast, and his chest felt tight, and he was so, so exhausted.

 

Underneath all his fear, and anger, and hatred, and guilt, Sonny was  _ exhausted _ . This case had run him into the ground, and he hadn’t quite realised.

 

“I’m so tired,” he whispered, allowing his head to drop to Rafael's shoulder as he was pulled into an awkward hug.

 

“I know,” Rafael whispered back, running his hand up and down Sonny’s back a few times before pulling back. “Do you want me to leave?”

 

Sonny shook his head.

 

“Pick a movie then,” Rafael said with a smile, settling back down on the lounge.

 

Sonny smiled slightly as he sat back down next to Rafael, turning Netflix on.

 

“What happened…None of it was your fault. I know that deep down you know that. But I’m saying it anyway. And I will keep saying it until you believe it,” Rafael said as Sonny flicked through the popular movies.

 

“Nothing happened.”

 

“Okay, but the hypotheticals are enough to scare me, so I’d be shocked if they didn’t scare you,” Rafael said quietly, and when Sonny looked at him, he found Rafael looking down, picking at some lint on his clothing as he continued. “But I don’t just mean to you. I mean all of them. None of it was your fault.”

 

Sonny said nothing. He just selected a movie and settled into the soft cushions of the lounge. Because it didn’t matter that he knew Rafael was right -- he couldn’t shake the feeling of blame. It clung to every inch of him, and it was suffocating.

 

But Rafael was here, and they had a movie on, and Sonny was grateful even though he felt wholly undeserving of Rafael’s kindness.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, hello, my knowledge of the American legal system and court proceedings is limited to what I've seen in shows like SVU. Feel free to point out anything in the wording of this that should be changed, and I can change it accordingly :)
> 
> Thanks, as always, to booyahkendell for putting up with me and being my beta. And to all of you, for reading and commenting.
> 
> (As some of you may have noticed, the total chapter count has gone up. I miscalculated because apparently I can't count)

Sonny sat in on arraignment. He’d specifically asked Liv for the morning off so he could go. He didn’t have his psych evaluation until later that afternoon so he wasn’t needed at work at all.

 

He could tell from the glance that Rafael had given him that he thought him being there was a bad idea, but Sonny pretended not to notice.

 

When Elliot was brought in, Sonny’s breath caught in his throat. He looked rough even in his pristine suit, and Sonny forced himself to maintain eye contact when Elliot looked at him. His stomach turned when Elliot smiled, hands clenching involuntarily against the wood of the seat beneath him.

 

“The defendant stands accused of five counts of rape in the first degree and one count of attempted rape. How do you plea?”

 

“Not guilty, your honour.”

 

Sonny was relieved it was Buchanan speaking on his behalf. He wasn’t quite sure he could handle those words from Elliot’s mouth right now.

 

“Mr. Barba, what say you on bail?”

 

“Remand, your honour. Mr. Potello has not only raped five people--”

 

“Allegedly,” Buchanan cut in.

 

“--and attempted to rape a  _ police officer- _ -”

 

“Allegedly,” Buchanan cut in again, earning a warning stare from Judge Barth as well as an icy glare from Rafael.

 

“These are blatant hate crimes and he’s a danger to the public.”

 

“Are you adding hate crime to the charges, Mr. Barba?” Judge Barth asked.

 

“No, but--”

 

“Then don’t bring it up. Mr Buchanan?”

 

“My client is innocent, your honour. He was baited by the NYPD and has been targeted by them in their desperation to close their case. We request ROR.”

 

Sonny bit down hard on his tongue to stop himself from saying anything. He could taste blood as he stared at the back of Rafael’s head. Buchanan’s -- and by extension, Elliot’s -- claims made his blood boil, but he was far more preoccupied with the fact that Rafael  _ wasn’t _ trying the case as a hate crime.

 

He barely registered the ensuing bickering between Buchanan and Rafael. He barely registered the emotion in Rafael’s voice as he reined himself in. He was seething. All he could focus on was the sound of his heart beating loud in his ear a little out of time with his shallow breaths.

 

The bang of the gavel as Elliot’s bail was set brought him back to reality, and he saw Rafael walking towards him. He stood up, making a beeline for the exit before Rafael could get there, but people were filing in and out, cutting in front of him, and before he got to the door, Rafael had a hand on him.

 

“Don’t touch me,” he hissed, and the wounded look Rafael gave him was like a punch in the gut.

 

Sonny slipped out the door and down the corridor, but Rafael quickly caught up with him again.

 

“Hey. What’s going on?”

 

“‘What’s going on?’ Rafael, if ever there was a time to add a hate crime charge--”

 

“Sonny--”

 

“No! Fuck. Just...I can’t look at you right now.”

 

“Sonny,” Rafael’s voice wavered, and Sonny cursed himself internally. “Come with me. Please.” Rafael was beckoning Sonny over to a small room, and he knew right away he’d give in.

 

“Five counts of rape plus the attempted rape of a police officer…” Rafael’s voice broke, just slightly, before he trailed off, and Sonny physically flinched. “Whether or not it’s a hate crime won’t matter. He will serve his sentences consecutively if found guilty, and I will make sure he’s found guilty.”

 

“It matters  _ to me _ . It will matter to the victims, too. How can you say it doesn’t matter?”

 

Sonny swallowed hard, fighting the prickling in his eyes. A distant part of him knew he was overreacting, but he couldn’t help it. How could Rafael not see how important this was?

 

“I can’t trust a jury to understand.”

 

“Maybe it’s because  _ you _ don’t understand,” Sonny hissed, and there was the truth, the reason this hurt so much.

 

Rafael’s failure to acknowledge these rapes as a hate crime in court felt like a failure to acknowledge them as a hate crime at all. And if they weren’t a hate crime, then it meant that no minority was being targeted, which was a denial of who and what he and the other victims were and why they were singled out.

 

It felt like a public dismissal of his sexuality, and as much as he struggled with claiming his sexuality as part of his identity, as much as he still hated that that’s what he was, as much as he wished he could change, the outright dismissal was a confirmation of his every fear.

 

He could already feel himself spiralling. It felt like the perfect world he’d created for himself over the past year -- the world in which his sexuality was a minor part in the grand scheme of his life -- was crumbling around him, and Rafael had just kicked down the last piece.

 

He’d been holding onto a tiny bit of hope that Rafael would understand and that maybe they could actually pursue something together, and that had just been taken from him. The harsh reality of it was suffocating. He hadn’t realised just how much that piece of hope in the back of his mind had been holding the rest of him together.

 

“I’m not saying asexuality doesn’t exist. And I’m not saying these people weren’t targeted for that. I’m saying that I don’t trust twelve random members of the public to comprehend it and to not let their ignorance get in the way of the truth.”

 

“Just stop, okay?” Sonny muttered, vision blurring with unshed tears. “I don’t need excuses. I don’t…I just need you to leave me alone.”

 

He slipped back out the door before Rafael could stop him and he didn’t look back.

 

—

 

Sonny’s mind was racing with all the things he should and shouldn’t say as he sat across from his therapist. He’d spent his night allowing Rafael to distract him with beer and movies, and his morning was spent in such an emotional state that he hadn’t had as much time to prepare as he’d thought he would.

 

“Sonny. It’s been a while,” Dr. Pearson said gently, and he was reminded of why he’d liked her so much.

 

“Yeah, well…” he trailed off with a small shrug, offering her a smile.

 

“How have you been?”

 

He opened his mouth to speak, a vaguely prepared speech about how great he was right on the tip of his tongue. But something about being asked by someone who he could not only be honest with, but could actually help him, made him hesitate.

 

Dr. Pearson just sat patiently, not pushing, as Sonny thought about his answer. He was scared that being honest would mean he couldn’t return to work right away, and he felt like he needed that more than anything else at the moment. But he was also scared that if he pretended everything was fine, eventually he would burst. He was aware that, technically, he kind of already had.

 

“Not great,” he admitted quietly, not quite meeting her eyes. “This case, um…brought up a lot of stuff.”

 

“I’m not surprised. Can we start with what happened last night, or--”

 

“Last night was the icing on the cake,” he said with a hollow laugh. “Seriously last night…”

 

Sonny sighed, trying to collect his thoughts. The previous night wasn’t  _ fine _ , but it wasn’t as bad as everyone seemed to think, either. Not for the reasons everyone thought, anyway.

 

“Look…I’m here ‘cause I coulda been raped. I get that. That’s…that’s kinda scary when I think about it. And I was so scared, even though I knew the squad wouldn’t let anything happen to me. It was like I forgot they were listening in in that moment. But that’s not…The bit that fucked me up was that I thought he was my  _ friend _ .

 

“I’d spent time with him, got to know him, told him things you don’t just tell anyone.” Sonny sighed and shook his head.

 

“You know, we went and got drinks after I’d been with Maria, the third victim, in the hospital. He had this bruise just under his ear. Fresh. Still colouring. He told me it was a ‘bad date’. I even offered to speak to the guy who did it, warn him about domestic violence, something like that.

 

“The night Lincoln, the last victim, was attacked, I reached out to him. He didn’t respond for ages. He fucking consoled me over how the case was making me feel. He’d just come from raping this guy, and he was comforting me via text. How messed up is that? He even offered to come over because he was ‘in the area’.”

 

“To go with the cliche’d therapist line, how does that make you feel?” She asked once she was sure Sonny had stopped speaking.

 

He huffed out a small laugh, picking at the cuff of his shirt.

 

“Makes me feel useless. As a detective. Like I failed every single one of his victims. I can’t be very good at my job if I befriend a rapist, can I?”

 

“You didn’t know he was a rapist.”

 

“But I should have.”

 

“Why? Why does that fall on your shoulders?”

 

“Because it’s my  _ job _ .”

 

“Your job is to follow leads, investigate, find suspects based on evidence. It’s not your job to read minds.”

 

Sonny sighed heavily, running a hand through his hair before turning to tapping his fingers against his knee.

 

“I should have noticed.”

 

“He didn’t want you to notice, Sonny. People like that…they con everyone around them into seeing what they want you to see. It doesn’t make you a bad detective.”

 

“It’s gonna take me a while to believe that,” he said with a small laugh.

 

“Work on it. It won’t happen right away. But remind yourself of it every time you catch yourself thinking negatively. Change the language you use internally. Correct yourself. It has to be a conscious effort, but it will help.”

 

Sonny nodded a little, biting his lip. It felt like he’d just scratched the surface, but digging deeper, talking about his sexuality openly and as more than just a ‘by-the-way’  felt like too much.

 

“I’m…” his voice broke and he gripped the cushion of the lounge chair. “I just really fucking hate myself right now, you know?”

 

He laughed, and he was aware it sounded very much like a sob.

 

“Why?”

 

“Because what’s the actual fucking point of me if I’m gonna be alone forever?”

 

“Why do you think you will be alone forever?”

 

“Because who’d want me?” He half-shouted, before adding quietly, “Who’d want someone who can’t offer them one of the key parts of a relationship?”

 

“Sonny--”

 

“Don’t. Don’t try and tell me I’ll find someone, or the right person will understand, or any of that bullshit. ‘Cause all I’ve seen through the duration of this trial is disbelief and a lack of understanding. From the people I work with, from people I consider friends, from the person I--” Sonny cut himself off abruptly with a heavy sigh.

 

“Sonny?”

 

“Rafael. Again. Always. It always comes back to him.”

 

“You said things were getting better last time we spoke. What changed?”

 

“Nothing  _ changed _ . I kept trying to just let myself be with him, spend time with him, relax around him, even though…He won’t want me once he knows.”

 

“You haven’t given him a chance to make that choice.”

 

“He practically dismissed asexuality this morning.”

 

“What did he say?”

 

“He said it didn’t matter that these rapes were hate crimes. He didn’t want…He thought it would confuse a jury.”

 

“He may be right,” Dr. Pearson said gently. “It doesn’t make it less hurtful to you, but it also doesn’t mean he’s dismissing you intentionally. Sonny, you haven’t even told him yet.”

 

“What if I tell him and whatever we have stops?”

 

“I can’t tell you what to do and when to do it. That’s completely up to you. And I can’t tell you it will all work out perfectly. But it might help to try and see things from his point of view. He’s not thinking about how this affects you. He’s thinking about doing the best he can for  _ all _ the victims.”

 

Sonny nodded. The fight left him as he realised she was right, and he sighed, resting back into the chair.

 

“I have to ask how you feel about last night. That must have been hard to have a friend try to hurt you.”

 

“Yeah,” he said softly. “It hurt. I’ve never felt so…so small in my life. I’m bigger than him, and yet I couldn’t do anything. And when I felt him press against me…”

 

He shuddered involuntarily, drawing in a sharp breath before adding, “But it’s…That’s nothing compared to all the other shit in my head, y’know? It could have been so much worse and I got really lucky.”

 

Dr. Pearson nodded, making a few notes, and Sonny felt his stomach flip with dread. He’d said too much, been too emotional. There was no way he was being cleared for work now.

 

“I’m clearing you for work,” she said quietly. “I don’t believe you’ve been affected in a way that will impair your ability to do your job. Your reaction is normal. I’m not worried in relation to your assault. But I would like you to continue seeing me. Can you come back in a week for a full hour appointment? We can go over everything in more detail.”

 

“You’re…clearing me?” Sonny asked, her words barely sinking in.

 

“Yes. Unless you think I shouldn’t?”

 

“No, I just…I thought…I’m a mess,” he said with a small laugh.

 

“I’d have been more worried if you came in here and told me everything was great,” she said with a small smile. “As soon as I received the request from your Lieutenant, I knew this would have been tough on you. But I don’t believe that the things you’re dealing with will affect your job, and at the moment, I trust you to remove yourself if that changes.”

 

He nodded as he stood up, giving her a genuine smile -- the first he’d felt on his face in days.

 

“Thank you.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cheeky double chapter week.
> 
> There's some tough times ahead, as always. Communication is key, guys.
> 
> Thanks, as always, to booyahkendell for dealing with my terrible grammar and making my writing legible for you all.

Sonny knocked hesitantly on Rafael’s office door. It was late, but he knew Rafael would still be working.

 

“Come in.”

 

“Really? I could be anyone,” Sonny teased as he opened the door, dumping the container of take-out he’d brought with him on the table so he could remove his coat.

 

“Yes, I’m sure my would-be murderer would knock first,” Rafael deadpanned, not looking up from his paperwork.

 

“Still,” Sonny said with a slight shrug. “I brought food.”

 

Rafael looked up at that, glancing at the take-out containers before jotting down a few more notes in the margin of the page he was reading.

 

Sonny felt his stomach sink at the realisation that Rafael was angry with him. He couldn’t remember Rafael ever being angry with him. Short and snippy in the early days, sure. But even when Sonny had been truly awful, Rafael had never held it against him. Was it simply one time too many?

 

“If that’s an apology, it’s not necessary,” Rafael said with a sigh, pushing his chair back to stand up while he gathered his papers together in a neat pile. “I should be the one apologising.”

 

“What? No. I was an ass.”

 

Rafael smirked at that as he leaned against his desk, now on Sonny’s side instead of his own.

 

“You were right to say I should be adding the hate crime charge to all five rapes as well as your assault. Because that’s what they were. And it’s my job to make a jury see that, not to hold back a charge to make it easier on them.”

 

“No, you were right. What if it confuses them? If I’ve learned anything from this case, it’s that people are quick to dismiss what they don’t understand.”

 

“I hope you don’t think I was doing that,” Rafael said quietly, his tone gentle but serious.

 

“No, Raf, I overreacted, I--” Sonny paused, realising Rafael’s eyes had gone wide, an almost pained expression on his face for a split second. “What?”

 

“What?”

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

Rafael stared at Sonny for a while, arms folded across his chest. Eventually he sighed, pushing off the desk to close the distance between them.

 

“You called me Raf.”

 

“Oh, God, I’m so sorry. That…I shouldn’t have assumed…I mean I didn’t…I just…”

 

“It’s fine,” Rafael cut Sonny’s stammering off, for which he was grateful. 

 

His green eyes were glistening, a little watery at the edges, and Sonny couldn’t quite understand why.

 

“Why are we talking about nicknames when there’s perfectly good food going cold?” Rafael joked, moving around Sonny before he could think of anything else to say.

 

“I hope Thai’s okay,” he said softly, settling down on the lounge next to Rafael.

 

They ate in silence, and Sonny wondered still if Rafael was mad at him. It was rare for them to be silent. He spent the time watching Rafael, trying to understand the expression on his face and the wetness in his eyes. He was sure he hadn’t imagined them, but it didn’t make sense.

 

“Stop thinking so hard. You might hurt yourself,” Rafael muttered as he popped the lid back on his container.

 

“Sorry.”

 

“Come on, since when have you ever apologised for being annoying?” There was a teasing edge to his voice that Sonny had missed. It felt like things had been too serious for too long between them.

 

“I just…Why did you react the way you did when I called you Raf? ‘Cause it won’t happen again. I swear. If it upset you--”

 

“Sonny,” Rafael started, turning to face him. “What do you remember from your assault?”

 

“What?” Sonny felt a shiver run down his spine.

 

“We're going to have to go over this for the trial anyway, when the time comes, but--”

 

“I thought you would have seen my statement by now? And heard the audio from that night?”

 

“I have.”

 

“So why are we discussing this now?”

 

“Because…” Rafael paused, looking down at their hands, which Sonny now realised were almost touching on the leather between them. “You called me Raf that night. I wasn’t sure, not until just before, but--”

 

“At my apartment?”

 

“No. Before.”

 

“But I didn’t see you before.”

 

Sonny was confused. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest as he tried to remember when he’d seen Rafael that night, but he was coming up empty. Something didn’t feel right.

 

“It doesn’t matter,” Rafael said suddenly, shifting away slightly, and Sonny grabbed his hand.

 

“It does. Because it’s bothering you, and I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about.”

 

Rafael looked up at Sonny through his lashes, and Sonny had to resist the urge to kiss him. Rafael looked so sad, and so uncertain, and Sonny had a strange feeling he was the cause, even though he didn’t know why.

 

“When he had you pressed between him and the wall,” Rafael swallowed thickly, squeezing Sonny’s hand while his other fist clenched, “You said ‘Raf’. I’d almost convinced myself I’d misheard you until you said it before.”

 

Sonny took a deep breath as a feeling of shame crept over him, his face heating up. He made to release Rafael’s hand, but Rafael only held on tighter, eyes glistening again as he stared at Sonny.

 

“You called out for me, and I wasn’t there,” Rafael whispered.

 

“Sorry,” Sonny said thickly, and Rafael shook his head.

 

“I wish I had been. I’m so sorry he got so close to you.”

 

“All part of the job,” he said with a strained laugh, tilting his head away.

 

“Why did you call for me?” 

 

The question sounded uncertain, like he’d not really meant to ask it, and Sonny felt like he was suddenly seeing a stripped back version of Rafael. A version that was far more vulnerable. Sonny didn’t quite know what he should do.

 

He suddenly felt like he should be offering comfort, which was absurd. Would the truth be any comfort? Would the fact that, although Sonny didn’t remember calling for Rafael, it would have been because Rafael made Sonny feel safe, and he was most definitely falling in love, be of any comfort? Or would it be too much? Too confronting? Too confusing after all that had gone on between them?

 

“I’m sorry, this isn’t about me,” Rafael said gruffly, moving away a little, and it was Sonny’s turn to stop him, one hand on his shoulder now, the other brushing his cheek before thinking better of it.

 

“You make me feel safe,” Sonny admitted quietly.

 

Sonny wasn’t sure who moved first, but suddenly Rafael’s lips were on his, hot and a little sloppy as he adjusted the angle. The kiss was warm, and soft, and everything Sonny had imagined it would be and more. He could taste a hint of peanut from the Pad Thai, and a mix of coffee and whiskey that was  _ so _ Rafael he nearly laughed. He hummed gently against Rafael’s lips, ready to pull away when Rafael’s tongue darted out against his lips.

 

The wetness of it made him open his mouth in surprise, and before he could do anything, Rafael was deepening the kiss, his tongue sliding against his own. For a brief moment it felt amazing, and Sonny groaned, returning the gesture a little clumsily. As Rafael gripped him, one hand sliding down his side, Sonny felt a flutter of panic blossom in his chest. He pulled back, gasping for air, and Rafael moved in again.

 

“No,” Sonny said, voice sounding strangled and panicked even to his own ears.

 

Rafael sat back, his tongue darting out across his own lips, brow pulled together in concern.

 

“I’ve gotta go,” he added, stumbling up off the lounge and towards the door, blindly reaching for his coat, eyes still glued to Rafael.

 

His heart pounded painfully in his chest at the open look of hurt on Rafael’s face as he made to stand up.

 

“I’m sorry,” Rafael said quietly, moving around the coffee table hesitantly. “I’m so…I thought--”

 

“I’ve gotta go,” Sonny breathed out as he slipped out the door, half-running to the elevator.

 

Once inside, his body heaved with dry sobs as he tried to reign his panic in. He knew he was overreacting. He knew Rafael wouldn't have done anything he didn’t want him to. He trusted Rafael. And yet he couldn’t stop the panic at the thought of him wanting more than just a kiss. 

 

He could still feel the way Rafael’s hand trailed down his side towards his belt, and he groaned, hitting his head a little too hard against the mirror in the lift.

 

It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Rafael to stop. It was that he didn’t know how to ask him to stop. Not without explaining. He was distantly aware of the fact that no one should ever need an excuse to say no to sex, but he also knew that eventually, a simple ‘no’ wouldn’t be enough.

 

—

 

“Carisi, a word?” Rafael muttered as he and Fin stepped out of the interrogation room.

 

Sonny physically flinched, his heart leaping into his throat. He hadn’t seen or spoken to Rafael in almost a week. He knew he owed him an apology, but every time he considered going to see him, the shame and guilt overwhelmed him.

 

“It’s cool, man,” Fin said with a nod, leaving Sonny no other choice but to follow Rafael into an empty room.

 

“Sonny…Carisi, I wanted to apologise properly for the way I behaved--”

 

“No, Rafael, you don’t--”

 

“Just let me? I clearly misread the situation. And what was worse was the timing. You’d just been assaulted and I should have known better.”

 

Rafael bit his lower lip as his voice wavered. Sonny opened his mouth to speak, but Rafael shot him a look that told him to be quiet, so he just nodded.

 

“I understand if you…I don’t want to put you in an uncomfortable position. If you feel it necessary to file a complaint, I completely understand. I don’t want to make this worse than it is.”

 

“No, Rafael, I’m not gonna do that,” Sonny said quietly, half-pleadingly.

 

Rafael sounded so upset, and the guilt was twisting in Sonny’s stomach, clawing its way up his chest.

 

“I wouldn’t blame you,” Rafael whispered, giving him a small, sad smile.

 

“No. Shit, Rafael. Seriously. You didn’t…You did nothing wrong. I promise.  _ I promise _ you did nothing wrong.”

 

Rafael took a deep, shaky breath before giving a small nod of his head.

 

“I’m sorry,” Sonny whispered as Rafael was halfway out the door. If he’d heard him, he gave no indication he had.

 

“Carisi. My office?” Liv asked as he left the room a couple of minutes later. The door closing behind him made him jump. “You okay?” 

 

“Not really,” Sonny breathed out, shaking his head.

 

Liv nodded once, giving him a tight-lipped smile.

 

“What’s going on?”

 

Sonny looked at Liv, really looked at her, and his heart leapt into his throat at the look she was giving him in return. It was the look she gave victims when they’d been through something horrible, and he now understood just  _ how _ she was so good at her job. It was a look that made him want to tell her everything.

 

But this was his boss. His Lieutenant. Everything he was dealing with was too personal to tell her. It was the kind of thing he should speak to Amanda about. Except he couldn't, because she’d already inadvertently dismissed him, and he couldn’t handle outright rejection right now.

 

He felt so fragile, like anything could set him off at any moment, and he’d be crying again. He felt like he’d spent too much time crying lately. He certainly didn’t want to cry in front of his boss.

 

“I’m not asking as your boss,” Liv said quietly, pulling a bottle of scotch and two glasses out from the bottom drawer of her desk. “I’m asking as your friend.”

 

She sat down on the lounge, and Sonny sat down with her. He watched as she poured them both a rather generous drink and took the glass she offered him, cradling it in his hands.

 

“You don’t have to talk to me, but I’m always here. I don’t always have to be your boss. Sometimes I can just be your friend.”

 

“Yeah, but you’re Rafael’s friend,” he mumbled, staring into his drink.

 

“And anything you tell me in confidence doesn’t make it back to him, no matter what,” she said quietly, bumping his shoulder with her own before taking a drink.

 

He sighed, taking a large mouthful that he almost choked on. It tasted like Rafael, and he felt guilt swirl in his stomach.

 

“I’m asexual,” he whispered, watching her for her reaction.

 

“I know,” she said with a small laugh. “I didn’t make Lieutenant for nothing.”

 

He huffed out a laugh and shook his head, running a hand through his hair.

 

“I fucked up, Liv. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.” His voice broke and he looked away from her. “God. You remember over a year ago, when you gave me those pamphlets on asexuality for ‘a friend’?” 

 

She nodded.

 

“Yeah, well, there was no friend. Just me.”

 

“I had a feeling.”

 

“I was such an ass then, and I’m being such an ass now. Rafael, he…we were kinda seeing each other. Early days. We hadn’t even discussed what it meant yet. And I was so worried about having sex with him when the time came. And then you gave me those pamphlets, and I saw it as the end, y’know? Like, well that’s it, I can’t be with anyone, can I? ‘Cause who’s gonna wanna be with someone and never sleep with them, right?

 

“So I just avoided him. Like a fucking coward. And some fucked up part of me was so angry at him. It wasn’t his fault, but I was so angry at myself -- I hated myself -- and I took it out on him. In public. In front of you guys. I never even apologised.

 

“And I saw this therapist, y’know, a while after Cole. I kept having these nightmares. I’d hear a car backfire, and briefly taste blood, right? And I was already so angry. And it was just getting worse. So I did something about it. And I realised how awful I’d been, and I made a pact to myself that I’d do better.

 

“And I tried, Liv. I really tried. And I thought I was fine. I honestly thought I’d come to terms with my asexuality. Funny thing about not enjoying sex -- it’s a very easy thing to ignore when you’re single. Until you ‘pick up where you left off’, so to speak, with the man you’ve had a crush on for the better part of four years.

 

“This case came just when things were feeling good. I just handled it badly. And now he thinks--”

 

Sonny broke off as his voice raised in pitch, a choked sort of sound stopping in his throat. He could feel his eyes growing wet, and he forced himself to take some deep, measured breaths.

 

“He thinks he assaulted me, or something. Just because we kissed, and I freaked out when he got a little handsy. He didn’t do anything wrong. Christ, Liv, you shoulda seen the look on his face. He deserves so much better than what I’ve given him.”

 

“He does,” Liv said gently after a moment. “But so do you.”

 

Sonny laughed, but there was no humour in it. He wiped at his eyes and downed the rest of the scotch in one hit, wincing at the burn.

 

“Sonny, you deserve love more than most people I know.”

 

“But who would want me?” He whispered, voice shaking.

 

“He’s been miserable for a while, now. Pining, one might say. He’s seemed in better spirits lately. Until now.”

 

Sonny groaned, reaching to pour himself another drink, but Liv’s hand stopped him.

 

“He cares about you. So much. He’s never said so, not to me. Not by name, anyway, but--”

 

“That’s why he deserves better.”

 

“He deserves to know what’s going on and to be able to make that choice on his own.”

 

Sonny shook his head, looking down at his hands. He knew she was right, but the thought seemed so daunting to him.

 

“Why are you so afraid to tell him?”

 

“Because imagining rejection hurts so much. I don’t think I could handle the real thing.”

 

He took a shuddering breath in when he felt Liv’s hands rest on his arm, gripping his bicep. He leaned towards her, allowing her to wrap an arm around his shoulders.

 

“Elliot was the first person I told who accepted me outright. And look how that turned out,” Sonny whispered.

 

“Technically, I was the first person you told who accepted you,” she said gently, and he could feel her smile against his hair.

 

He laughed weakly, feeling on the verge of tears for the nth time, as though the gentle, soothing motion of her hand running up and down his arm was coaxing it out of him.

 

“Do you trust him?” Sonny nodded. “Then trust him to not react poorly.”

 

“But Amanda--”

 

“Often speaks before she thinks.”

 

He laughed a little and nodded.

 

“How many times did you tell Maria she didn’t deserve what happened to her? How many times did you tell her she wasn’t broken? How many times did you tell her she was loved, and valid, and believed? Apply the same thinking to yourself.”

 

“Easier said than done.”

 

“I know. But try. And talk to Rafael. As I’m sure you’re aware, he’s a lot softer than people think.”

 

Sonny nodded, wiping at his eyes again as Liv let her arm drop from around his shoulders.

 

“Thanks, Lieu.”

 

“By the way,” she added, as he was almost out the door, “he’s filed a motion to charge all six charges as hate crimes.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usual thanks to booyahkendell for acting as beta, and for all of you for your lovely comments. It's honestly overwhelming, every time I post, the lovely things you all say. Thank you so much.

Sonny’s heart pounded in his chest as he approached Rafael’s apartment. He’d played this scenario out in his head so many times, sometimes convincing himself it would be fine, other times sending himself into a panic at the thought of what he stood to lose.

 

What had fixed his resolve was that he actually had nothing to lose. If he didn’t do this then he’d  _ already _ lost what felt like the most important thing in his life at that moment. Confirmation of that loss would hurt, but he’d be no worse off.

 

He brought his free hand up to knock, the other overflowing with grocery bags.

 

When Rafael answered the door, he froze, staring at Sonny with a look he couldn’t read.

 

“I’m not sure this is appropriate,” Rafael muttered eventually, eyes flicking to the grocery bags in Sonny’s hand.

 

“I wanted to cook for you. I wanted to apologise. I probably should have asked, but I was worried I’d over think it if it was actually planned.”

 

“What are you apologising for?”

 

“Can you just let me in? These are starting to get heavy.”

 

Rafael moved aside for Sonny to shuffle in and dump the shopping bags on the kitchen bench. He slipped his coat off, ready to hang it up by the door when he noticed Rafael’s expression. He looked confused, and just slightly annoyed.

 

“Sorry, um, I really didn’t think this through. I can go?”

 

“Why are you here?” Rafael asked forcefully, arms coming across his chest.

 

“Because I’m a total ass and I owe you an apology. And I’m better at cooking than communication,” he said with a small laugh.

 

“You’ve nothing to be sorry for. I’m sorry if I made you--” 

 

“No, Rafael, listen. If me being here isn’t okay, I can leave. But if you’re okay with it, please let me cook? I’m…It calms my nerves, alright? Otherwise, I would have brought take out. But I gotta do this right.”

 

Something in Rafael’s expression softened, and he nodded, moving to sit at the breakfast bar on the opposite side of the bench to Sonny’s groceries.

 

Sonny shot him a smile before hanging his coat up and toeing off his shoes.

 

“You have any food allergies? It’s just pasta. I’d normally make the pasta myself, but that takes time, so we’re stuck with store-bought. Hope that’s okay.”

 

“No allergies,” Rafael said quietly. “Chopping board’s in the top drawer over there. Knives are in the drawer next to it.”

 

Sonny spun around the kitchen, finding what he needed, his stomach doing somersaults the entire time. Cooking was easy, but he knew he had to talk, and he couldn’t seem to push away his fear.

 

“It’s my Nonna’s recipe,” Sonny explained as he began cutting up his ingredients. “I made the sauce myself. I always have a stock of it. So at least there’s something authentic here.”

 

He could feel his hands shaking as he diced the onion, heart pounding almost painfully in his chest. He took it slow, scared he was going to cut himself. If Rafael noticed, he didn’t comment, though he did pour them both a glass of wine once he saw it sitting on the bench next to Sonny’s shopping bags.

 

“Nonna always said a sure way to a man’s heart is through his stomach,” Sonny said with a laugh as he moved to the stove.

 

“Mmm, my Abuelita always said the same thing,” Rafael said quietly.

 

Sonny smiled a little, but it turned to a grimace as his hand slipped, hitting the exposed hotplate.

 

“Shit,” he muttered under his breath, moving to the sink to run his fingers under cool water.

 

Rafael was there in an instant, ice ready, taking Sonny’s trembling hands in his own to press the ice against the burn.

 

“You okay?” He asked quietly, taking a step back from Sonny, his brows pinched together in concern.

 

“Fine,” Sonny breathed out.

 

Rafael gave a small nod, moving back to his seat, but Sonny reached out to stop him, hand still trembling as he gripped Rafael’s arm.

 

“I wanna start by apologising for ever letting you think that I didn’t want you to kiss me. I did. I do.”

 

Rafael just stared at him, mouth hanging open slightly.

 

“I wanna apologise for running away on you that night over a year ago, and every stupid mistake I’ve made since then.”

 

“Sonny, you don’t have to--” 

 

“I do, Rafael. I really do. Because I keep hurting you. Over and over again, I make terrible choices that hurt you, and you deserve so much better than that. But for some stupid reason, you keep coming back to me.

 

“You’ve been so patient, so understanding. I don’t know how, or why, and I’m so sorry for constantly and consistently ruining it.”

 

Rafael’s eyes were wide, but soft. He looked awestruck, and Sonny nearly kissed him. Instead, he let go of Rafael’s arm and moved back to the stove to check on his cooking.

 

“So, um…Liv told me you decided to charge all six crimes as hate crimes?” Sonny asked, aiming for casual but knowing he sounded far too hopeful.

 

Rafael just hummed in confirmation. When Sonny chanced a look, Rafael was staring into his wine glass.

 

“What made you change your mind?”

 

“You did,” Rafael answered quickly, his eyes shooting up to stare at Sonny intently. “You were right. And it’s my job to highlight the larger issue. Which is that each of his victims were targeted specifically for being asexual. If they weren’t, he wouldn’t have given it a second thought.”

 

Sonny felt a shiver run down his spine, and he went back to stirring the sauce.

 

“I upset you, and I’m sorry for that,” Rafael said quietly.

 

“Nah, it’s fine. We’ve been over this.”

 

Sonny finished cooking in silence, and they ate in silence as well. He kept finding excuses not to really discuss what he came here to discuss. He had to focus on cooking, he didn’t want to ruin a good meal, but once they’d finished eating, he had run out of excuses.

 

As he was washing the dishes -- because he had insisted, for something else to keep him occupied -- Rafael came and stood beside him, leaning against the counter.

 

“I still don’t really understand why you’re here,” he said quietly, dipping his head in an attempt to catch Sonny’s eyes.

 

Sonny sighed, drying his hands on the towel before turning to look at Rafael. He didn’t know where to begin. He didn’t want to tell Rafael his life story, about his college girlfriend, and his conversation with Liv over a year ago, and he certainly didn’t want to talk about just how much he hated himself. Not with Rafael. But if he didn’t do any of that, where could he start?

 

Rafael was looking at him, face still pinched somewhat with concern, and Sonny was overcome with the overwhelming desire to kiss it away.

 

And so he did. He leaned in and he kissed Rafael. Softly, at first, in case Rafael wanted to pull back. As soon as he felt the other man’s lips moving against his, Sonny pushed forward, hand coming up to cup the back of Rafael’s head, thumb stroking his jawline.

 

After a moment, he pulled back, a small, shy smile on his face.

 

“Does that answer your question?” He asked quietly, vaguely aware that he hadn’t  _ actually _ done any explaining.

 

But Rafael just grabbed him again, kissing him intently as he lead him blindly through the kitchen and into the living room, pulling Sonny on top of him on the lounge.

 

Sonny kissed back hungrily, his throat constricting as tears threatened to escape. He didn’t deserve this. He didn’t deserve such open forgiveness, and yet here he was, on top of Rafael and kissing him, and he wasn’t scared.

 

Because they were just kissing, and Rafael’s hands were sliding up and down his back, and Sonny was running his hands through Rafael’s hair, and everything felt like it would be okay.

 

Until Rafael ground his hips upward, pressing their erections together with a hungry moan, and Sonny’s stomach fluttered uncomfortably. When Rafael did it again, their lips slipped apart, and Sonny could feel the wet heat of Rafael’s ragged breath on his chin, and he pulled away quickly, moving to a standing position so fast that his head spun.

 

Rafael looked dazed for a moment, his expression so sweet before it turned sour.

 

“Fuck,” Sonny whispered, gripping his own hair as he moved away from the lounge.

 

“Sonny, I’m sorry.”

 

“Can you just stop?” Sonny shouted, turning to face Rafael, chest heaving. “Stop apologising for being normal, okay?”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“You keep apologising. Every time this happens, you apologise. And you look so wounded. And it should be me apologising, not you.”

 

Sonny was pacing now, fidgeting, tugging at his shirt, his hair, unable to stand still. Rafael sat up slowly, and Sonny moved away a little more.

 

“I’m apologising because I keep making you uncomfortable,” Rafael said quietly, staring at the floor. “Because I don’t mean to. I really don’t mean to.”

 

“You shouldn’t have to! That…What just happened…That’s normal. That’s what people do. You like each other, you go on dates, you kiss, you make out, and one thing leads to another, and it’s  _ normal _ .”

 

“Only if that’s what both people want.”

 

“Isn’t that what both people normally want?” Sonny was still shouting, a stark comparison to Rafael's soft, even voice.

 

“You know as well as I do that’s not always the case.”

 

Sonny took a deep breath in. Then another. And another. But it felt like not enough air was reaching his lungs. His head was spinning and all he could think was how much he hated himself.

 

“You know I’d never do anything you didn’t want to do, don’t you?” Rafael asked, moving slowly towards Sonny.

 

“I know,” Sonny groaned, hanging his head.

 

“Then you know you can let me know when something makes you uncomfortable. Don’t you?”

 

Sonny shook his head a little, not trusting his voice.

 

“I want this to work. I’ve wanted this to work for so long. But you’ve got to talk to me,” Rafael whispered, reaching out to touch Sonny.

 

“I keep convincing myself this can work, until I’m with you, and then I panic, and I’m so sorry, Raf. I’m so sorry. I’m…You deserve someone who can give you all of them, and I can’t. I just can’t. I’m…I don’t like sex.”

 

Sonny’s voice was shaking, and he couldn’t look at Rafael. Not even as he gently took his hands and pulled him back down onto the lounge beside him. Not even as he tucked his hair back into place and stroked his cheek tenderly. Not even as the silence drew on between them.

 

“I’m asexual,” he whispered eventually, and Rafael breathed out a small laugh.

 

“I know. Well, I thought. It was either that, or you had been through something you weren’t ready to talk about. I’m glad it’s the former.”

 

“But--” 

 

“Stop. I questioned myself for so long. I resigned myself to the fact that you were just overly friendly and I had misinterpreted. Until there was no way that could be the case. And then we kissed in my office, and the way you reacted made me think that maybe I  _ had _ been wrong after all.

 

“It was Liv who told me it sounded like something else was going on. She doesn’t know it was you, by the way, but--” 

 

“Yes, she does,” Sonny cut him off with a wet laugh, finally meeting his eyes. “I kinda spilled my guts to her.”

 

Rafael laughed a little, shaking his head.

 

“In any case…She made me think of it in terms of what had happened between us instead of how I felt about what happened between us. This case, and your devastation over Elliot…I did wonder.”

 

“And yet you still kissed me?”

 

“If I recall correctly, you kissed me,” Rafael teased, then sighed, adding, “Although, perhaps it was a lapse in judgement. We should have had this discussion before kissing, not after.”

 

“I can go…now…if you want?”

 

“You really are stupid sometimes, you know that?” Rafael muttered, running his thumb across Sonny’s lips.

 

“Raf,” Sonny started, pulling away. “You deserve--” 

 

“I don’t care what you think I deserve,” he cut in, pulling Sonny closer again. “I  _ want  _ you.”

 

They kissed, gently, no tongues involved, and Sonny felt a few tears slip down his cheeks.

 

“I’m probably not gonna want to do more than kissing. Ever,” Sonny said quietly when their lips parted.

 

“You think I’m having sex regularly anyway?”

 

Sonny laughed, pulling back to look at Rafael properly, and Rafael sighed, swiping his thumb across the tear tracks on Sonny’s cheeks.

 

“We’ll work it out. I’ve spent every moment I’ve had with you since you started showing up at my office with food feeling grateful we’re at least friends again. I don’t need to have sex with you to love you.”

 

Sonny felt his breath hitch in his throat, and he kissed Rafael quickly, before the smile could drop from his face any further.

 

“I love you, too,” he whispered against Rafael’s lips.

 

“For the record, that’s not what I said,” Rafael muttered, pulling back a little to raise an eyebrow at Sonny.

 

“I’ll take it,” Sonny said with a small laugh, pulling Rafael in for another kiss. “And I’m sorry. I really am.”

 

“And we’ll discuss that later. But just be happy with me? For a moment?”

 

Sonny hummed in agreement, settling into Rafael.

 

“I don’t…What happens now?”

 

“What do you mean?” Rafael asked with a laugh.

 

“I’ve never done…this,” Sonny said, gesturing between them. “It’s always cute dates, and flirting, and it ends before…this.”

 

Rafael smiled softly, handing Sonny the remote.

 

“Pick a movie. That’s what happens next.”

 

“What?”

 

“Pick a movie.”

 

Sonny stared at him for a moment. He thought back to all the times he’d been with people in the past, where kissing had progressed, and he’d found excuses to get out of it. Never once had kissing moved on to watching a movie.

 

A smile spread across his face as relief flooded through him. He didn’t know what he’d been expecting. He’d worked himself up over the ‘what happens next’ so much that he hadn’t considered that it could be as simple as watching a movie.

 

“I hope you’re a fan of chick flicks.”

 

Rafael groaned, reaching over Sonny to take the remote back, which he held up high and away from Rafael.

 

“If you’re being serious, I may have to ask you to leave.”

 

“Come on, you can’t tell me you don’t love ‘How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days’.”

 

Rafael rolled his eyes, but didn’t actually complain when Sonny hit play. Sonny counted it as a major victory.

 

—

 

When Sonny woke up, it was to the feeling of Rafael’s hair tickling his nose as he breathed in. Rubbing his nose, he moved to sit up, but stopped when he realised Rafael had an arm across his stomach and his head resting in the crook of his neck, sleeping peacefully.

 

It was the most at peace Sonny had ever seen Rafael, and his chest tightened as pure emotion flooded him.

 

_ All this fighting, all that fear, and this was what I was putting off?  _ He thought to himself with a small huff of breath as he nestled back into the pillows.

 

“What’s funny?” Rafael mumbled against his skin, shifting a little.

 

“Nothin’.” He felt Rafael raise an eyebrow.  _ Little shit still manages to sass me when he’s barely awake _ , Sonny thought to himself before adding, “Just thinking how stupid I’ve been, running from this.”

 

“Mmm,” Rafael hummed, nuzzling against Sonny’s neck. “But then, what’s new?”

 

Sonny huffed another laugh, but it was cut short by the sweet kiss Rafael pressed against his neck. His breath hitched, and Rafael stiffened before raising his head to look at Sonny’s face.

 

“Sonny, if this--” 

 

“No, it’s fine. I just wasn’t expecting…” He trailed off, closing his eyes so he wouldn’t have to look at the earnest expression on Rafael’s face. “This is perfect,” he whispered.

 

“Then why won’t you look at me?” Rafael asked as he propped himself up on one elbow, removing all points of bodily contact.

 

Sonny rubbed at his eyes, feeling suddenly too emotional considering he’d just woken up, and turned to bury his head against Rafael, wrapping his arms around him.

 

Rafael melted into the touch, draping his arm over Sonny again so his hand was resting on his hip. He pressed a gentle kiss to the top of Sonny’s head, and Sonny returned the kiss against whatever part of Rafael’s skin his lips were touching -- he honestly wasn’t entirely sure.

 

“I know you think I can read minds, but you need to talk to me. You need to tell me what is and isn’t okay. Because I--” 

 

“This is perfect,” Sonny mumbled against Rafael, pulling back a little so he wouldn’t end up practically slobbering on him.

 

“We still need to talk,” Rafael said quietly, running a hand through Sonny’s hair, all the way down his spine to the waistband of his underwear.

 

Sonny shivered at the touch before pressing another kiss to what he now realised was Rafael’s shoulder. “Not now.”

 

“Okay,” Rafael said with a sigh, relaxing back next to Sonny.

 

Sonny knew they had to talk. They had to discuss all the ways Sonny had hurt Rafael. They had to air out his insecurities, and whatever insecurities he’d probably caused in Rafael, too. They had to discuss Sonny’s asexuality and what it meant to him and to their relationship. They had to discuss so much, and the thought of it was overwhelming.

 

“I can’t believe you’re here,” he whispered, looking up at Rafael once he trusted his own expression.

 

Rafael laughed, eyes softer than Sonny had ever seen them. “I can’t believe I’m here, either.”

 

Sonny felt a flicker of guilt at that, thinking back on all the times over the past few months that Rafael had seemed tense, and sad, and out of sorts. He wondered if he’d been the cause of all of that. Rafael must have seen it on his face, because he stroked Sonny’s cheek, kissed him tenderly, and whispered, “But here I am. So how about you make me breakfast?”

 

“I made you dinner!” Sonny objected, shoving Rafael gently.

 

“Mmm, but you did it so well.”

 

“Since when did you start complimenting me?”

 

“Don’t get used to it.”

 

Sonny rolled his eyes, but got up anyway, a bubble of happiness he’d long forgotten could exist sitting in his chest.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is relatively short, so sorry about that.
> 
> In saying that, everything has been edited and beta'd now, so I'll be posting the rest of the chapters daily :D I'm so excited (and terrified, absolutely terrified) to finally get all of this out to you guys.

Sonny felt like his heart was in his throat. He couldn’t physically make himself enter the courtroom.

 

He’d honestly started to think it would be better if someone else was trying this case. Surely it was a conflict of interest if the prosecutor was dating a nearly-victim. Surely Rafael should be handing the case over to someone else.

 

That would be easier.

 

It would be easier to sit in that courtroom with another ADA and tell them about Elliot and that night in the bathroom. It would be easier to sit there and be honest about how terrified he felt at the hands of someone he’d trusted.

 

He tried telling himself he’d already spoken about it with Rafael. He knew Rafael had listened to the audio and read his statement -- probably numerous times.

 

Still, this was hard.

 

He forced himself forward, into the courtroom, though his legs felt like jelly and his chest was tight.

 

“Hey,” he breathed out when he saw Rafael.

 

“Hey. You ready?” Rafael asked, gesturing toward the witness stand.

 

Sonny nodded. He wanted to lean in, kiss Rafael, distract him, change the topic. They’d spent almost no time together since that first night. They’d both been snowed under with work, working and sleeping odd hours, rarely crossing paths.

 

They’d texted. Sonny had even called Rafael a few times, just to hear his voice. One night, after a particularly bad day, Rafael came over and climbed into bed next to him. But Sonny was barely awake enough to consciously acknowledge Rafael’s presence and he’d had to leave too early in the morning to even bother waking him up to say goodbye.

 

Instead, Sonny went straight to his seat and sat down.

 

“Detective Carisi, can you explain to the jury how you know the defendant?” Rafael started, eyes locked on where the jury would be seated.

 

“I, erm…I met him at a family lunch. My parents, they go to church with his parents, and he was there. Uh--” 

 

“Carisi,” Rafael cut him off, gaze shifting to Sonny, though not quite meeting his eyes. “I need you to sound confident. You know the facts. Don’t hesitate when you answer.”

 

“Right. Sorry. I know that.”

 

Rafael cleared his throat. “Detective Carisi, can you explain to the jury how you know the defendant?”

 

“My parents go to church with his parents, and they invited him to lunch with us one Saturday.”

 

Rafael nodded, eyes back on the jury box.

 

“And you maintained a friendship?”

 

“We went out for drinks, texted occasionally. I thought we were friends, yeah.”

 

“Was this was while the crimes he is on trial for were being investigated?”

 

“Yes.” Sonny was aware his voice was shaking a little, though Rafael gave no indication he’d noticed.

 

“Was there any indication at all that the man you were looking for was your friend, the defendant?”

 

“They’re probably gonna object to that, Rafael,” Sonny said with a small smile, aiming for teasing.

 

“Perhaps. Don’t interrupt. You know how this goes.”

 

Sonny felt his face fall. Rafael still wouldn’t look at him.

 

“Was there any indication at all that the man you were looking for was your friend, the defendant?” Rafael repeated, and Sonny sighed.

 

“No. If I had  _ any _ suspicion, I would have said something to my Lieutenant.”

 

“Just answer with a simple no. Don’t give more information than is necessary.”

 

“I know how to testify, Barba. It's not exactly my first time,” he snapped, unable to help himself. Rafael’s shoulders tensed in response.

 

“Not like this you haven’t. I don’t tell you how to do your job, don’t--” 

 

“You try,” Sonny muttered with a roll of his eyes.

 

“ _ Don’t  _ try to tell me how to do mine.”

 

Sonny was about to snap back, but Rafael continued before he could.

 

“Can you describe the events of February seventeenth?”

 

Sonny nodded slowly, trying to collect his thoughts to give a straight, honest, clear recount. He’d been going over this so much in his head so he wouldn’t get any of it wrong, but the more he thought it over, the harder it seemed to get. The more he remembered just how scared and small he’d felt, the harder it seemed to talk about it.

 

Rafael was still refusing to look at him, and Sonny had the fleeting thought that maybe this was hard for him, too.

 

“Sonny?” Barba prompted quietly.

 

“I was going undercover. I had a camera on one of my buttons and I was wired with a microphone and earpiece. I’d made myself a target by signing up to and attending a group for asexual people, which is where we suspected his last three victims had been chosen…”

 

As Sonny retold the events of that night, he watched as Rafael clenched and unclenched his fists, looking at Sonny every now and again, but never meeting his eyes. He wanted to stop talking, to reach out and touch Rafael, ease the tension in his shoulders and his jaw. But he knew he had to get through this. He knew they’d have to go over this until it was perfect, solid, airtight.

 

“...He cornered me against the wall and undid both of our pants and pulled them down. He rubbed up against me while telling me about how he could fix me, how he could make me better, like he made the others better.

 

“He turned me around and pressed his erection up against my ass,” Sonny’s voice cracked, and Rafael looked him in the eyes for the first time, his anger obvious. “That’s when the others came in and arrested him.”

 

“Thank you,” Rafael whispered hoarsely, turning to walk back to his table.

 

“Raf,” Sonny whispered, voice only audible because of the silence in the empty room.

 

Rafael stopped, hands splayed out on the table, shoulders tight as he hunched over. Sonny could see the slight tremor in his arms, and his chest ached.

 

Slowly, he got up from the witness stand and made his way to Rafael. He reached out tentatively, placing one hand on Rafael’s shoulder. When Rafael didn’t react, he slid his hand down Rafael's back and snaked his arm around his waist, his other hand reaching for one of Rafael’s own as he pressed a kiss to the back of Rafael’s neck.

 

“You’re gonna have to work on schooling your emotions,” he whispered against Rafael’s ear, aiming for teasing to ease the tension.

 

He felt Rafael relax into his embrace a little, lifting both his hands from the table to hold Sonny’s own around him.

 

“I’m going to have to play the recording for the jury. I’ll cut it off before you say my name, but--” 

 

“I know.”

 

“Every time I listen, it gets harder, not easier,” Rafael admitted, closing his eyes. “I’ve never quite understood why victims refuse to testify before now.”

 

Sonny hummed softly, resting his chin on Rafael’s shoulder to press a kiss against his jaw.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m being selfish. This has nothing to do with me.”

 

“It does. It’s hard when someone you love gets hurt. Or even almost gets hurt. How do you think I felt when you were receiving death threats? Listening to Heredio talk made me so angry. Every time.”

 

Rafael huffed out an almost-laugh and turned his head to kiss Sonny gently on the lips.

 

“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry you have to relive that night over and over.”

 

“Nah. Don’t be. Look, it’s not easy, but the hardest part is admitting to someone I was weak.”

 

“You weren’t--” 

 

“No, I know,” Sonny cut him off. “But knowing that doesn’t matter. Having to stand there and talk about having another man in control of me, talking about how scared I was -- that’s harder than what actually happened. Dealing with that is harder than what he did, or could have done.”

 

“It’s the same thing.”

 

“What?”

 

Rafael sighed, moving around so he was fully facing Sonny, his hands loosely gripping Sonny’s waist.

 

“That fear, that sense of helplessness, that feeling of weakness…That’s the trauma. It’s not whether or not he raped you, or whether the feel of him…It’s not about that. It’s about the control he had over you. That’s the part that sticks with you.”

 

Sonny sighed, looking away from Rafael with a small nod of his head. He knew that. His therapist kept telling him that. He just couldn’t wrap his head around what he should and shouldn’t be feeling.

 

“Look at me,” Rafael said gently.

 

Sonny complied, and felt his lips twitch up in a smile when he saw the tenderness in Rafael’s eyes.

 

“We can continue another time. If you want?”

 

“Nah,” Sonny breathed out. “We’ll get cross out of the way. Brainstorm. Go over my answers. Make this whole mess worth it.”

 

Rafael smiled gently, giving Sonny’s hips a squeeze before letting go.

 

“But Raf?” Sonny asked, turning back around once he reached the witness stand. Rafael tilted his head in question. “Stop avoiding looking at me? I need you.”

 

Rafael’s expression softened again, and he nodded, turning to sit on the table.

 

They worked at it for hours, blurring the lines between their professional relationship and personal relationship far more often than they normally would for trial prep. They worked until they were both emotionally exhausted.

 

But it would be worth it. It had to be worth it. That's what Sonny kept telling himself.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much, as always, to my beautiful beta booyahkendell. And an extra thanks this time to keraunoscopia for double checking my courtroom language for this chapter.

Sonny’s heart was fluttering in his chest from the moment he woke up -- too early, and on not enough sleep -- and it hadn’t stopped since.

 

Liv had tried to get him to eat, but he couldn’t stomach much.

 

He kept telling himself he knew what he was doing. That it was no different to any other time he’d testified in court. Except it was completely different and he knew it. This time, he was the victim, and his relationship with the defendant would be called into question, and his sexuality would be out in the open.

He'd wanted to talk about the other witnesses and their testimonies, but he knew both Liv and Rafael couldn't go into much detail in case it was used against them. The last thing they needed was for this case to fall apart because one of their own was involved and they let their emotions get the better of them. So instead, he tried to distract himself, bury himself in work, anything to ignore the fact that the case -- his case -- was at trial and he couldn't witness how it was going.

 

He’d already agreed with Rafael that they would talk about the fact that the first time he’d met Elliot he’d told him he was asexual. They’d already agreed they’d use that meeting, and Elliot’s acceptance of him, to paint the picture of  _ why _ they were friends.

 

Sonny had told Rafael everything about Elliot, all the time they’d spent together and every conversation they’d had. They’d went over every detail to make sure there was nothing the defense could use against him. Of course, they’d find a way, they always did. But every potential threat to their case they planned to address in Sonny’s testimony before defense even had a chance to cross examine.

 

They’d gone over it so much, and Sonny still hated himself. It had been months, and Sonny still hated himself for everything. He never said it out loud. He knew if he did Rafael would tell him it wasn’t his fault. He already had, numerous times. And Sonny  _ knew _ it was true. But he still couldn’t stop it.

 

He’d stopped playing what if, imagining all the ways it could have gone further. He’d stopped dreaming about Elliot’s charming smile and the feel of him against Sonny’s back. None of it, though, could stop the self-loathing that coursed through his veins.

 

It had seeped into his bones. It was there to stay. His therapist kept trying to work with him on finding his triggers and analysing his thoughts from an outside perspective. She’d tried to get him to accept he’d had the unconscious thought, and to then consciously correct the thought. But it didn’t work.

 

He had felt guilty for not trying hard enough when, after months, it wasn’t working. She had tried different angles, different ways of thinking, but knowing he shouldn’t hate himself, remembering to love himself and look after himself didn't help. He still hated himself every day.

 

So eventually, he stopped going.

 

Rafael reminded him to love himself, too. He sometimes thought Rafael loved him enough for the both of them. That was enough, right?

 

And he loved Rafael. He loved Rafael with everything he had. He sometimes thought if he could love Rafael that much then it didn’t matter that he hated himself.

 

But Rafael’s love wouldn’t get him through his testimony. Rafael couldn’t literally, or even figuratively, hold his hand. Rafael had to call him ‘Detective Carisi’, ask him rehearsed questions, keep a professional distance, and only be soft if the situation warranted it. Rafael had to play the jury. Rafael had to do his job today, and Sonny wondered, briefly, if he would survive without Rafael’s love, even for one day.

 

He was grateful Liv drove him, even though he couldn’t manage the words. He knew she knew. He was grateful she stayed with him right until he had to take the stand, too. And he was most grateful when he locked eyes with her once he’d sat down, and she gave him a reassuring smile.

 

She’d been invaluable to him over the past months since the case had closed. She made sure she could be there when Rafael couldn’t. She invited him around to play with Noah under the pretense of a meal, she sent him home when he was over tired, and gave him overtime when he was keyed up. She organised more squad drinks and dinners than she ever had before, and he was almost certain that was for his benefit too.

 

She even hugged him once, when he hadn’t seen Rafael in days and he was dreading a dinner with his family that he would have once looked forward to.

 

At least his mother had stopped trying to set him up with people. He’d wanted to explain to her that he’d been sucked in by Elliot too. That it wasn’t her fault she’d invited a predator into her home and tried to set him up with her son. He wanted to tell her he had thought Elliot was great, too, until he clearly wasn’t. But the words died on his tongue every time, and he just repeated the same mantra to her, over and over --  _ You couldn’t have known _ .

 

He hadn’t told his family everything. He confirmed what they knew from the papers and local gossip, but he never told them anything else. They knew Elliot had attempted to assault him undercover, but he hadn’t told them the details. He just said he got him to confess on tape and then they arrested him. They didn’t need to know.

 

Rafael and Liv had both tried to convince him to talk to them, that it would be good, that it would ease part of the weight. But they never pushed. They always said, “When you’re ready,” but he doubted he’d ever be ready.

 

He was scared if he started talking he wouldn’t stop. He still couldn’t bring himself to tell them he was asexual. Not after their confused comments on the hate crime charge. That just fuelled his self-hatred even more. How could he ask them to love and accept him when he couldn’t love and accept himself? How could he ever expect them to understand?

 

“Detective Carisi,” Rafael started, and Sonny breathed out shakily, fists clenched in his lap, and prepared himself for the thing he’d been dreading the most. “You met the defendant before he was thought to be connected to this case in any way, correct?”

 

And so it started. Sonny spoke, to his own surprise, almost flawlessly. His voice barely wavered, even when he had to describe that night in the bathroom.

 

He managed to feel glad that he only had to speak about himself. He didn’t have to speak about the other victims in any detail. He didn’t think he could have handled talking about Maria. Maria had refused to testify, refused to have any part in it, but Sonny had continued to see her regularly. He was glad he didn’t have to relive her pain.

 

He managed to maintain eye contact with Rafael, look at Elliot when required, and even let his eyes lock on a few jury members occasionally. But he knew this was the easy part.

 

“Thank you, Detective. No further questions,” Rafael said, flashing him a quick, reassuring smile before taking his seat.

 

Sonny felt his heart beat uncomfortably fast in his chest, and he tried to calm his breathing down to face Buchanan with a neutral expression.

 

“Detective Carisi. You stated you were only friends with the defendant?”

 

“Correct.”

 

“You went out for drinks, you had lunch together, you texted most days…”

 

“All things friends do,” he cut Buchanan off, stomach flipping at the implication he knew was coming.

 

“True. But are you sure you’re not just saying that now?”

 

“Objection, Your Honor. We’ve already covered Detective Carisi’s relationship with the defendant.”

 

“I’m entitled to cross,” Buchanan shrugged, smug smile intact as he turned to face the judge.

 

“Agreed. Witness will answer.”

 

Rafael sighed as Buchanan clapped his hands together, making his way to Sonny.

 

Sonny swallowed thickly, clenching his fists against his thighs. Buchanan could be ruthless, and Sonny was, quite frankly, terrified.

 

“No, I’m not just saying that now. I told him the first time we met that I wasn’t looking for that. I apologised for the fact that my Mom was trying to set us up.”

 

“And yet you continued to see him.”

 

“Sure. He seemed nice.”

 

“So would it be fair to say that perhaps your feelings had changed?”

 

“No,” Sonny responded, jaw clenching as he tried to conceal his sudden anger.

 

“No? Was Elliot aware of that?”

 

“I don’t--”

 

“Is it fair to say that Elliot saw your texting and invites for drinks as flirting?”

 

“Perhaps, but--”

 

“Is it fair to say that what you had resembled the early stages of a relationship?”

 

“I guess, but--”

 

“Is it fair--”

 

“Objection, Your Honor,” Rafael cut in, standing up with one hand splayed out on the desk, the other on his hip. “Is Mr. Buchanan going to let the witness answer his questions, or just continue to badger him?”

 

“Mr. Buchanan?” Judge Barth questioned, giving him an unimpressed look.

 

“Apologies, Your Honor. I’m just trying to understand why Detective Carisi would lead my client on--”

 

“Objection.”

 

“Sustained. Strike that from the record. Mr. Buchanan, be careful.”

 

“Yes, Your Honor,” Buchanan replied with a toothy grin that made Sonny’s skin crawl.

 

“Detective Carisi, would it be fair to say that my client may have misinterpreted your actions?”

 

“Sure. But he should have said something. He shouldn’t have tried to have sex with me when I didn’t want it.”

 

“Did you tell him you didn’t want it?”

 

“I told him when we first met I was asexual, which, while not strictly excluding sex for certain people, should at least be an indicator that a serious conversation should be had should you intend to pursue anything.”

 

“Right, so this apparent ‘sexuality’ of yours--”

 

“Objection, Your Honor--”

 

“Sustained,” Judge Barth said sternly, half-glaring at Buchanan. Sonny knew he liked her for a reason.

 

Sonny was looking a Liv, and she was giving him a tight-lipped smile, and he desperately wished he could be sitting beside her, watching someone else do this.

 

“Did you ever say no, Detective Carisi?”

 

Sonny’s mouth went dry and his stomach turned. They’d been over this, too. They knew it would come up. Sonny hadn’t explicitly said no. Sonny never once said no. Not out loud. He’d tried to move away, he’d been backed into a corner, he’d been barely able to hold himself up by the time the squad got there -- everything in his body language had screamed no. But he never said the words.

 

He could taste bile on the back of his tongue as his gaze flicked to Liv again. She gave him a small, encouraging nod, but it didn’t feel like nearly enough. He wanted to look to Rafael for support, but he knew he shouldn’t. So he forced himself to look back at Buchanan, swallowing hard.

 

“Not verbally,” he said quietly, voice a little hoarse.

 

“So how was he to know you didn’t want it?”

 

“I’d previously said--”

 

“How was he to know you hadn’t changed your mind?”

 

“I was terrified!” He knew he’d almost shouted. He glanced at Rafael in desperation, but Rafael’s expression was unreadable. “I was terrified,” he repeated, quieter, gripping the seat beneath him. “I kept trying to move away. He had me backed against the wall with my face pressed against the tiles and I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak.”

 

“You could speak about the other alleged victims, though. How could you not say no?”

 

Sonny took a deep breath in, forcing away the true answer. Because the truth was it hadn’t occurred to him to say no. The word hadn’t entered his mind. He’d been so focused on making sure Elliot incriminated himself on tape that he hadn’t been able to focus on anything else at all.

 

But that wasn’t a good answer. That was a damning answer, despite how common that response actually was. It was an answer that made him sound unsure of what he had wanted, and that wasn’t good enough.

 

“I was doing my job. And by the time it had gone too far, my squad came in and arrested him.”

 

“So you needed saving?”

 

“Yes,” Sonny ground out, jaw clenching again.

 

“You, a cop, an SVU Detective, a man just over six feet tall, needed saving from a man four inches shorter than you who doesn’t even go to the gym?”

 

“Objection--”

 

“Withdrawn. Nothing further.”

 

“You may step down,” Judge Barth said softly, giving Sonny an almost apologetic smile.

 

He breathed out a shaky sigh of relief, almost stumbling as he stepped down from the box and through the door behind him.

 

As soon as he was out of the courtroom, his legs buckled and he sagged against the wall, taking deep, ragged breaths.

 

_ It’s over. It’s over _ . He repeated to himself on a loop, closing his eyes as he leaned against the wall for support.

 

“Sir, are you okay?” A security guard asked from somewhere behind him, but he waved him off.

 

He wasn’t fine. He was nowhere near fine. But the thing he had been dreading most from day one was over, and he could finally stop rehearsing his answers in his head and thinking up all the possible ways it could turn to shit.

 

In that moment, all he wanted was his mother to hold him, to kiss his head like she did when he was a child, and to tell him everything would be okay.

 

“Carisi?”

 

Liv. Liv was calling to him.

 

He felt a sob wrench its way from his chest and tear its way up his throat as he heaved for air that didn’t seem to fill his lungs.

 

“Sonny,” he heard right by his ear as warm arms wrapped around him.

 

He allowed Liv to lead him to a small room down the hall. He wasn’t quite sure how she was supporting his weight because he was sure his legs weren’t doing anything. He allowed her to sit him down in one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs, and he leaned forward, burying his face in his hands.

 

“You did great, Sonny,” she said quietly, rubbing his back soothingly.

 

“I fucked up,” he croaked out, not looking up. His hands were wet with his tears.

 

“No, you did perfectly. Buchanan was always going to try and twist--”

 

“No, I fucked up. That night. I should have said no. I should have pushed him away. I should have--”

 

“Sonny, stop,” Liv whispered, and he could feel her breath on his cheek. “None of this was your fault.”

 

“Why does it feel like it is?”

 

Liv sighed, resting her head against his arm as she continued to rub his back soothingly.

 

“I don’t know. I wish I knew. I wish I could flick a switch in every victim I ever saw so they could stop blaming themselves. Because it’s not your fault. It’s his fault. And I know that you know that.” She gave his arm a gentle, reassuring squeeze as she sighed again.

 

“I’m so sorry,” Sonny mumbled, rubbing furiously at his eyes. “You don’t have to be here. You should be at the precinct, or out on a case. The last thing you need is--”

 

“Fin and Amanda have it covered. I want to be here.”

 

Sonny gave a small nod, finally looking at her to give her a small smile.

 

“Thanks, Lieu,” he whispered shakily.

 

He knew he should have told his family. He should have been honest with them from the start. It should be his family here with him, helping him, not Liv.

 

But he was grateful. He would never stop being grateful.

 

—

 

“Sonny?”

 

Sonny snapped awake at the sound of his own name, head spinning as he sat up too fast. He rubbed his eyes and cracked his neck.

 

“Yeah, Raf,” he answered quietly, voice scratchy with sleep.

 

“Sorry,” Rafael said gently as he came into the room, draping his suit jacket over a chair on his way past. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

 

“Shouldn’t have been asleep,” he said with a laugh, reaching out to drag Rafael down next to him.

 

“You okay?” Rafael asked as he loosened his tie and unbuttoned the top few buttons, leaning back to look at Sonny.

 

“Yeah,” he breathed out, dragging Rafael back towards him.

 

“That was--”

 

“As expected,” Sonny cut him off, pressing a small kiss to his chin as he slowly laid back down, pulling Rafael with him.

 

Rafael slid himself into the space between Sonny and the back of the lounge, draping his free arm across Sonny’s stomach while he rested his head on Sonny’s chest. Sonny threaded his fingers through his partner’s hair, twirling some of the longer strands between his fingers.

 

“You did great,” Rafael whispered, pressing a kiss to Sonny’s chest.

 

Sonny half-shrugged, closing his eyes as Rafael started rubbing small circles on his bare forearm.

 

“You did. You answered everything calmly. Perfectly. The perfect--”

 

“I don’t wanna talk about it, Raf,” he said bluntly, propping himself up to look at Rafael.

 

Rafael lifted his own head, resting his chin against Sonny’s sternum, looking up at him through his lashes, and Sonny felt his stomach flutter. Sometimes, still, after all this time, he was floored by how beautiful Rafael was.

 

“You’re beautiful,” he whispered, cutting off whatever Rafael was about to say.

 

Caught off guard, it took a moment for Rafael to react. Sonny enjoyed the transformation from concerned to embarrassed-slash-amused before Rafael huffed out an almost laugh, breath ghosting over Sonny’s chin.

 

“I’m old.”

 

“Sure,” he said with a laugh, cupping Rafael’s cheeks gently, thumbs ghosting across his cheekbones. “But so’s George Clooney, and he’s still got it. The two aren’t mutually exclusive.”

 

Rafael rolled his eyes, but his fond smile told a different story. “If you say so.”

 

He pushed himself up, arms braced either side of Sonny, before pressing a chaste kiss to Sonny’s lips.

 

“Come to bed. It’s been a long day,” Rafael said gently, easing himself off the lounge before extending a hand to Sonny.

 

“Tomorrow will be longer,” he said quietly, taking Rafael’s hand but making no effort to move.

 

Rafael sighed softly, giving Sonny’s hand a small squeeze before giving his arm a small tug.

 

“It will. But then it will be over. Then there’s nothing more we can do.”

 

“That doesn’t help,” he said with a sigh, pulling himself up off the lounge with Rafael’s help.

 

“I know. But I can’t make it better with words. It is what it is.” Sonny nodded.  “And I love you.” Sonny nodded again, trying to suppress the smile that was forming.

 

Rafael let go of Sonny’s hand as he headed for the bedroom, leaving him standing in the middle of the dark room staring.

 

“You’re cute when you pout,” Rafael teased over his shoulder, undoing his tie completely as he walked.

 

“If you say so,” Sonny said with a smirk, following after Rafael.

 

He could practically  _ feel _ Rafael roll his eyes, even though he couldn’t see it, and he felt fondness bloom in his chest, momentarily overriding the anxiety he was feeling for the following day.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to booyahkendell for acting as beta, and to keraunoscopia for helping me with the courtroom shenanigans :)
> 
> We're getting there, guys... We're getting there.

Sonny sat next to Liv in the courtroom. He could see the back of Rafael’s head, and he desperately wanted to go to him, even though it had only been a few hours since they had parted. Rafael had become Sonny’s main source of strength throughout this entire ordeal, and he hated how much he’d come to depend on him.

 

The door at the front of the room opened, and as Elliot was lead to the witness stand and sworn in, Sonny’s stomach turned, his heart rate spiking -- a feat he hadn’t thought possible until now.

 

“Mr. Potello, we’ve heard from all the witnesses and the alleged ‘victims’,” the implied air quotes around victims made Sonny’s skin crawl, “but we haven’t heard from you. You’re taking the stand today against my recommendation, correct?”

 

“Yes, sir,” Elliot answered with a shy, but utterly charming smile. Sonny hated him.

 

“Elliot -- do you mind if I call you Elliot?”

 

“Not at all.”

 

“Elliot, please explain how you know your accusers, Ariana, Lilly, Maria, Andrew, Lincoln, and of course, Detective Carisi?”

 

“I didn’t know them -- not really, none except Sonny. Er‍, Detective Carisi. It’s an uncomfortable thing to admit to a room full of strangers, but all aside from Detective Carisi were one night stands.”

 

Buchanan hummed in contemplation, turning to face the jury for a brief moment. Sonny’s eyes flicked to them, too, and his stomach churned at the look in some of their eyes. They already looked enamoured with Elliot.

 

“How would you describe your encounters in these one night stands?”

 

“We had fun. I’ll admit to having been drunk each time, and I’m fairly sure they were, too. But we had fun. Especially Maria -- she invited me into her home and all.” A fond smile spread across Elliot’s face, and Sonny had to swallow hard against his sudden nausea.

 

“So none of them asked you to stop?”

 

“No, of course not. If they had, I would have. Immediately.”

 

“And how about Detective Carisi?”

 

“I thought we were friends,” Elliot said with a sad smile, and even from where he was sat, Sonny could see Buchanan almost pout in sympathy. 

 

The jury looked sympathetic too. Sonny wanted to run.

 

“We shared drinks, we were close. We hadn’t defined anything, but I thought we were heading towards something. I…I was ready to stop seeing other people, for him.”

 

Sonny took deep, deliberate breaths, eyes trained on Elliot the entire time, even when he made direct eye contact. He felt Liv gently touch his knee, but he didn’t react.

 

“So why, do you think, did he try and set you up like that?”

 

“I don’t know,” Elliot admitted -- lied -- a barely noticeable tremor in his voice. “All I know is I lost a friend that night.”

 

Buchanan gave a small nod, glancing at the jury again, his face etched with sympathy.

 

“So every encounter with all six of your accusers was consensual?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Despite their apparent ‘asexuality’?” Sonny desperately wanted to shove Buchanan’s implied air quotes somewhere he’d definitely feel them.

 

Elliot laughed uncomfortably. “We’d discussed it. They wanted me to show them a good time. They wanted to feel normal. I was more than happy to oblige. Asexuality is…Well, it doesn’t exist, does it? I goes against biological evolution. I--”

 

“Objection, beyond the scope of the witness. Defendant is not a medical expert or scientist of any kind,” Rafael cut in, voice sounding almost bored. Somehow, that calmed Sonny a little.

 

“Sustained. Jury will disregard.”

 

“I was just helping them out,” Elliot offered quietly.

 

“Can you think of any reason why they might think the encounters weren’t consensual?”

 

“Perhaps the alcohol. But we were both drunk. It may be ill-advised, but they definitely seemed into it at the time. If they’d asked me to stop, I would have. I would never intentionally hurt anyone.”

 

“Thank you, Elliot,” Buchanan said with a gentle smile reserved only for the scum of the earth, it seemed. “No further questions.”

 

“Mr. Potello,” Rafael began, standing up and buttoning his jacket, “You claim these encounters were consensual?”

 

“Yes, sir.”

 

“Yet three of your victims ended up hospitalised.”

 

“We…may have gotten a little rough,” Elliot admitted with a sheepish grin at the jury.

 

“A little rough?” Rafael questioned, picking up a stack of photos to hold up for the jury. “Injuries sustained by Maria, evidence items 2a through e,” he paused, grabbing a second stack, “Andrew, items 6a through h,” he paused, grabbing the third stack, “and Lincoln, items 8a through d.”

 

The jury looked horrified, as though this was the first time they’d seen this evidence, though Sonny knew it wasn’t. He was grateful Rafael could remind them of it now.

 

“You call that a  _ little _ rough?”

 

“They wanted it like that,” Elliot said with a shrug.

 

“They wanted to end up in hospital?” Rafael deadpanned before flashing Elliot a smile. “Sure, okay.”

 

Rafael walked around his table, leaning back on it, arms folded across his chest.

 

“What are your views on asexuality, Mr. Potello?”

 

“Objection, beyond the scope. Mr. Barba wouldn’t allow his views before--”

 

“He stated them as fact before. I want his  _ opinion _ now.”

 

“Very well, Mr. Barba. Witness may answer,” Judge Barth said with a small sigh.

 

“I don’t…It’s…” Every stammer made Sonny’s heart flutter with hope. Rafael was good. Rafael could get him.

 

“Do I need to remind everyone of what you said on tape?”

 

“No,” Elliot muttered. “I don’t believe in it. It goes against nature. Against  _ God _ .”

 

“It goes against God? Yet you think your God would be okay with you brutally raping--”

 

“Objection!”

 

“Withdrawn. Mr. Potello, how do you think sex can cure asexuality?”

 

“Objection, as Mr. Barba stated, my client is not an expert.”

 

“I’m inclined to agree, Mr. Barba. Rephrase or move on.”

 

Rafael sighed, moving a little closer towards Elliot, one hand in his pocket, the other fiddling with a pen as he walked slowly, deliberately.

 

“Mr. Potello,  _ in your personal opinion,  _ do you think sex can cure asexuality?”

 

“I…Guess so? They asked me for it. Of course I was more than happy to help.”

 

“More than happy to help,” Rafael repeated, expression disbelieving. “Would you sleep with a lesbian to cure them of homosexuality?”

 

“Objection!” Buchanan shouted at the same time as Elliot scoffed, saying, “Of course not!”

 

“...Overruled,” Judge Barth said slowly, raising her eyebrows at Elliot.

 

Buchanan hung his head with a sigh, and Sonny felt a small smirk forming on his face.

 

“You wouldn’t?”

 

“No. That would be ridiculous.”

 

“Of course it would,” Rafael said with a small laugh, leaning against the witness box as though he and Elliot were suddenly friends. “Of course. Right? You can’t change someone’s sexuality.”

 

Elliot nodded apprehensively, eyes flitting between Rafael and Buchanan.

 

“Mr. Potello, we’re just trying to get to the truth here, so we can all go home, put this all behind us, right?” Elliot nodded again. “Do you hate people who are different to you?”

 

“No,” Elliot scoffed.

 

“Right, but people who identify as asexual…they’re lying. You don’t like liars?”

 

“Lying is a sin.”

 

“Sure. And liars should be punished.”

 

“Right,” Elliot said, nodding a little more eagerly than before.

 

“And people who choose to identify as asexual aren’t just lying, are they? They’re damaged.”

 

“Exactly!” Elliot shouted a split second before Buchanan’s booming objection.

 

Sonny could see the despair on Buchanan’s face, which dropped further as the judge overruled his objection, and he took comfort in it. Even as Buchanan schooled his features to look unaffected, Sonny knew Buchanan knew he’d lost control of his client. All those rehearsed lies and clever smiles and voice breaks, all for nothing. All it took was for someone to act like they understood Elliot, just a little bit, just for a moment, and everything they’d crafted together meant nothing. Deep down, Elliot was a narcissist, and lying on the stand instead of bragging must have been killing him.

 

“Mr. Potello, do you mind if I call you Elliot?”

 

“Go ahead,” he said, smiling comfortably now. 

 

_ Idiot _ , Sonny thought to himself.

 

“Elliot, come on, you know all this,” he waved lazily, gesturing around the courtroom, “is just procedure. I just wanna know why you decided to sleep with liars -- with broken people.”

 

“They deserved my help.”

 

“But you hate them, don’t you?” Elliot looked hesitant, so Rafael added, “Surely there’s a reason. Who hurt you?”

 

“Objection, relevance?”

 

“No one hurt me,” Elliot said quietly, speaking over Judge Barth’s ‘overruled’.

 

“Your Honor, I need a quick recess?” Buchanan tried, desperation in his voice.

 

“In the middle of my cross?” Rafael fired, turning around to face Buchanan and the Judge.

 

“Continue, Mr. Barba,” Judge Barth said with a stern look at Buchanan.

 

“Come on. Everyone’s been hurt. Who hurt you?”

 

“No one. Hurt me,” Elliot ground out.

 

“It doesn’t make you weak,” Rafael added softly, and Sonny could hear Elliot breathing now, even from halfway across the room.

 

“I’m not weak,” he hissed.

 

“Your Honor, please, my client is distr--”

 

“Mr. Buchanan, sit down. Mr. Barba is entitled to cross.”

 

“Why do you hate them? There must be a reason?” Rafael continued as though there’d been no interruption.

 

“I don’t need a reason,” Elliot grit out between clenched teeth.

 

“So you just hurt them for no reason?”

 

“No.”

 

“So what’s the reason? Why did you rape three innocent women and two innocent men? Why did you assault a police officer who considered you a friend? Why did you actively seek out six individuals who identify as asexual--”

 

“STOP SAYING THAT WORD LIKE IT MEANS SOMETHING,” Elliot shouted, words echoing around the high ceilings of the courtroom. “Stop giving them validation!”

 

“Why does that anger you?”

 

“How dare they use it as an excuse to turn me down. How dare they. You think Ariana was the first? There were so many before her. Little whores who decide they’re asexual just to turn me down. Girls from school who slept around, but then when it was my turn they told me they weren’t ‘into that’ anymore. Men who can’t fully admit they’re gay, so they say they’re asexual. 

 

“There’s more and more of them popping up in the community. So many of them. Like they belong. Like they’re valid. Taking over queer spaces like they belong there. But they don’t. They just lead you on, string you along, until they don’t want you anymore, then they decide to whip out this new, popular word that lets them off the hook.”

 

“Your Honor--”

 

“It’s bullshit! Complete bullshit! They should be grateful! All of them! They should be grateful that someone like me even looks twice at them! They’re damaged, deranged, deluded liars, and cheats, and they should be grateful!”

 

The courtroom was silent aside from Elliot’s heavy breathing. And Sonny’s own, he realised, as his chest heaved over and over, in time with Elliot’s. He felt Liv’s hand curl around his own, but he couldn’t take his eyes off Elliot.

 

“No further questions,” Rafael said quietly, taking his place back at his table.

 

“Defendant may step down,” Judge Barth ordered, and Sonny followed him with his eyes until he was completely out the door. “We will take a short fifteen minute recess then return for closing arguments.”

 

Murmuring started up around Sonny, but he felt strangely distant from it all as he stood up and walked out into the hall with Liv. Somehow, it still stung that Elliot hated who he was that much. It still stung, despite how much he hated who Elliot was, too.

 

“You okay?” Liv asked as soon as they were out.

 

“Yeah,” he breathed out shakily. “Relieved, more than anything. I think.”

 

Liv smiled, nodding. “I told you not to doubt him.”

 

“It wasn’t him I doubted,” Sonny said with a sigh. “Elliot’s a good liar. But Rafael found his weak spot.”

 

Liv gave Sonny a small smile, squeezing his arm, and he was hit with the realisation that he was tired of being the victim.

 

It was exhausting. He was tired of his colleagues looking at him like he was fragile. He was tired of Liv and Rafael constantly checking up on him, asking if he was okay. It felt like ‘are you okay?’ was the question he’d answered the most lately. And the answer was a resounding no, but he was tired of that, too.

 

The realisation that this case would hopefully be finished in no more than a few days made him feel like, for the first time since this case started, he could finally move on.

 

His phone vibrated in his pocket, and he sighed when he fished it out. If he couldn’t even answer a phone call from his mom, maybe things wouldn’t be okay after all. He declined the call and pocketed his phone again.

 

When they were finally called back into the courtroom, Sonny was relieved to see Buchanan looking equal parts pissed and exhausted as he rose to welcome the judge.

 

“We will now start with closing statements. Mr. Buchanan?”

 

Buchanan stood up slowly, unbuttoning his jacket as he leisurely made his way over to the jury box, face already back to the perfect, smug picture of calm it usually was.

 

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. You have been presented with two sides of a story. Now, I don’t envy your job of determining the facts. How can anyone truly know what went on between these people aside from them?

 

“However, based on what you’ve heard, you must come to a conclusion. You must sift through piles of evidence and weeks worth of testimony to decide whether my client is guilty or not.

 

“Now, Mr. Barba and the DA’s office have put forward what they believe to be a strong case. But you must examine _ every little piece _ of information given to you. As upsetting as the alleged victims’ testimonies may be, you can’t coddle them, nor can you accept tears as truth.

 

“No. You must look at the facts and find my client innocent. You must see that the People’s claims are no more than a political stance. You must see that the DA’s office are simply trying to show that they are politically correct by making this into a bigger deal than it is. The DA’s office are coddling the people of New York by letting them have their way. The DA’s office is saying it’s okay to cry rape when you’re believed to be different.

 

“And so, you must not give in to this political movement, and you  _ must _ find my client not guilty.”

 

Sonny’s fist was clenching and unclenching at his side until Liv covered his hand with her own. He pulled his hand from under hers rather aggressively, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. As much as he needed her mothering, he was also tired of it. It was a futile, petulant state of being, but he was so wound up he didn’t care anymore.

 

Buchanan was hoping for the hate crime charge, at least, to be dropped. And he was hoping to play into their disbelief to get them to find him not guilty on all counts, too. And despite Rafael’s brilliant cross, Sonny wasn’t sure he trusted the jury to make the right call.

 

“Mr. Buchanan’s speech was grand,” Rafael started quietly, making his way to the jury. “Grand, but stupid.

 

“He seems to think that political correctness is a bad thing. And more than that, he seems to think that an imagined political stance should excuse rape.

 

“The facts are clear. The evidence is strong. You yourself heard the defendant’s self-righteous, self-serving spiel on the stand. You yourself heard how much he despised his victims, for reasons that are still unclear to me.

 

“You must cast aside all confusion and doubt surrounding sexuality. You must ignore what social media, what your friends, your family, tell you, and decide for yourself what’s right and what’s wrong.

 

“And the truth is, Mr. Potello targeted these people because of how they choose to identify. Mr. Potello targeted them, and then brutally raped them, and he claims that he was doing them a favour. 

 

“He is not remorseful. He is not sad, or sorry. He’s proud of what he’s done. He said so himself.

 

“So set aside supposed political agenda, and trust the evidence. Trust the evidence, and find Mr. Potello guilty.

 

“Thank you.”

 

Sonny’s knees seemed to be jiggling of their own accord. It was over. It was up to the jury, now. There was nothing more anyone could do.

 

He was more nervous than ever.

 

“Members of the jury, you have been delivered evidence from both sides,” Judge Barth said. “It is now up to you to determine the facts. I ask you to examine all evidence and testimony with care.

 

“The jury will now deliberate. Court is adjourned.”

 

Everyone rose, waiting for Judge Barth to leave the room before filing out. Sonny made straight for Rafael, unable to hold back any longer. He pressed his hand, just momentarily, to Rafael’s lower back as he moved around him.

 

“Hey,” he breathed out.

 

“Hey,” Rafael replied with a small smile, returning the gesture as he lead Sonny out of the courtroom and into the hallway. “What do you want to do while we wait?”

 

Sonny just shrugged, shoving his hands in his pockets. He was full of nervous energy. He could go to work, despite the fact that he had the whole day off, but he wasn’t sure he’d be able to focus on anything.

 

“I’d suggest we just go home, but you never know how quick a jury will come back.”

 

“Mhmm,” Sonny hummed noncommittally.

 

“You okay?”

 

“I wish everyone would stop asking me that,” he snapped, turning to look at Rafael. He caught the surprised flash of hurt on Rafael’s face before he schooled his expression, and felt a twinge of guilt. “Sorry. You did great today. I shouldn’t take whatever this is out on you.”

 

“You can, you know.” When Sonny gave him a confused look, he added, “Take it out on me.”

 

Sonny shook his head with a small huff of laughter as they got to the elevator where Liv was waiting for them.

 

Sometimes, still, he was shocked by how gentle and giving Rafael could be. When they first met, Sonny couldn’t imagine this side to Rafael. He was all sharp barbs and insults, quick to dismiss anyone and everyone.

 

Sonny had seen Rafael’s soft side so many times, and seen it directed at himself more often than not over the past two years, even when he’d been undeserving, and yet it still surprised him. Even at his best, Sonny felt undeserving, and Sonny hadn’t been at his best for a long time.

 

“How do you think the jury will go?” Liv asked as they stepped into the elevator, snapping Sonny from his thoughts.

 

“I think they saw him for who he was. And I think they saw a monster, despite any bias they may have.”

 

“You did good,” Liv said with a soft smile that Rafael returned.

 

“He handed himself to me on a platter. It was easy.”

 

Liv laughed, a knowing smile on her face. She knew just as well as Sonny did that court was rarely easy, and that Rafael was constantly calculating and assessing as he spoke.

 

“I’ve gotta get back to the precinct. Carisi, keep the rest of the day off. We’ll be fine without you.”

 

Sonny nodded, giving her a small wave as she headed through the crowd toward the front door.

 

“Food?” Rafael suggested, resting his hand on Sonny’s lower back again as they made their own way through the busy entranceway.

 

“Not really hungry,” Sonny said with a small shrug.

 

“Sonny,” Rafael sighed, pulling him aside once they were outside. “Please. Eat. With me. I feel like we haven’t done that in so long.”

 

Sonny smiled. He couldn’t resist. Not when Rafael was looking at him so sweetly, open affection and just a hint of desperation on his face.

 

“Okay, Raf. You pick a place.”

 

“And I suppose you want me to pick your meal for you, too,” Rafael said with an over dramatic eye roll.

 

“Sure, if you’re offering. And my drink, too.”

 

Rafael rolled his eyes again as Sonny smirked, but then his entire expression softened into something Sonny couldn’t quite read, but that made his heart swell nonetheless.

 

As they walked down the courthouse steps, Sonny itched to take Rafael’s hand, but he knew he couldn’t. Not at work. Not yet.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to booyahkendell for acting as beta and for whisperingvictory for checking the final piece of courtroom stuff for me! And thank you, everyone, for your lovely comments about my courtroom scenes because aghhh that stuff was so hard to write, having no real concept of how the NYC court system works outside shows like SVU. It means a lot to me that you enjoyed it so much!
> 
> And now I've gotta apologise for this chapter. It's not my best writing, and I spent so long tinkering with it and trying to make it better and I couldn't come up with a way to do what I wanted while being happy with my writing at the same time. So...apologies. And extra apologies for Sonny being an idiot as always. But we're nearly at the end, and I promise it will have a happy ending.   
> _I promise_.

It only took the jury until just after lunch the following day.

 

Rafael called while Sonny was doodling on his notepad when he should have been filling out paperwork, and the whole squad made their way to the courthouse. Sonny could feel the nervous energy radiating from everyone. It was adding to his own that hadn’t calmed down since the previous day.

 

Rafael had managed to get him to eat, to relax a little, to laugh, but Sonny couldn’t sit still for too long, knees jiggling or fingers tapping, seemingly of their own accord. Rafael had practically climbed on top of him to get him to lie still, which had ended in an almost-argument, though Sonny didn’t leave and Rafael didn’t ask him to.

 

Sonny couldn’t tell if a jury verdict within a day was a good thing or a bad thing. Some juries came back with good results fast, and others were hasty.

 

They met Rafael at the entrance to the courtroom, and he didn’t even spare Sonny a glance as they walked in together and took their respective places.

 

“All rise.”

 

Judge Barth strode in, taking her place.

 

“Please be seated.”

 

Sonny’s palms were sweaty. The thought of a ‘not guilty’ verdict suddenly overwhelmed him, making it hard to breathe. Having to go through this again if they filed for a retrial, or knowing Elliot was back in Staten Island right around the corner from his parents -- neither option was good. Neither option was comfortable. Both options made him feel vaguely nauseous.

 

“Members of the jury, have you reached your verdict?”

 

“We have, Your Honor,” the first juror said, standing up.

 

Sonny’s heart pounded uncomfortably against his ribcage.

 

“On the first charge of rape in the first degree, how do you find the defendant?”

 

“We find the defendant guilty.”

 

“On the second charge of rape in the first degree, how do you find the defendant?”

 

“We find the defendant guilty.”

 

Sonny breathed out heavily, relief washing over him in waves as the jury found Elliot guilty of every charge against him. As each count was painstakingly read out, the jury came back with a guilty verdict. Even against Sonny’s own assault, which he’d been most doubtful about.

 

He felt Fin and Amanda clapping him on the back as the gavel went down and everyone started moving, but his eyes were locked on Elliot. Elliot, who looked absolutely broken, like he couldn’t believe the verdict at all. Elliot, who was staring right back at Sonny with a look that winded him, though he wasn’t sure why.

 

“Carisi?” Liv questioned beside him, placing a hand on his shoulder.

 

“Yeah,” he breathed out as he stood on shaky legs, following the rest of the squad out into the bustling hallway to wait for Rafael.

 

“See you back at the precinct, man,” Fin said, giving him another clap on the back as Amanda hugged him.

 

“That’s gotta be a load off, right?” Amanda beamed at him before following Fin out.

 

“You want the rest of the day off?” Liv asked quietly, standing close so she could be heard.

 

“Nah. No, I’m good.” His eyes flicked over Liv’s shoulder, gaze falling on Maria. He hadn’t even noticed her in court. Everyone said she hadn’t shown up for any of it. He wasn’t even sure she’d heard the verdicts. “Give me a moment?”

 

“Sure.”

 

“Hey, Sonny,” Maria said quietly, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

 

“Hey. I didn’t expect to see you here.”

 

“I had to know,” she all but whispered, voice trembling. “I didn’t think…I thought he’d get away with it.”

 

“He’s going where he belongs.”

 

Maria nodded, eyes filling with tears, and Sonny’s heart clenched. He’d stopped seeing her shortly after she had tried to kill herself. She hadn’t wanted him around, and her family didn’t seem to want him around, either. It had been months, and it hurt to see her still in pain.

 

“You doin’ okay?”

 

“Kinda. Better. I was worried this would be a bad idea. But I think this will help.”

 

“I hope so,” Sonny said earnestly.

 

“I hope so, too,” she said with a small, watery smile, before lunging forward to hug him.

 

Slowly, carefully, he wrapped his arms around her, squeezing her close to him. Sonny could feel Maria’s tears soaking into his shirt, but he didn’t mind. He just held on to her until eventually she let go, pulling back to wipe at her eyes.

 

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered, hiccoughing a little.

 

“What for? You have nothing to be sorry for.”

 

“If I hadn’t been such a coward, you never would have gotten hurt. Those two men wouldn’t have gotten hurt. It could have been finished so much earlier.”

 

“No, hey, that’s not on you.”

 

“It is! I’m weak, and pathetic, and--”

 

“Maria, stop. You gotta stop beating yourself up all the time. You’re such a beautiful human being, and a terrible thing happened to you, but it doesn’t make you any less beautiful.”

 

Maria sniffled in response, averting her eyes. “You went above and beyond for me, and you ended up getting hurt.”

 

“And that’s on him, Maria, not you,” Sonny insisted, taking her hand in his. “Trust me. I’ve been doing this a long time. It’s always their fault. It’s never yours.”

 

Maria nodded slowly, meeting his eyes again as he squeezed her hand a little.

 

“Thank you,” she said, voice scratchy with emotion still. “For everything.”

 

“Hey, don’t worry about it. You’re more than welcome.”

 

She took a deep breath and offered him a full and proper smile, and he was struck by just how beautiful she looked when her face lit up.

 

“Bye, Sonny,” she said quietly, letting go of his hand.

 

“Bye, Maria.”

 

He watched her walk away, feeling almost like he’d accomplished something, though he wasn’t sure what. He walked over to where Rafael had joined Liv and, without thinking, hugged Rafael tightly. It was only just as Rafael began to hug him back that he realised what he had done and began pulling away.

 

“Sorry, Rafael, I--” He was cut off by Rafael scoffing.

 

“It’s fine,” he said sharply, a bite to his words.

 

Sonny felt himself blush as he tried to ignore Liv’s concerned eyes darting between them.

 

“I’ll meet you outside?” Liv suggested, nodding towards the door.

 

“I’ll just be a moment,” Sonny agreed with a nod, waiting until Liv had gone before taking Rafael by the arm and pulling him around the corner to a less crowded space. “Guilty on all counts. Impressive, Counsellor.”

 

“Good jury,” Rafael dismissed, but the pleased little smile on his face gave him away. “Good evidence,” he added more seriously.

 

“I can’t believe it’s over,” He said, breathing out heavily.

 

“Maybe…” Rafael paused, his smile slipping as his eyes left Sonny’s, flitting downwards.

 

“What is it?” 

 

“Maybe it’s time you talked to your family,” he said quietly, like he didn’t really want Sonny to hear him. Sonny sighed heavily, and Rafael was quick to add, “Only when you’re ready, of course. I just think--”

 

“You’re right,” Sonny agreed with a nod. “And I will. When I’m ready.

 

Rafael gave him a small nod, glancing around like he couldn’t quite meet Sonny’s eyes.

 

“I’ve got to go. I’ll see you tonight,” he said before walking off, leaving Sonny standing on his own.

 

Something felt off, but he couldn’t quite place it.

 

Even that night, as Sonny crawled into bed at one AM, exhausted after his double shift, something felt off. They didn’t touch each other in the night, and when Sonny woke up, Rafael was already gone.

 

—

 

It had been easy to forget the conversation Sonny had gone there to have. It was easy to forget over dinner and laughter with his family. It was easy to forget when everyone was happy and carefree, and he hadn’t been set up on a date, and he felt, for the first time in about two years, completely like himself again.

 

He didn’t feel angry, or scared, or uncertain. He didn’t feel an overwhelming sense of self-hatred looming over him. He didn’t feel like he was lying, or faking, or hiding. He felt happy. He felt calm. He felt properly good. He’d forgotten what that felt like.

 

And then, as his mother started clearing things off the table, he felt that familiar sense of fear and anxiety clawing its way up his throat, constricting his chest, burning his stomach.

 

Slowly, he rose from the table, gathering some dishes to help his mom, almost dropping them as his hands shook with nerves.

 

“Oh, don’t worry about that, I’ll…” his mother trailed off, lips turning down with worry as she stepped closer to him. “Are you okay, Sonny? You look pale. Are you sick? Did you--”

 

“Ma, I’m fine,” he said with a sigh, placing the dishes on an empty spot on the bench. “I need to talk to you.”

 

His mom gave a small nod, frown now firmly in place as she moved around him into the dining room.

 

“Girls, bring all the dishes into the kitchen for me and I’ll deal with them later,” she called out, met with groans from all three of Sonny’s sisters. The sound brought a smile to his face. 

 

She lead him out onto the back porch and they sat down on the steps in the dim light from the living room window.

 

“You’re worrying me, Dominick,” she said quietly, taking his hand in hers.

 

“You know the case against Elliot? What he did?” His mother nodded, giving his hand a squeeze. “Well…”

 

Sonny trailed off with a heavy sigh, trying to work out the right way to word it. His skin still crawled when he thought of Elliot, and thought of that night, but it no longer sent waves of terror through him. He’d somewhat forgotten the feel of Elliot pressed against him, and the cool tile against his cheek. It was more of a distant sense of disgust than fear now, which he was sure was progress.

 

But he didn’t know how to convey that to his mother. He knew she’d be worried for him, and upset on his behalf. He didn’t want to cause her distress, but he knew keeping secrets from her never ended well. She always inevitably found out, and it made it so much worse than if he had just told her.

 

“Did he hurt you?” She whispered when Sonny had been silent for too long. “I read in the paper that he assaulted a police officer. Did he--”

 

“Yeah,” Sonny said quickly, cutting her off before she could come up with anything more dramatic than  _ hurt _ . “He tried to. But I was undercover. I was wired. Nothing was gonna happen, and nothing did happen.”

 

“Oh, Sonny,” she muttered, clasping both his hands in hers. “I’m so sorry.”

 

“Ma, I’ve told you already, it’s not your fault. He fooled me, too, and it’s my job to put people like him away. I just wanted to tell you. The whole truth. From my mouth, not someone else's.”

 

“Thank you,” she whispered shakily.

 

They sat for a moment, in complete silence, but Sonny didn’t feel done. He still had that anxiety gnawing at him, telling him there was more he needed to tell her.

 

“I’m asexual,” he said bluntly, before he could lose his nerve.

 

“What does…I thought you…What does that mean?”

 

“For me, it means I don’t…I don’t like sex,” God, that was an awkward thing to say to his mom. “With anyone,” he added, averting his eyes.

 

“So not…not even with men?”

 

He could hear the confusion in her voice and he couldn’t make himself look at her. He knew she’d love him no matter what, but he also knew she’d likely never understand, and that hurt, even though he still didn’t fully understand himself.

 

“No, ma. With no one.”

 

“Have you…tried?”

 

Sonny cringed. “Yes. Once. I just don’t…It was boring and uncomfortable. And I’ve never felt a desire to do it again.”

 

“Never?”

 

“Never,” he said with an awkward laugh, only meeting her eyes when he heard her laughing, too. They were still holding hands. Gripping, really.

 

“Oh, sweetheart.” If Sonny didn’t know better, he would think she sounded heartbroken. “Does this mean you’ll be alone forever?”

 

“No,” Sonny said with a laugh, shaking his head. “I have a boyfriend, actually. It’s...early days. But I’ll bring him around, when we’re ready.”

 

“How does that work?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Without…You know. How are you in a relationship?”

 

“Wow, some Catholic you are,” he joked, not quite sure what else he should respond with.

 

She swatted his arm, face reddening just a little. He’d never had the sex talk with either of his parents, so this was a first between them. One day his Dad had just dumped a book in front of him and suggested he ‘read up’.

 

Despite the Catholic Church’s views on sex before marriage, his parents had never imposed the rule. Only kept their mouths shut and made sure they knew how to be safe.

 

“Your father and I had Theresa before we were even married. You know I don’t care about that.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” he sighed. “It’s just...nice. He’s there. We watch movies together, we eat together, we share a bed most nights, we make each other breakfast, we kiss, we hug, all that normal stuff.”

 

“Don’t you worry he’ll get bored?”

 

“No,” he answered quickly. Too quickly.

 

Truth was, he hadn’t worried about it in a long time. But, as though it had been lying dormant, that worry crept out through his veins, swirling, growing, and he couldn’t believe he’d forgotten.

 

“I hope it works out for you,” his mother said, patting his arm gently, her face sad and disbelieving.

 

He gave a small nod as she stood up and let herself back inside, leaving him sat on his own with his thoughts.

 

Really, he couldn’t believe things had lasted so long with Rafael. He couldn’t believe sex hadn’t come up between them once since their first discussion on the matter.

 

He supposed it must have been this case. Rafael felt bad for him -- pitied him -- and stayed with him out of a sense of duty. It only made sense, right? And once that sense of duty wore off, once their lives went back to normal, this case in their past, Rafael would realise something was missing.

 

He couldn’t believe he’d been so stupid. Rafael had already started acting distant. Since the verdict, Sonny had barely had a moment alone with him, and when he did, it was usually either to sleep or to exchange pleasantries at work. Nothing even so far as a private smile.

 

Sure, they  _ had _ been busy, but that had never stopped Rafael pressing up against him in the night, unconsciously seeking out at least one small point of contact.

 

Sonny felt his stomach drop with the realisation that their relationship was already heading south. It wouldn’t be long before Rafael would feel trapped by early promises.

 

He didn’t want Rafael to be bored of him. He wasn’t sure he could handle that at all. He realised his cheeks were wet with tears, and he hated how much he’d come to depend on Rafael in his life. It was naïve to think it could ever work out.

 

**Sonny**

_ Hey Raf, I’m gonna head back to mine tonight. _

 

Just as Sonny was about to pocket his phone, it buzzed with a reply.

 

**Rafael**

_ Everything okay? _

 

**Sonny**

_ Fine. I’ll see you tomorrow. _

 

**Rafael**

_ Okay. I love you _ .

 

Sonny had already typed out, “I love you too,” before he sighed and deleted the message, pocketing his phone. He wiped his eyes, and, once his face felt cooler, he went back inside.

 

“Sonny! Come play Cards Against Humanity!” Gina shrieked as soon as he walked through the door.

 

“Ah, actually, I was gonna head off,” he said, leaning over his mother to kiss her on the top of her head.

 

“What? No! Come on, we haven’t spent time with you in forever,” Theresa protested, standing up to grab Sonny by the arm.

 

“Tee, leave him alone,” Bella said quietly, flashing him a small smile. “He looks exhausted.”

 

Gina and Theresa were both pouting at him, but he extracted himself from Theresa’s grip and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

 

“Thanks as always, Ma,” he said with a small wave as he grabbed his coat.

 

On the drive home, he started thinking. He thought of all the moments that Rafael had kissed him, all the moments he’d pressed up against him, all the moments that, in a normal relationship, would probably, on most occasions, lead to sex, and there were so many. 

 

Sonny knew there were many because, on occasion, he had even been frustrated at himself for not wanting more. There had been moments of what felt like a build up to nothing. Surely Rafael found that frustrating, too.

 

Of course Rafael would find that frustrating. He was just too polite, too sweet, too loving to say anything. But surely he was getting bored?

 

Every example he had of a normal, healthy relationship involved sex. Sex was supposed to be a beautiful thing, under the right circumstances. How could he deprive someone he loved of that?

 

Someone he loved…

 

He knew he loved Rafael. He knew that, for some reason, Rafael loved him, too. And he knew Rafael was a good man -- a man who followed his heart more than he let on. He knew Rafael would stay with him, even if he grew bored, even if he grew frustrated, even if it felt like it was going nowhere, because he loved Sonny.

 

He couldn’t have that. He couldn’t let Rafael down like that. He couldn’t stick around and hold Rafael back like that.

 

He’d gone around in circles on this so many times. He’d hurt Rafael so many times. It was time to stop.

 

It was time to stop pretending they could be normal. It was time to stop pretending this could work out. It was time to stop pretending and start doing the right thing. And the right thing was to set Rafael free.

 

Sure, it would hurt. But he wouldn’t be a dick like last time. He’d work out a way to break up with Rafael gently, cause the least amount of pain for him.

 

He’d ease off on the contact. Use work as an excuse, which wouldn’t be that far from the truth. He would stop staying the night, invite Rafael over less, bring him impromptu meals and coffee and desserts less, until their relationship cooled back off into something resembling friendship. Then he could break up with Rafael, say they barely saw each other, explain that their jobs were too busy, that it wouldn’t work out, and that he was sorry.

 

As Sonny pulled up outside his apartment, he’d come up with a plan that seemed like it would work. It was a plan that made his heart drop to his stomach and his lungs constrict. It was a plan that made him feel desperately lonely already. It wasn’t a plan that even felt particularly right, but he was sure it was the right thing to do. The alternative felt less right.

 

As Sonny crawled under the covers, he tried to ignore how much colder he felt without Rafael beside him.

 

_ It’s for the best _ , he reminded himself as he rolled over, away from the empty side of his bed.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks, as always, to my beautiful beta, booyahkendell!
> 
> Almost there, guys ;)

Sonny was grateful to find the precinct in chaos when he got in the next morning. He was grateful too for the never ending list of people to interview, and statements to take, and paperwork to deal with. It was so busy that he purposely left his phone unattended on his desk most of the day so he could give the witnesses, perps, and victims the full attention they needed. 

 

That, and it made it much easier to ignore calls or messages from Rafael if his phone wasn’t in view.

 

The building finally seemed to calm down around five in the afternoon, and they’d picked up two new cases through the day. There was footage to retrieve and sift through, contacts to find, leads to follow -- he knew he ought to feel exhausted, but he still just felt relieved to be able to put things off for a little longer.

 

That was until he wandered into Liv’s office to update her and found her and Rafael sitting down on the lounge together.

 

“Erm, I can come back later?” He suggested awkwardly, casting his eyes away from the small smile Rafael sent his way.

 

“It’s fine, Carisi, what’s up?” Liv asked, making to stand up.

 

“Nah,” Sonny breathed out, already turning back towards the door he’d come through. “I was just gonna update you. It can wait. I’ll type these up and come see you later.”

 

Liv nodded as Sonny left, trying not to look back at Rafael, who was almost certainly staring at him.

 

He was halfway through typing up the first statement when Rafael leaned against his desk and tapped Sonny’s phone, which was face down on his desk.

 

“Are you avoiding me?” He asked, voice teasing, flipping the phone over to reveal two missed calls and two texts.

 

“No,” Sonny said a little too quickly, rubbing his hands on his knees. “Just got caught up, is all.”

 

“I know,” Rafael raised an eyebrow. “Liv told me. Two new cases with another two yet to close…”

 

He trailed off, and Sonny just nodded. He didn’t know what to say. He could feel Rafael staring at him, but he just couldn’t bring himself to look up at him. His throat felt suddenly, inexplicably tight.

 

“Are you alright?” Rafael asked softly, leaning in a little to try and catch Sonny’s eyes.

 

“Of course,” he replied, once again too quick, and he glanced up just long enough to see Rafael frowning at him.

 

Now his chest felt tight, too. He didn’t know how he thought he could go through with this, slow and steady, like it would be easy. It might be a little easier on Rafael, but it would be near torture for Sonny, slowly cutting Rafael off, slowly distancing himself, slowly letting himself reach what he’d known was coming right from the start. To Rafael, it would seem like natural distancing in a relationship. To Sonny, it would be a drawn-out heartbreak, and he wasn’t sure he could handle that.

 

“Hey,” Rafael whispered, placing a hand on Sonny’s shoulder, causing him to flinch involuntarily. “Talk to me.”

 

“I’m just tired,” he managed, voice wavering before he offered a weak laugh, scrubbing his hand over his head. “Little sleep plus a long, busy day will do that to ya. I’m sure you know.”

 

Rafael hummed in agreement, but he didn’t quite look like he believed him. Sonny couldn’t blame him. It was an age old excuse, and it was weak as hell. But it was all he had.

 

“Come over tonight?”

 

“Raf, at this point I’m not gonna be home until, like, after midnight.”

 

“That’s never stopped you before.” It should have sounded teasing, but Rafael still just sounded gentle, soft, like he was scared to be anything else.

 

“We both need our sleep,” he said with a shrug, eyes flicking to Rafael’s before darting away again. “We’ve got a lot to deal with at the moment,” he added with a gesture at the pile of statements he had to type up.

 

“Let me bring you dinner, then,” Rafael tried, voice almost pleading.

 

Sonny sighed heavily, glancing over at Amanda, who was busy on the phone, then at Fin, who seemed to be talking to two agitated women, before settling back on where Rafael was sitting on his desk, still unwilling to look him in the eye.

 

“Amanda’s shouting us Thai,” he lied, and the lie tasted bitter on his tongue. “She never pays, so it’s about time.”

 

Rafael’s fingers drummed against Sonny’s desk lightly, and he could feel the hesitation radiating off Rafael in waves. 

“If I appeared standoffish--”

 

“No, Rafael, it’s not--”

 

“I was exhausted, relieved at the verdict, frustrated by my new case. Your hug threw me off. I know it’s stupid, but I just--”

 

“Raf, it’s fine,” Sonny said softly, offering him what he hoped looked like a genuine smile. 

 

There was an uncomfortable silence, and Sonny knew the other man was trying to read him.

 

“Sure. I’ll be in touch, Detective,” he said before striding out, not waiting for a response.

 

It was the use of his title that told him Rafael was upset. His tone was neutral, soft as it had been throughout their entire conversation, and his body language was no more tense than usual for work. But he’d reverted to Sonny’s title, and it felt like a punch in the gut. A punch he deserved, which somehow made it worse.

 

“Carisi, want to update me on--” Liv stopped mid- sentence, staring at Sonny for a moment before crossing the remaining distance between them to lean over him, glasses pushed up on her head. “What happened?”

 

“What?” Sonny asked with a huff of air that could possibly be described as a laugh, if he was lying to himself.

 

Sonny blinked against the wetness in his eyes before turning to face Liv properly, smile in place.

 

“Did something happen?” Liv asked softer, lowering herself into the chair next to his desk.

 

“Nah,” he said quietly, sitting back in his chair with feigned nonchalance, though his heart was beating wildly in his chest.

 

“Okay,” Liv began slowly, and Sonny could tell she didn’t believe him. Eventually, she continued. “Want to update me on what you’ve got?”

 

Sonny took a deep breath in to steady himself before reaching for his stack of papers, beginning to explain who he spoke to and what information he gleaned from them. He was thorough, and the more he talked, the more the tightness in his throat eased, so that by the time he was done updating her, he felt almost fine again.

 

“Great job, Carisi,” she said with a smile, and he felt his chest swell a little with pride. Praise never got old for him, especially not from his Lieutenant.

 

“Thanks, Lieu,” he said with a genuine smile. “I know you want me on the Leyton case, but I’m happy to help Amanda out with the Barnes case as well. If you need. I know we’re short-staffed and we’ve got a lot on at the moment.”

 

Liv nodded slowly, standing up from her chair as she patted Sonny’s shoulder. “As long as you’re not using it to hide from something in your personal life,” she warned before heading back to her office.

 

Sonny felt his smile drop slowly from his face. He hated how easy he was to read when he wasn’t switched into what he called ‘perp mode’. He could lie to perps, manipulate them, become someone entirely else when he switched it on. But it always felt like he couldn’t manage it for his real life, and it drove him insane. It would be nice, just once, to not be an open book to the people around him.

 

He went back to typing out his statements, but the action suddenly felt hollow. He was running on auto, barely paying attention as his mind wandered. 

 

Because Liv was right. He was using work to hide behind. And that wouldn’t work for long. Eventually he would have to try executing his plan in earnest, and he wasn’t sure he would survive it. And now, he wasn’t so sure Rafael wouldn’t see what he was doing right away, either.

 

_ Maybe I should leave _ .

 

The thought entered his head and winded him in one motion, his head spinning as he tried to actually consider the idea. He didn’t want to leave. Not really. SVU felt like his home. Things had been rocky for a while, but that was all to do with him and nothing to do with his position at SVU. The squad had welcomed him like none had before. They accepted him, they were softer, less of a boys club, more comfortable to be around. And they taught him, too. Relentlessly. He was told when he was wrong, but always given a chance to prove himself. SVU was the first place he’d truly felt accepted since he’d become a detective, and he really didn’t want to leave.

 

But the other option wasn’t sustainable. He’d hurt Rafael far too much. Even if their professional relationship survived this, he wasn’t sure either of them would survive emotionally, having to see each other most days, work closely together, spend time one on one on occasion. It wasn’t sustainable in the slightest. It would eat away at them. And even if Rafael got over it, even if Rafael found someone else, someone better, which he was sure he would, Sonny didn't think his heart would ever stop breaking just at the sight of Rafael.

 

“You okay, man?” Fin asked, standing a fair way from Sonny’s desk, like he’d walked in on something he didn’t want to see.

 

Sonny breathed out shakily and nodded, wringing his hands in his lap.

 

“Sure. That was convincing,” Fin teased, tension easing from his body as he walked the rest of the way to Sonny’s desk. “Look, man, whatever it is, you’ve got friends here. I’m not the best at comfort, but I’ve got ears.”

 

“I’m good, Fin,” Sonny said with a small smile. “What’s up?”

 

“Just taking food orders. I needed a break, thought I’d stretch my legs and do everyone a favour.”

 

“Sure, what’s on the menu?”

 

“Amanda wanted Japanese, but she knows you’ll object, so she’s willing to settle for Chinese.”

 

Sonny licked his lips, feeling his eyes grow wet again as his stomach flipped. Home. This was home. How could he leave?

 

“Chinese sounds good,” he said, voice a little husky, which he covered with a cough.

 

“A’ight,” Fin said with a wary pat on his back before heading over to the desk sergeant to take his order.

 

_ What the fuck is wrong with you?  _ Sonny thought to himself, rubbing furiously at his eyes before getting up to escape to the break room.

 

He was suddenly hit with the thought that he had no idea what happened next. He didn’t know what his next chapter was. He’d ruined everything for himself. He didn’t know how to keep holding all the pieces together, but he also didn’t know how to let them all fall and to start again from scratch. 

 

He’d never been good at change and he’d never been good at letting go. Falling out of touch with high school friends had been hard. Every breakup he’d ever gone through had felt overwhelming, even his few barely-lasting adult attempts. Every new borough he’d been booted from had felt like a fresh stab to the chest. Change was tough, even when things were bad. But change when things were so good? The thought seemed almost unbearable.

 

But what option did he have at this point?

 

—

 

The next few days were such a blur that he barely had time to slow down. Rafael had been under the pump just as much as he had, and they’d barely had time to talk. 

 

Still, Rafael seemed to find time to text him each morning and each night, and Sonny always waited far too long before responding with something dismissive. He was a coward and he knew it.

 

Rafael always asked about sharing a meal, or about Sonny coming over, and Sonny always had an excuse handy, and he hated himself for it every time. 

 

_ This isn’t sustainable _ , he reminded himself.

 

And so, in a rare moment of downtime, he fired off a few generic job applications for opening positions at various law firms dealing with families and minors -- roles which he would be more than suited for, but wasn’t quite sure he wanted.

 

Then, in a moment of near insanity after dropping some papers off for Rafael towards the end of his shift, he entered Liv’s office, closing the door behind him before he sat down.

 

“What’s up, Carisi?” Liv asked, closing her laptop to give him her full attention.

 

“I’ve been thinking…” he trailed off, wringing his hands, unable to meet her eyes.

 

“Carisi?” She prompted after he’d been silent for too long.

 

“I’ve been thinking I wanna transfer out of SVU,” he said quickly, all in one breath, before he lost his nerve.

 

He glanced up enough to catch her shocked expression and he wanted to take it back instantly. His stomach twisted, and he could feel his breath coming out in short puffs that were making him lightheaded.

 

“Carisi-- Sonny, what brought this on? I thought you were feeling at home here.”

 

Sonny thought her voice sounded shaky and too full of emotion, and he inwardly cringed, heat crawling up his neck.

 

“I just…I can’t,” he whispered, not sure what else to say.

 

She moved around her desk so she was standing beside him, and when he didn’t move, she crouched down to his level, placing a hand on his arm.

 

“Is it because of Elliot?” She half-whispered, and he knew that tone. He’d become far too familiar with that tone lately. That was the voice she used on victims.

 

“No,” he almost shouted, the outburst ringing around the otherwise silent room. “No,” he repeated more gently, “I just…It’s the kids. And all those girls. And I just can’t anymore, Liv.”

 

He breathed out a shaky sigh, staring resolutely at her desk. Something in him eased a little, and he realised that he was partly telling the truth. Some days, he really did feel that way. Some days were so dark, and he felt so helpless, and he hated what he saw every day in his job. It felt good, in a way, to say it out loud. 

 

But it was also a lie. He didn’t want to leave. Once the darkness passed, and it always passed, he was left with pure determination to do his job and do it well. He loved this job, even as it broke him down, tore up his heart, stepped all over him, and left him for dead. Because when they won, when a victim was saved, when a perp was put away, he felt like he was doing God’s work. It was the only time in his life that he felt like he wasn’t too far gone for God. It was the only time he felt like he could ever ask for forgiveness.

 

He didn’t want to lose that.

 

“Okay, I get that,” Liv said quietly, cautiously, her hand still resting gently on his arm. “But we should talk about this.”

 

_ There’s nothing to say _ , he thought, but didn’t say out loud.

 

“Sonny, can you look at me?”

 

He swallowed hard, taking a deep breath in before turning to look at her.

 

Her eyes were watery, and her lips downturned. Her eyes were darting across his face, searching for something, and he wanted to reach out and reassure her he wasn’t going anywhere. But he couldn’t.

 

“Can we talk about this? Don’t rush. Talk to me. If you still want to leave in a month, I’ll start processing the paperwork with you, and we’ll find you a good position.”

 

“I’ve made up my mind.”

 

He wished he sounded more sure.

 

“Just think about it,” she all but pleaded, offering him a watery smile.

 

He felt a tear slip down his cheek and quickly swiped at it, casting his eyes back down to his lap.

 

“I’ll fill out the appropriate forms tonight and hand them to you first thing tomorrow,” he said, voice thick.

 

“Okay,” she whispered with a nod, standing up to give him room.

 

He stood up from the chair, hesitating for a moment before heading for the door.

 

“Sorry, Lieu,” he muttered, rubbing at his eyes before heading out the door, stopping only briefly at his desk to grab his things before he headed for the lift.

 

He still had thirty minutes left on his shift, not counting the overtime he was expected to pull, but he had to get out of there. He could barely breathe. He felt as though ice were running through his veins, both hot and cold, and entirely constricting.

 

But he knew he’d done the right thing. He had to have. The only thing more unbearable than this was sticking around to witness the destruction he was causing.

 


	18. Chapter 18

Sonny heard the frantic banging at his door. He couldn’t have missed it, even if he’d been sleeping. It was so loud he was sure the neighbours would complain.

 

He knew who it was, too. Rafael had called him five times since he’d left the precinct, as well as leaving him a multitude of texts pleading him to answer, to talk to him, asking if he was okay, none of which Sonny had actually opened. He merely stared at the previews before tossing the phone away again.

 

“Dominick Carisi, Jr., open this door right now.”

 

Sonny swallowed hard as he stood by the door of his apartment. Rafael sounded angry, but he knew when he opened the door he would look sad, too, and he was so tired of being the reason for that sadness. He was tired of letting Rafael down, he was tired of being a coward, and he was tired of trying to be normal when he wasn’t. It was exhausting.

 

“Liv said you wanted to leave?”

 

He sounded almost hysterical, and Sonny wanted to laugh. Because of course Liv told him, and of course he had to come talk sense into Sonny instead of letting him blow out of their lives, taking his storm with him.

 

“Sonny, if you’re breaking up with me, at least have the decency to do it to my face instead of avoiding me. Because this--” He broke off, voice sounding strangled. He had a point. A point which Sonny had been trying to ignore with everything he had in him, but a point nonetheless. “Did I miss something? I’ve got six big cases on the go with another two probably on their way, and--”

 

He opened the door cautiously, cutting Rafael off mid sentence. He winced at the expression on the other mans face. His eyes were watery, and Sonny wasn’t sure he could handle seeing him cry.

 

“What’s going on?” Rafael asked softly, closing the door behind him as he moved a step closer to Sonny. Sonny took a step back, but guilt and regret made his stomach churn at the look on Rafael’s face. “You love that job. You love the squad. You love SVU. That can’t have changed in the space of a week. What happened?”

 

Sonny felt cornered. Trapped.  _ Seen. _

 

Something in Rafael’s expression shifted, though Sonny wasn’t sure what. His head spun with the thought of everything that had happened over the course of the last week. Over the course of the last two years, if he was being completely honest.

 

“What did I do wrong?”

 

“Nothing. You did nothing wrong.”

 

Rafael tilted his head to the side a little, forcing their eyes to meet. His expression was gentle, kind of like the way he looked at victims in court, and Sonny hated it. He was sick of being looked at like a victim. He wasn’t worth that. He was chaos, and destruction, and people looked at him like he was the one being hurt.

 

He hated how patient Rafael was being. How kind he was, always. He hated how sweet and thoughtful he was. He hated how easily Rafael seemed to take sex out of the equation if it meant being with Sonny. He hated it all because he was so far from deserving.

 

“I don’t deserve you,” Sonny whispered shakily, shocked that the truth had slipped from his mouth so quickly. “You deserve someone so much better than me.”

 

Rafael scoffed, but his expression darkened as he realised just how serious Sonny was.

 

“You don’t get to have a say in what I do or don’t deserve. I get to choose that for myself.”

 

“You can’t honestly think that the way I’ve treated you is okay. And you can’t honestly think this will ever work out.”

 

“No, the way you’ve treated me has not been okay. Sonny, I have loved you for well over a year now, and you have broken my heart time and time again.” 

 

Rafael’s voice was breaking on every other word, and each time it felt like a fresh punch to the gut.

 

“So why are you here?”

 

“Because I love you.”

 

Sonny groaned, covering his face with his hands. That made this so much harder.

 

“Love someone better.”

 

“You are better,” Rafael said quietly. “You are better than this. You’re a good person. You just don’t allow yourself to have good things.”

 

“I can’t do this. I can’t keep being with you and pretending it’s okay. Elliot’s right, how--”

 

“Nothing that man says is right, Sonny,” Rafael snapped fiercely.

 

“How can I ever be with you, properly, fully, if I’m not willing to have sex with you?”

 

“We’ve been over this.”

 

“I’m setting you free! You don’t have to be here!”

 

“No. You don’t get to decide what’s right for me. You don’t get to try and protect me from whatever it is you think you’re protecting me from. It’s my decision. My choice.”

 

“Maybe I’m protecting me, too,” Sonny whispered shakily.

 

“From what?”

 

“From how much more it will hurt later when you’re bored of me. Because it might not be today, it might not even be a month from now, but it will happen. I can feel it. I can feel it in the distance between us sometimes, and the hesitancy to be affectionate in public. I can feel it when we don’t talk for days, and you say it’s because of work, because you haven’t had a moment to breathe, let alone see me, but I can’t help but wonder.” He was aware his voice was rising in pitch with every word. He sounded borderline hysterical, his words trembling as he struggled for enough breath to get them out. “I can’t satisfy you. I can’t give you myself completely. One day, what I have to offer won’t be enough anymore, and you’ll leave, and I can’t--”

 

Sonny broke off, taking in a deep, shuddering breath, followed by another, and another, in quick succession. Rafael gently placed his hands on Sonny’s arms, moving slowly, as though he were afraid Sonny might try to run. Sonny  _ had _ contemplated running.

 

“This hurts now. I think the pain of losing you later would kill me,” Sonny mumbled, a small sob escaping him as he turned his head away.

 

Rafael cupped his face in his hands, swiping his thumbs across his cheekbones to catch the fresh tears that were falling. He turned Sonny’s face towards him, pressing a gentle kiss to his lips before pulling back to look at Sonny properly. There were tears in his eyes, too, and Sonny’s arms twitched with the urge to hold him.

 

“I can’t promise this will be perfect forever. It’s not perfect now. But I want this to work. More than anything, I want this. You have to talk to me, not shut me out. We’re a team.”

 

Sonny nodded, turning his head into one of Rafael’s hands so he could kiss his palm before he brought both his hands up to cover Rafael’s own.

 

“I’m just scared, Raf,” he whispered, bringing Rafael’s hands away from his face to hold them in the space between them. “I’ve already made too many mistakes. I don’t--”

 

“If you say you don’t deserve me one more time…” Rafael trailed off on his empty threat before kissing Sonny softly. “Please stop trying to protect me. If  _ you _ want to end this, then you end it. But please don’t try and make that choice for me.”

 

Sonny nodded again as he wrapped his arms around Rafael, pulling him close. He pressed his face into Rafael’s neck as Rafael ran his hands up and down Sonny’s back. The position was awkward given their height difference, but Sonny couldn’t bring himself to let go as his body started shaking with barely suppressed sobs.

 

“Hey,” Rafael said quietly. “Hey, it’s okay.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Sonny mumbled against his collar, his jagged breaths causing the words to come out disjointed. 

 

“I know. I know. I’m not going anywhere.”


	19. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the last chapter and this epilogue make up for all the pain I've caused you all reading this.
> 
> A massive, huge thanks to booyahkendell for acting as beta for this entire fic, and for supporting me constantly as I doubted myself over basically every chapter. It wouldn't be what it is without her.
> 
> A huge thanks also, to Astronaut_Milky for being there while I was originally writing this, messaging her every day with self-doubt and snippits begging for validation -- this fic probably wouldn't exist without her.
> 
> Thanks to tobeconspicuous, keraunoscopia, barbaesparza, and mrbarbacarisi for their endless support, not only of this, but of everything I do, always. Everyone mentioned above are amazing writers and you should read everything they've ever written, even if you find the ship a little not to your taste, because I promise you it's worth it.
> 
> And lastly (you see, the Oscars start in a few hours and clearly I'm practicing my Oscars speech for when I inevitably win one one day), thank you to everyone who's read and who's commented along the way. Your comments, your love, your outrage, your heartache, your unwavering support has been invaluable to me. So I thank you, so very much :)

**One Year Later**

 

Sonny clinked the neck of his beer bottle against his father’s, shooting him a wide grin, which his father matched dimple for dimple.

 

“We’re so glad you could make it,” his mother said softly, just loud enough for him to hear over the children screaming, his cousins laughing, and the music blasting from the cheap sound system on the other end of the porch.

 

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world, Ma.”

 

“Mmm, I know you, you’d much rather be off celebrating your anniversary,” she said with a twinkle in her eye.

 

Sonny groaned, covering his face in his hands as she swatted him on the arm, a devilish cackle escaping her lips. Despite himself, he could feel a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth as he made eye contact with her, and her grin softened to something he could have sworn he hadn’t seen on her face since he was eight-years-old and he’d given Bella his ice cream because she’d dropped hers all over the sidewalk.

 

“I’m glad you’re with him, Sonny,” she almost whispered, leaning in towards him to pat his hand. “He’s good for you, you know?”

 

“I know, Ma,” he said with a small nod, squeezing her hand in his own briefly, accepting her non-verbal apology for what it was.

 

A loud shriek caught his attention, head snapping up just in time to watch Gina land, fully-clothed and into the pool, resurfacing with a string of curses slipping from her tongue. The laughter that bubbled up inside him was unexpected, but not unwelcome, as his sides ached and his eyes wept.

 

He could hear a chorus of, “Uncle Rafa, Uncle Rafa!”, and couldn’t stop the grin that broke out across his face as he saw Rafael being dragged around by his nieces, hair sticking up at all ends and a tiara sitting crookedly on top of his head, clinging to the product in his hair. As they locked eyes, Rafael sent him a wide-eyed plea for help, and he found himself laughing again as he rose from his chair.

 

The sun was just setting, the sky a brilliant array of blues, pinks, purples and reds, the clouds holding on to the remnants of the day’s light. As Sonny crossed the lawn towards his partner, the beat from the speakers thudding through his body, his chest swelled with emotion. The moment felt surreal, almost like he was a spectator to someone else’s dream.

 

“You okay?” Rafael asked softly, resisting against Anna’s tug on his arm to look Sonny in the eye, searching his face.

 

“Never better,” Sonny whispered as he leaned in to press a chaste kiss to the corner of Rafael’s mouth. “Let’s go home.”

 

“You sure?”

 

“You enjoying being a princess too much?” Sonny teased, glancing down to watch Anna give up on Rafael and run off to do something else.

 

“Absolutely. I think the tiara brings out my eyes,” Rafael deadpanned, just a hint of a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

 

“Come on,” Sonny said, grabbing his hand so they could do the rounds and say goodbye to his insanely large family together.

 

Once his mother had finished pressing kisses to his and Rafael’s cheeks (much to Rafael’s surprise), and they’d manage to escape the hands grabbing at them, begging them to stay for dinner, for one more drink, for another dance, they sank into Sonny’s car, the music just a distant, faraway thumping.

 

“Happy anniversary,” Sonny said quietly, looking up at Rafael shyly through his lashes.

 

“Happy anniversary,” Rafael responded, voice unusually tight as he pulled Sonny in towards him, pressing a heated kiss to his lips.

 

Rafael pulled back first, slipping his hand into his pocket to pull out a purple velvet box.

 

“I know we weren’t going to make a big deal out of this, and I promise this isn’t that. I just saw it online, and I knew I had to get it for you,” Rafael explained in a rush, not meeting Sonny’s eyes as he shoved the box towards him.

 

Sonny snapped the lid open, the sound almost deafening in the silence of the car. As his eyes took in the sight of the simple black band inside, his vision blurred over with unshed tears.

 

“Raf--”

 

“You don’t have to wear it,” Rafael cut him off, hands covering Sonny’s own as a few tears slipped from his eyes. “Not if you’re not comfortable wearing it publicly. I just thought--”

 

“Thank you,” Sonny whispered, his smile causing a couple more tears to fall.

 

Rafael reached up tentatively, tilting Sonny’s chin upward so their eyes were locked.

 

Sonny cleared his throat, a small embarrassed laugh slipping past his lips as Rafael wiped his cheeks for him, “Seriously, thank you. I’m not sure where I’d be right now without you.”

 

“You’d have got here on your own,” Rafael said quietly, a soft smile on his face. “But I’m glad I could come along for the ride.”

 

“I love you.”

 

“I love you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> If anything mentioned in this fic brings up anything personal, or is in any way how you feel about yourself, please, please seek help; from your parents, your friends, your partner, a teacher, a co-worker, a therapist. You are loved, and you are valued, and you deserve to be happy. And you can be.


End file.
